I used to be long, blonde hair
And tan skin
Acrylic nails with a sharp edge
Corona in the sunset
Pretending to laugh
Just to flash my snow white teeth
But nothing was funny
Living in cocoa beach
Only so that I can say
"I live in cocoa beach"
Selfies full of *** appeal
And shorts cut like underwear
But untouchable,

Smeared eyeliner in dark corners
Lights out,
No boy between my sheets
Just me and my misery

You can make faking it a full time job
But you'll never believe your self
That's certain

My roommate and I
We played up chemistry that made
Strangers cry
But we hated each other so much
It left lumps in our throats
All the time

Yoga and Pilates
Kale smoothies and
Swimmers thighs
But I'd rather be sleeping

Screamed at my roommate
Til I coughed up blood
Caught a flight out of Orlando,
4:30 in the morning
Stumbled into Philly,
Back on my *******,
And the air tasted no different

When the act was up
Curtain closed
I washed up in Scranton,
Back where I started,
Full circle,
On the corner of cigarette ash
And Miller lite cans
I gained 20 pounds almost over night
Striped the bleach from my hair
Bit the fake nails off my real ones,
They were thin and cracking
Put on jeans and a t-shirt
Fell asleep on my parents couch
Nothing changed inside of me
From one version to the next
Same depression,
Same medicine

Nothing matters
Nothing at all
Hell follows
No escape

you are a ****, she said
she
she
she
she said, *you are a ****.
i have scraped knees and
a quickly bruising elbow,
a finger to my lips and a
dinosaur washrag dripping
onto my thigh.
but, grandma, she said-
there is a calming, silencing
tone to the thumb wiping
my face clean, a soft smile.
even gardeners mistake the
new, stray trees on their
fence lines sometimes, meg.

The car slows down
and in the moment
so does the sound,
all I can hear is my heart.

The car stops and so do I,
as I start to cry
I let everything out
that was being held inside.