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20
Paige May 2018
20
I just figured out my old login info for my previous account and there are over 250 poems that date back to 2015 when I was 20 years old.
I am now 23 and not much has changed except that now I know that no one else but me can make me happy, and I survived all the things I felt were the end of the world.
I was lonely and having trouble adjusting to living on my own and I was deep in depression and anxiety without any knowledge on how to properly deal with it.
It does feel good to see the progress I've made when it comes to learning to love and accept myself, and how I no longer obsess over the past the way I used to.
I still deal with anxiety and depression but I'm figuring it out and really trying to get better and I like myself more now, even with my bald patches and belly fat.
I've realized that happiness is more of a choice you have to make.
And that's what I've chosen.
It's been a slow journey but I'm getting there.
Paige Mar 2018
A huge part of me wants to be involved in this nationwide gun control topic,
but there's another that doesn't want to participate.
Partly because I'm afraid I'm not educated on the subject enough and maybe I feel this way because I'm an empathetic and emotional person who hates violence of any kind and that blinds me from something I don't know about.
But, those that have the opposite opinion are probably just as educated as me, if not less
and everyone's voice and thoughts matter.
But.
It's just so touchy and there's no way to talk with a gun loving hick from Ohio who thinks he needs that gun to protect himself from the Government...
Although I think he's forgetting that if the Gov. wanted him dead, he would be without even seeing it coming.
Duh.
So.
As you might see, I'm conflicted as **** and feel that everyone is selfish and will never agree and that nothing will ever change.
I think it hurts me so much because I love my country, my home, but it feels like this isn't the place I grew up admiring anymore.
Children and innocent people will continue to die in large quantities and that's just what life in America is like.
Paige May 2018
It's difficult when you were on your way up the roller coaster;
so close you can see the top of the hill.
Only to fall back down, or get stuck.
The last 2 months I was feeling good about myself, sort of content, even happy at times with my body, my hair, my life, my relationship.
But now, the view is getting smaller and darker again, confusing.
Today I thought about how gross my stomach is as I lay in bed trying to nap.
I imagined running until my legs were painfully sore so that I could feel.. better?
Over the long holiday weekend I pulled out a noticeably large amount of hair and was completely unaware of the damage I was doing until it was too late.
I know that this is part of the journey to self love and acceptance but that destination seems light years away.
Paige May 2018
"I wish you knew you were in the good old days before they are over."
- The Office.

I wish I could go back in time and hangout with my old friends from High school for just one day.
I would run down the hill after school as fast as I can and hear the sound of my friends laughing before flinging open Joey's screen door and rushing into my past.
I would open the Friday Fun box, containing **** and a bowl and light up as we laughed at everything we said.
I would hug each one of them for such a long time and tell them I love them so much.
Of course in true tough teenage boy fashion they'd wiggle away and say,
"Stop hugging me!"
I'd convince them to walk to the park on a beautiful spring day and we'd sit on the benches smoking cigarettes for hours.
I would take pictures the entire time and record the whole thing so I'd never forget a single word.
I would pray that the day never ended and I would just be in love with being in love with the best friends I've ever had in my life.
Paige Jan 2018
I hear a bird chirping outside my window, just as the sun is about to rise.
It sounds like spring, even though there is a thin layer of snow on the ground.
I can't help but smile as I fall asleep.
Paige Apr 2018
It was a warm spring night.
She awoke at around 3 a.m and sat up in bed.
She leaned over and lit a cigarette in the dark.
She was supposed to be awake at 8 a.m to go see family for Easter.
Her dog was snoring at the foot of the bed underneath the covers and her boyfriend was still awake playing video games in the living room.
She listened to the sounds of explosions and other unidentifiable noises as she took a drag from the cigarette.
She was comfortable but sleep seemed hard to get as it often is at night when you work third shift.
She stubbed out her smoke in the ash tray and laid down.
Time to try and fall asleep again.
Paige May 2018
Maybe I need it to feel like I'm being chased,
or like I'm chasing you.
I don't understand it when it isn't complicated.
Paige Dec 2017
Earlier this year I felt like I was a plant that didn't get enough sunlight or water so I never got the chance to grow.
But sitting here now on the last day of the year I realize that's not true.
There have been little changes.
I grew out my natural hair color,
I purged my wardrobe over time and now every item is something I like.
I got a tattoo of a chameleon recently.. something I've talked about getting for years.
And every day I get closer to figuring myself out.
Just because nothing big or life altering happened doesn't mean I haven't grown.
And maybe a year of adjustments is just what I needed.
Who knows what the next one holds.
