When I was 13, I learned what manipulation felt like.
I may not have noticed it,
because I was in too much middle-school-love to see that he loved seeing my jealousy,
loved to trick me,
loved to trip me down the rabbit hole over and over again,
with no end within my scope.
I didn’t even know how to cope,
because it didn’t seem like I was supposed to.
Taking a step back and analyzing is the first step of taking your life back.

Stop trying to make other people like you.
Because the only people that deserve to be around you are those who liked you before you started trying.
They like you for your raw self, when you weren’t pretending or acting like someone you aren’t.
If you have to pretend for someone, they’re going to fall for the part you’re playing, and not really you.
You can’t keep up your act forever.

Didn’t realize the length of my hair determined what was underneath.

I guess I’m not as good as her.
I guess I don’t deserve a chance.
I guess I’ll be okay.
I guess.

The bags under my eyes are so packed
that they’re ready for a two week long trip to Japan
The weights on my eyelids are so heavy
that they’re lifting 15 lbs dumbbells as a 5th grader
The crunch of my voice is so thick
that it’s driving on a gravel back road at 10 mph
My body is so exhausted
that it may as well be buried six feet under without a bell tied to my hand.

Don’t tell me my anxiety isn’t real
When I’m standing in an empty hallway listening to the same echo, each time with less appeal
Don’t tell me my depression is fake
When the mirror in that empty hallway paints tears on my face
Don’t tell me I’m okay
When I hire painters to splatter the walls with red because it makes the black go away
Don’t tell me I’m exaggerating
When even the red can’t hide that the whole house is contaminated
The poison seeps in
Deeper and deeper
Sunk into a corner
Someone call the coroner.

Don’t tell me things I already know.
Don’t tell me I’m “not like other girls”.
If I was I would have given into your sweet treachery already.
Don’t tell me things I already know.
Don’t waste my time by telling me “you only live once”;
Obviously I knew that because if I thought we got a second chance I probably would have done a lot of insane things already.
Don’t tell me things I already know.
Don’t tell me not to do drugs because you know I’m only human and I’m going to try them when I’m older anyway,
Don’t tell me to stay in school because even if I don’t it won’t affect you anyway,
Don’t tell me it’ll be alright because I know it will but I just want to simmer in sadness for a while.
Don’t try to teach me how to ride my bike if I can do it better than you.
Don’t waste my time and yours
opening doors
that I’ve already unlocked.