The sky is grey
Stone cold clouds
Obscure the sun from the earth
Can't be sure what the time is
But the air is warm for what it's worth
It’s just raining, all day and a lot
Sitting in my car on my lunch break
Take a smoke and slow down
I watch the drops hit the ground
Bounce around the parking lot and disperse
Into miniscule orbs, then they skate
Over the surface of the wet asphalt
Held together by the way water molecules bend, they halt
Then their lives end, diffuse into puddles
To be walked through, driven over, wait
However long to evaporate and
Do it all over again

It’s almost beautiful, they
Reflect the grey sunlight so very briefly
Before so neatly amalgamating, indistinguishable
From the rest of itself, not unlike us
I’ve been blessed with good vision
Lately I wonder if it’s truly a boon
I’ve seen pain to soon, with much precision
Know too much of losing faith, I want to
Learn how water tessellates
Cause I also know that this skin is
The only membrane separating you from I-I-I-
I start feeling the tension, akin to the forces
Acting on the surface of water bubbles
Before they fissure and dissolve, steady

The nihilism is feeling heavy today
Stuck in one place as the hours decay
I want to learn how to live like the water
Go with the flow, let it go, let things be
Acceptance, remember that suffering
Is the fruit of attachment
But I am an ocean in human entrapment
Sometimes no amount of trying
Can decipher which of these thoughts are lying
And now I just cannot stop crying, caught up, can't control this
Crucifiction of an essence, the senescence of a soul
How to know if there even is such a thing
Bring me closer, closer, closer still
Will you stare into the abyss to find
Ain't nothing staring back at you, you are the abyss
By that I mean limitless
Like this feeling seems to be
It might take eternity, I finally
Look at the clock, this grey rock and
My break is halfway over
I have 14 minutes to get it together
And get back to work

Do you ever think that garbage cans look forward to garbage day?
For us an inconvenience, it's often gross and something we would rather not be doing
Inhaling fumes from pet waste and week old leftovers
It's enough to make a grown man cry
Especially if we miss that holy day of days

But sometimes, I feel sorry for inanimate objects, the things that go through my head while I'm driving to work, or from work, or to work, or from work

I think that garbage day is like a party for the trash cans, or maybe an open mic
Where they get to discuss all of the ***** things they've kept sealed underneath their lids for a whole week
They finally get to peek from around the side or back of the house
And people pay attention to them
Whether it's a parley with me as I beg mine not to tip over
Or a lift from the sanitation man into grotesque catharsis
They get to lighten their load for all the world to see
And then wait for their masters to go to work, or come home, or go to work, or come home
At the curb, they get to see something different
Instead of just stinking up the joint they can see people walking their dogs and driving by
And it isn't trash that they're filled with
But the winds of freedom
That come to liberate them from their posts at the side of the road
And if their insides are uncluttered, they are given the push that is often needed to roll into more.... aromatic pastures
It's downright inspirational, really

So next time you see one of these intrepid travellers adventuring down the street, just remember, it's garbage can, not garbage cannot

She built a house for the fae
A little structure made
of leaves, sticks, dirt
And believed it to possess the strongest foundation
on Earth
As if it would outlast the Appian Way
Her very own Giza complex, she’d say
But it stood merely three feet in front of the door, directly in the way
And I knew that before the day was done
my prophecy would come true
As soon as the Sun lowered itself down
    the mountain
It was about -then- that I felt this regret
Another reminder to watch where I step

In this life, it pays to be careful, observant, mindful and gentle
And though accidents are just that, this life isn't a rental
Once put into the world, our actions cant be undone, despite our intentions
So pay attention to any hidden holes
Or spaces where the rocks run
It's all -fun- and games until you break an ankle
And if you must stray from the path at some random angle, it is wise to exercise caution
You never know what will happen, what you'll step on
Who is watching

