Chameleon

Chameleon Dec 2018

Candle

He's so good to me that if I think about it enough I might cry.
But that shouldn't be my reaction.
I should be overflowing with happiness and squealing like a teenage girl.

Picturing him standing by the candles smelling so many it makes him nauseous all because he remembered I said I wanted a new one is so sweet.
He remembered.

Like after we went to the bar and Nick said something I can't remember about us being together,
and Cainan put his hand on my shoulder and said,
"She's important to me."
It caught me by surprise.

Chameleon Dec 2018

Palm trees

Man it's gonna **** me if he ever goes back to Cali, to the state that's always warm, where palm trees grow and he doesn't ask me to come with him.
And I have to stay here in Ohio in the state that's mostly cold, where the only thing that grows is loneliness because he didn't ask me to come with him.

#california #hot #cold #lonely

Chameleon Dec 2018

Passing notes

We got back from the bar and were sitting at a makeshift one in our friend's ratty old trailer that was barely suitable to live in.
He grabbed a piece of paper and began writing something out of my eye sight.
He smiled and slid it over to me like we were passing notes in class.
"You are cute. Wanna hold hands?"
Check YES, or NO.
I put a check mark in the box next to Yes and just as quietly gave it back.
We smiled at each other and I shoved the yellow piece of paper into my purse for safe keeping.
It now hangs on my fridge underneath a magnet from the Aquarium.

#school #notes #dating #cute

Chameleon Dec 2018

Library

I've been reading since I got home from the library.
Lately Tv has become boring to me.

There was a violin practice happening, a circle of old women playing Christmas music welcomed me to the poetry section.
A bucket of crayons and sheets of paper lay strewn across a table by the door I came in.
It felt odd to me that so much was going on inside this sectioned off room that used to be pretty dull and lifeless when I was a kid.
It didn't take long for me to find a few books I deemed interesting.
I flashed my new library card and walked out with my reading material, ready to cozy up on the couch for a few hours before work.

Chameleon Dec 2018

The fear

The fear that he will leave me just as easily as the last is excruciating.

This is just more weight added to my emotional baggage that I didn't want to carry.

Chameleon Dec 2018

Alone together

You know how it is when it's just you and another person.

Chameleon Dec 2018

Nice

He came over when I got off work and kissed me on the cheek.
He took me out to lunch and held my hand in Wal-Mart before buying me a pair of work out shoes.
I smoked my last cigarette in a pack this morning and have only been vaping since.
I fell asleep cuddled next to him on the couch and when I woke up we had ***.
For dinner he made me a "disgusting" smoothie with blueberries, strawberries, broccoli, kale, green tea, and a few other things I didn't recognize.
And then I went to work and kissed him before leaving him in my apartment.
It's so strangely nice and he's been such a good influence on me it feels like I'm watching someone else's life.
I am tired, but I think I'm actually happy