Paige Dec 2017
I'll admit it.
That evening I laid my head
on a blanket on the grass and felt safe
knowing you couldn't see my eyes watching you.
You looked over at me once and we caught each other's gaze.
But after that you didn't try again.
And that's okay.
I liked knowing you were just a few steps away even though I wasn't going to get up.
Paige Apr 2018
Oh great.
My yearly anxiety over my birthday being **** and lonely has started and I still have 10 more days to go to find out what happens.
Not to mention turning 23 has unearthed anxiety over time and life and happiness and how I don't know what to do.
I feel like I just turned 21.
That's how uneventful and lame my life has been over the past 2 years.
Basically just a lot of wasted time.
Fuckkkk
Paige Feb 2018
I can see the light from a house that sits all the way across a field;
from where I'm laying in bed.
Daylight is breaking,
but I bet today is going to be grey.
I have a perfect picture frame of the field, the house in the distance now with a light on inside, from someone waking up.
A row of leafless trees in the background.
Like a Bob Ross painting really.
It's February but it's going to be warm today.
How nice.
Idk
Paige Jun 2018
Idk
The problem with me is that sometimes I want to have my cake and eat it too.
I want to have the new and the old.
I hate change but also dream of it at night for weeks.
It makes me sick to my stomach, and sweaty and filled with an emotion I can't describe.
Why am I so quick to accept the affection of someone I just met, when I have someone waiting for me at home?
There's definitely something going on with me that I'm in love with being thought of as interesting and fresh.
So many times has this addiction over powered me.
It's not drugs or alcohol that I crave, it's attention and affection and that exciting fun feeling.
I should really ask a therapist why smoking a cigarette with someone felt so fine.
Paige Apr 2018
I hate this feeling.
It only seems to slither it's way in around Holidays or my birthday.
Loneliness.
A longing for friends or people who care.
I mentioned this to my boyfriend just to see what he'd say.
And he was kind and said we could go out if I wanted.
But.. I don't want to pay for my own birthday dinner and his.
That's basically his birthday not mine.
That's not how birthdays work.
I think I'll skip it this year and do my laundry like any old Friday.
I see that 23 is going to **** just as bad as every other year has.
Paige Nov 2017
I might delete this account eventually.
I went back and deleted every piece of garbage poem I wrote in the last year.
They ******.
I'm not good.
I don't know what happened.
But I'm pretty upset because for 20 years all I wanted to do was be a writer.
And now 2 years later everything I put out on here is stupid and not even any kind of writing, it's more of a diary entry.
I'm not good at anything and that is what ***** the most.
I don't have a "thing" anymore.
Bye
Paige Apr 2018
For years I blamed my sadness on you.
For leaving me when I was the happiest I've ever been.
I thought that if I still had you I would never feel this empty again.
But now, I think you ended it at just the right time.
Things were already getting too complicated and I think that my happiness would have faded soon after realizing you would never not have her in your life.
Once reality started to seep in, I doubt it would have been the same anyway.
They say everything happens for a reason, so I guess I'm where I'm supposed to be.
Even though here feels a lot like being lost.
Paige May 2018
I watched as this little black bug scurried across the carpet,
weaving around and clearly unsure of where to go.
How did he end up in this office space?
And where does he want to go?
I hoped he would figure it out before the girl came through with the vacuum and ****** him up.
But then there he went making his way down the carpet again.
Paige May 2018
You texted me back,
"I love you too baby. I love you so so much."
And that second I love you made me smile and laugh because I love that you love me so much.
Paige Apr 2018
I can't write about love when I'm in it.
I can only write about love when I'm missing it.
Paige Oct 2017
I am riddled with anxiety and I can't sleep.
So I'll watch new episodes of Bobs Burgers and smoke some ****.
Paige Apr 2018
Boy with the long dark hair,
****** hair that accentuates your smile.
The only guy I've ever met that has Reba on their playlist.
I let out a happy sound, and you grinned up at me as you packed a ****.
When we all went to that wedding I got to see you in a suit, and smell your cologne and oo-wee.
You looked better than the groom.
Paige Apr 2018
Painting my nails pink won't make my heart match
Paige May 2018
I went down by the riverside
where he lived alone.
He said come on by and we can get high and we can catch up after so long
The air was cold and the winter snow sparkled under the moon.
But inside his house was so warm and
nice and then he offered wine
and I asked, "how are ya?"
he said, "I'm doin fine."
Idk what inspired me to write this, but I like it
Paige Jan 2018
My plant is dying and the basil is never going to grow.
Not one spot in my house gets decent sunlight.