One sunny day, I was out in my garden
The dirt was hot as I was weeding and watering
When I caught a whiff of a rotting carcass
-Of course-
It took merely seconds to find the source, which was a small, flattened rabbit
And I realized what probably happened
I think it got caught while I was moving some pots and plants
And whether it was the weight of the soil or wrought by my -hand's- hastened actions to get out of the heat
the poor soul was crushed into nothing but meat

How long before I even noticed?
Days?
Weeks?
I felt like an ***
If only I had checked the grass, it may not have died
Inside I felt the pain of every bug, slug, bird, every creature
inadvertently squashed underfoot
or hit by my car or buried far down within the vaults of my mind
Accidents, yeah, but still I find my thoughts returning to deer that collide with my vehicle
And I just happened to be he who wields the sickle- or scythe
Trading life for a life

It hurts

But it's the nature of the universe
Small things get eaten up or otherwise destroyed by larger things
Gravity brings space rocks towards the world where they burn up in the atmosphere
And gravity steers my footfalls onto unsuspecting insects
I mean, I'm a big guy, so I try my best to walk softly throughout life
And step over the ant when I can
But how often does my size 13 come crashing down on rabbit homes?
How many broken bones am I responsible for
That I don't even notice?

There was a mouse in my living room the other night
I wouldn't call it an intruder, they’ve lived here longer than me
But I couldn't risk it spreading disease through an errant mite or feces, so I made a choice
At first I tried to scare it away with a loud stomp and my voice
back into whatever hole it had come from
I just wanted to give it a chance to run
And wait for a trap so I could relocate it
But it just kept on trading spaces between underneath couch and TV stand
And in catching this mouse, too heavy was my hand, somehow I hurt it
So I had to **** it, or let its suffering prolong
But it felt so wrong and haunts me more than it rightly should
I suppose guilt would have it that this encounter, this little creature now inhabits
A spot on my heart, buried next to the rabbit
Along with every wheeze and spasm that punctuated a pet’s final breath

It's death
So much death
It all aches in my breast
And time keeps me waiting
For a moment of rest
I've spent many long hours confronting my fears, trying to take back my power and release stifled tears
Nothing waits in the dark, I’ve known this for years
Except for that ******* mouse that I wish I just didn't see
And all the things that have died because they've crossed paths with me

Listen, I'm not trying to be a hypochondriac
But I feel like I am a bundle of undiagnosed neurosis
But the closest thing I have to prove that
Is a conversation I had with a psychiatrist about a decade ago
Who insisted that I most likely have adhd
Indeed, I mean, I feel like everyone does
Because it's just how I am, and I'm normal, right?
Despite the fact that deep down inside, I know I'm probably not
I forgot the list of symptoms that fall under the umbrella of adhd
I know it's not just a problem with focusing
I know I'm hella late to almost everything
And I procrastinate to the point that it's frustrating

but once I start the task I just can't stop until the **** thing is done so dont even ask and if it takes me ******* hours so be it I'm not leaving this spot until it's absolutely perfect, but it's not - perfect, - it won't ever be perfect, there's no such thing as perfect but this word isn't working it's not in the right spot and the syllables don't add up and what the **** am I even talking about right now I need to pick the vegetables from my garden and clean my ferrets cage but my hose is broken and that's gonna be an even bigger pain in the *** than it should, I mean I guess I could make it work but it *****......

****.... there I go again, I'm sorry
A friend of mine used to joke about how I play life on hard mode
***** I wish I could find some ******* cheat codes, it's like shoots and ladders but I always slide
Cant tell you how many times I've tried to create a routine that inevitably falls apart and
I start to berate myself
Why am I like this? I hate myself
If I could just sleep at night and seize the day, but what is there to look forward to when the sky's always grey?
Never felt more useless in my life
Trying to write my resume
I wish life on hard mode was still a joke, cause it makes life much harder when you're always broke
It's like trying to survive at the edge of the abyss when no skills of mine are on the market list, maybe if just tried a little harder to focus I could get my life straight, maybe go finish college (haha)
I just can't wait to see a doctor, wonder why that ever stopped?
Oh yeah, couldn't pay for it, so guess I got dropped.

