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I discover myself, tiny, bean-shaped on the tiled floor.
Raised to my knees the edge of the counter feels deadly.

Thank the gods, not this.

The mirror stares back at my shame with only wet redness.

I look at the offending object.
Well, that could have been worse.

I look to the ground.
Well, that could have been worse.

The effort required to hold back against the floor worries me.

I kept it cool. There is no mark.

I discover all of us.

We are as leaves floating in a puddle.
We rot.
We may become adhered to a shoe,
Or squished into the ground,
But we know we are rotting.
9 years ago
your son was 9, you were forty-two
your wife was nearing forty

I was eighteen
daughter 1, fourteen; daughter 2, thirteen
and daughter 3 was only 6

we've experienced anniversaries,
birthdays, funerals
(my dad, my grandpa, my papa)

breakups, and new boyfriends
(just with your daughters, really)

graduations, retirements,
family arguments
chaos and heartbreak induced by alcoholism,
(and now years of sobriety)

first home purchases
(your daughters and myself)
(your son is living with me this summer)

and a pandemic...

much has happened since June 17th, two thousand and sixteen
but the biggest thing yet
will be this Saturday
June 7th, twenty twenty-five

daughter 1 is twenty-two, now
and in three days she gets married
your son is eighteen, now
and he will walk her down the aisle
(he told me he cries whenever he thinks about it)

your wife is nearly forty-nine
she will be there with her boyfriend
(they moved in together, in the house they built)
(they're both sober)
(she referred to him as her husband the other day)

daughter 3 is fifteen
(she told me she doesn't really remember you)

I am twenty-seven, now
and I will read a passage from the Bible at your daughter's wedding -
(just like I did at your funeral)
My cousin gets married this weekend... feeling very bitter-sweet; her dad died by suicide 9 years ago (anniversary of the death is in two weeks); my dad died unexpectedly three years ago. Reflecting on how life changes, and it also stays the same. My cousin asked me to read a passage at her wedding; 9 years ago, my aunt asked me to read a passage at my uncle's funeral.
I knew nothing
till my knowing
fell short
the moment
I got to know
you
The people we meet in life
always stay with us -
some as beautiful memories,
and
some as ugly scars.
I knew that it was time
To make that final choice
The one you couldn’t make
So I had to be your voice

I held you as you crossed
That bridge up in the sky
To the place of no more pain
A place of no goodbyes

I hope that you knew
How deeply you were loved
You were than just a pet
Now you’re my angel up above
For my ferret, Otis and anyone who has lost their fur baby.  My heart is heavy with grief.
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