January is never ending,
and we're all waiting for that W2 to come and relieve our worries.
My skin is clearing up, but the dark circles are too stubborn to go away.
It's Saturday night and I've already napped and watched about 100 YouTube videos.
Paige Jan 2018
If you think about it..
It's kind of easy to fix your physical health because there are real things you can do to change.
Eat better, work out, go to the doctor.
But, it feels and maybe it is impossible to fix your mental health.
You can't remove your brain.
It's always in there judging, and worrying and lying and telling the truth and it never stops.
And there are days like today
where I just can't deal with it.
Paige Apr 2018
There's a girl that I follow on Instagram that is still in high school.
I don't know her real name, or where she lives but I see her post about her life and her problems.
Tonight I engaged with her and it was truly a blast from the past.
The problems that seem SO huge and forever are actually meaningless.
I tried to tell her that in a subtle way but of course she said she felt like she was going to throw up, and cry her eyes out
so I told her it's okay to feel that way.
An unrequited crush on one of her friends that is also dating one of her friends.
Lol geez.
I wanted to tell her to enjoy herself, enjoy that drama, and everything that comes with being a teenager.
I wanted to tell her life was only going to get harder and one day her problems would involve money, and figuring out where exactly you went wrong, why your life isn't what you had planned.
But of course I didn't. I'm not an *******.
I'm sure she hears that all the time and doesn't believe it anyway..
and why take away someone's hope and that wide eyed excitement for the world.
That is the best feeling.
Just the best.
Paige May 2018
I was just going out to get an iced coffee and cigarettes but this time I decided not to go to Starbucks as usual, I went to the cool little coffee place in town called Taffys.
I had to park down the street and walk a short ways.
The floor boards groaned under my feet as I walked in.
I was greeted with a hello, and I asked if they had iced coffee.
"Taffys doesn't open until 4, but of course."
I looked at the clock and it was 3.
Oh, I'm sorry! I awkwardly giggled.
"No it's totally cool. If you have the time I can make you one now." Said a pretty blonde, wearing a unique all black outfit.
I said yes, deciding to disregard my nature of being in a hurry.
An older man wearing a hat, with his shirt unbuttoned, exposing a fresh tattoo came around and sat at the counter and introduced himself as Mike and her as Moriah.
The two began to chat with me, excitedly talking about the way they make coffee and had me smell the beans I would be drinking.
They asked me about myself and we talked about tattoos and they told me about how they are musicians and the others that come and play there.
They were the type of people that are just calming and inviting and soon I was sharing a blueberry pastry with them and looking at the boutique she had created.
Moriah went and talked with some people that came in and I asked Mike if he smoked and he said,
"Yeah. Come this way. I want to show you something."
I followed him out the back and we came out onto a cool outside area with places to sit and a wall that had portraits on it.
We sat and smoked cigarettes and talked some more.
He explained to me that he's been divorced and after being snowed in together for four days that he and Moriah began dating.
She came out and had a cigarette too and you could tell he admired her and was just happy with their life together.
The wind was blowing, and it was warm and I felt comfortable.
They kept saying how glad they were that I came in and I smiled and said me too.
It was so unusual but fun to meet people this way.
It felt like I was someone else in a movie and I didn't know how it would end but it was exciting.
But soon enough they had to get back to work and I realized an hour had gone by and I parked in a spot that was supposed to be only 30 minutes so we said good bye and they told me to come back some time.
And I really wanted to. I didn't even want to leave because I knew that this kind of life must be so fun. Musicians who work together in a cool coffee shop that are in love, and meet other musicians all the time.
I walked back to my car smiling and was already thinking about when I could come back and how sometimes you are just in the right place at the right time.
Paige Dec 2017
Maybe I over indulge on Tv, sleep, and food because I'm lonely.
Lonely; a word that has come up in my life a lot recently.
I like to spend time by myself, I'm an introvert so that comes naturally.
But I'm missing the one person I would drop plans with myself to go see instead.
I've done that all my life.
In high school I would leave my friends just to go cruise around and smoke a bowl even for five minutes.
The only person that has my sense of humor because we have the same laugh.
Someone I have gone to for everything and expected them to do the same.
I'm sure she has her reasons but I just miss my sister.
Paige Apr 2018
Wine makes me smile,
makes me sing,
makes me laugh,
makes me feel pretty.
I understand why they have it with every meal in Italy.
It makes me feel like I'm at a fancy party in the 50's or something,
wearing a beautiful vintage dress,
holding the stem of the glass with painted fingernails and a lipstick stain on the rim.

— The End —