Life is a landscape
A river that flows and
A forest that goes
On and on and on
It is a song with infinite notes
Hate, love and hope
Yet how fragile the ropes
That hold us together so
Never must you ever lose
Or confuse the presence and
Power of faith or her flowers

And water, without which we
Would not exist, so relish
And savor every drop on your lips

Within the landscape of mine
A place with no time
The water wells up from a soul
Just so ripe, and intent is a
Pipe that directs and converts this essence
Of life

There was once a man who
Had flooded his land with
Ethanol spirit distilled by
His hand
As he floats in the center
He demands all who enter
Dominion of bottles to be poured
Into gentler lips will not speak
Will not bellow from peaks of
Despair. Breathe fumes from
The air, in this inner climate
Hope's flowers grow scarce

There was once a woman
Who loved this man so
But the depths of his lake
She never could know
And the closer she moves
The more darkness will grow
Until her inner world
Grew murky and sodden
A whole meadow of flowers
To become the downtrodden
Promise of a future so peaceful
And tranquil. Unknowing
How long the dark and the
Dank will infect her mind
Indirectly or not, she drinks
From the lake and the
Man's inward rot

We all know how hard
It can be to change, stop
Misplacing the blame and a
Life rearranged
If your insides are toxic, then
Your world is too
You can choose to be poison
Or create something new
But despite best intentions
The force of life kills
Nothing is eternal, no power
No will or no flower overcomes
What worlds yet may be, what
Light or what sun to reveal
Things unseen

This woman had children, a
Sister and brother dipped toes in
This lake and their inner worlds
Smothered while navigating
The stress, confrontations
For years normalcy was a drowning
Sensation
One rotten day brought a
Butterfly face to the girl
A wolf made it's place inside her
Inner world, what was once
Metaphorical became a stark
Truth, phantasmagorical was
No longer a proof, the wolf grew deplorable
Made a feast of her health
Stole her inner wealth, leaving
The girl with a maimed sense of
Self and with each hospital
Visit and new medication, the wolf
Drank from the lake. An abomination
For sure, yet the girl is so loved
And the hope will endure

If I could take it from you
Little sister, god ****** I would
Nobody should live this
******* NOBODY SHOULD
I've asked god to do more, just
******* open the door between
Our two worlds and lure the predator
In

I am the boy with lizards for skin
Cracking and bleeding
And slithering in and around the
Stones of this garden I've built to
Preserve those flowers, I cant let them
Wilt while I fight my own health, my demons
Afloat in my own lake
It's hard not to give in, but for my own sake
I will keep farming these flowers
Even when I sink like a stone
The dark is not my home, no
Matter what my mind thinks
And sometimes I still drink, but
When I do, **** right I savor
Every last drop, because I'm still alive
And I will never stop
Surviving and thriving
One day at a time

I started a new job a couple of months ago
Working with children and the skeletons in their closets
And boyyyyy, let me tell you, there's an army of them
Kids who've had their guardians deny them food and lock them in rooms for long periods of time
Kids who've been coke dealers and stabbed people
Kids who've had cigarettes snuffed out on their arms before being ***** by their grandpa
It seems like every one of them has been sexually assaulted
And they're little *******, I mean I can understand why
So I put up with their **** and do my best to love and nurture them as much as is professional and appropriate

Because it puts things in perspective
I've battled my own skeletons, subdued enough of their osteal pallor to feel preeeetttty much normal
Now my only demons come to me while I'm trying to sleep as ringing in my ears
******* tinnitus has been keeping me up, shrieking from nowhere, everywhere around me, incessantly flooding my ear canals

