i began to eat again.
i haven't told anyone.
no one really noticed anyways.
my hands didn't shake or turn the small packet of goldfish around to see the calories.
i felt okay eating them.
i ate all of it.

getting home,
i feel hungry.
and now,
i eat.
without guilt, without shame.
no small voice in my head tells me how big i am or how disappointed i should be in myself.

i take a deep breath if the voice comes back,
close my eyes and chew.
chew until i feel okay to swallow.

today,
i'm eating.
and tomorrow,
i will again.

in just a small period of time,
you became my muse.
the type of muse that rips the bandaid off of your heart to finally write something,
to write anything.
the type of muse that makes everything hurt when you're alone and when it's just you, your thoughts, and your past.

i kept flying away until you looked like a very small bug beneath me.
i didn't want to deal or feel so i flew.
i kept flying higher and higher,
the more i couldn't breathe, the wider my smile got.
i couldn't hear you screaming my name or the clutter of everybody.
flying,
flying,
flying
flying away.

the rainy day today reminds me of elementary school.
early elementary school where the teacher would read us books about butterflies or trolls guarding a bridge.
this rainy day reminds me of my mother picking me up from school,
resting my head against the window and feel the rain patter on it.
days where i'd have no homework and the best thing to eat on rainy days like these is stew.
the kind where there's carrots and chicken in it.
beautiful.

maybe i'll never understand the darkness behind my eyes
or the reason the universe gave you the life it did.
but maybe that's okay,
i'm learning that it's okay.
it's okay to never fully understand.

i'll never understand the divorce,
the heart break,
the hurt,
the pain,
the way you cried in my arms that one time,
or the way i cried in yours.

but it's okay.

how lucky i was to be loved by you.

i miss the warmth of your hand that rested on my back as the other pointed to the night sky, pointing to your favorite constellations.
i can't stop thinking about that night we were on the swing set and you told me you cared for me.
it was small but it meant everything to me.
drunk on your love, i felt the world spin faster,
as if it was trying to sync itself with my heartbeat.

i remember nervously giggling and feeling the heat run to my face as you touched the collar of my shirt.
how you would try to catch bunnies and how you told me you'd buy me a cat.
you always told me how much i meant to you and mattered
and because of you,
i started to believe it.

oh, how lucky i was to be loved by you.

the moon was raining last night and i wanted to call you.
tell you about this felt better than the rain,
how no other feeling could compare to the moon falling on me.

it felt heavy and weird,
there were times where it would take my breath away,
leaving me gasping for breath
but i thanked it.

thank you moon for raining last night.
i captured every drop and put it in a jar.