But I went to the doctors today and he rinsed out a tooth sized chunk of wax from my ear and gave me some amoxicillin for my infection
And I knew in my mind that it could always be worse
People have gone dead, never able to hear their favorite music again
In some sick way it brings me relief, putting things in perspective like that
So that's what I try to tell these kids
But I doubt it helps when your mother allowed you to be pimped out by her boyfriend
But it could always be worse
You could be the **** in this situation, and one day you would find that sleep won't be your only demon
So I find myself wishing that I could take my bottles rinse the wax out of their juvenile ears, but they've heard too much screaming and crying
I wonder if their tinnitus will ever go away
And just hope, while they're telling me to **** **** and die, that they too will one day know the peace of silence
I hope that their demons dont drag them down aallllllll the way to hell, because it could always be worse

I really hate to get political
But the evil over my head is becoming much too literal
Not visceral, the rhetoric, it ain’t even subliminal
At this point in our history, this **** is going critical
Nearly three centuries, our people were enslaved
Terrorized for another one, locked up, put in graves
Segregation, Jim Crow, you already know
That’s how America goes, but we ain’t the only ones done *****
By the law of the land, the native genocide, cultures erased
By their hand, my latino brothers being thrown in a camp
Just like the Japanese a few decades ago
Non white ethnicities turn into a threat
By those who say America is a bastion of hope
Because they reached for a rope and ****** all of these people
With impunity, we ain’t getting nowhere cause there’s no unity
And it’s only getting worse thanks to president chump
Wait I meant president dump, hope fate gives him a lump
He’s the picture of cancer spreading through our country
Make America great again? How can you not see
This place was never a home for the people like me
There was never moment in time without a division
The birth of a nation? More like the birth of a prison

We’re stuck in these communities that keep breeding crime
Denied equal opportunities time after time
If you think it’s over, nah, it’s more carefully hidden
In corporations, politicians, the laws have been written
Three strikes, stand your ground, and mandatory minimums
They keep us down or dead, keep us sipping on their venoms
We’ve stayed criminalized since we got out them chains
Thrown right back in the system and corporations get paid
They’re the new masters, and prisons are fields
You’re deluding yourself if you think we are healed
And this “war” that they're waging, it’s not a war on drugs
It’s a war on minorities, not a war on thugs, it’s a war on love

They murdered our leaders, gunned down in their beds
So we couldn’t defend ourselves, our civil rights have just bled
Our people, we were wealth, whites got to keep it
Our ancestors sowed it, today we don't reap it
And the wealth gap keeps growing day after day
There’s no honest day’s work for fair ******* pay
Discrimination in loans, we’re still trapped in our homes

And one third of my brothers will have to see the inside
That’s the statistic for us, for the white boy that rides
Right next to me, it's one in seventeen
The American dream?
More like the American scheme
There’s too much of our blood on their hands
To ever come clean, so cut them the *******
Like the worst kind of thieves, I’m a peaceful person
But **** my beliefs, cause if you don’t think it’s about color
Guess what it is, I don't need apologies, it’s God that forgives
The only thing I want from you is to stand for what’s right
Cause what’s wrong is wrong, be it black or white

How many unarmed black men have to die
Before we see we’re all in harms way
They put Freddie Gray in the sky
Trayvon and Tamir, Philando Castille
Too many to name here, I can’t help but feel disgust
And distrust seems to be all that is real
I can see the beast slicing into us like a meal
And just like Eric Garner, I can’t ******* breathe
Slip through the cracks in the screen
Filtered blacks through the sieve
How are we ‘sposed to live when they do **** like they did
To my lost brother Kalief, beaten without relief
For three years at Riker’s cause he couldn't post bail
After not taking a plea, that boy could have been you
That boy could have been me
And when the jury decided, the damage was done
They had already won, he hanged himself in the Bronx…

He was 22…
Just know your tales will be told
But this song’s getting old and I don’t want to sing it
To fit the mold of the angry black boy who wont be controlled
All I want to say now is that the hate doesn't scare me
And we are the solution, you can jail a revolutionary
But not the revolution, so take note, don't forget our struggles
Get out there and vote
But just so you know, it’s a promise not a threat
If my Dr. King don’t get through, my ******* Malcolm comes next
Because this is far from over, the grievance is real
And if you ain’t standing with me, frankly
**** how you feel

I’m done