it runs in the family---
emptiness of the heart
that swallows you up
like black ooze from the depths sticking to your limbs.

it runs in the family---
emotional fragility
resembling a crying child
who never learned how to not get her way.

it runs in the family---
emotional volatility
extreme highs and lows
like a rollercoaster ride from hell.

i can't run from my family---
it'll always be here
deep inside
a curse by blood.

i just need to step out for a minute
to bring back my body
to bring back my mind
time just needs to stop for a minute
and then everything will be fine
i just need a minute.

for a minute, i can breathe.
for a minute, i can think.
for a minute, i can feel.

after a minute, where do i go?
what if everything isn't fine?

time stops for no one.
get back in line.

I have done it again.
One hour in every ten.
I haunt myself---

I am who I have always been.
Pale skin and bone
Heavy feet, sunken throne.

Cursed crown;
A dream to meet
A nightmare to know.

Self-flagellation
Is an art, like everything else.  
I do it more than well.

I do it because I have to.
I do it so you do not.
Maybe I am a prisoner

Of my own mind.
Fine.
Let me be mine.

I am out of this world---
I do not expect you to understand.
The mutilation

Of the self.
Of the mind.
Of the body.

It is not kind.
It is not sweet.
It is not lovely.

But even when I unshackle my chains
You must know
It still haunts me.

Order 90---
I am hesitant to get my tray.
I sit down, open the box
And breathe in fumes of decay.

You are greasy, thick, and full of fat---
Everything that disgusts me.

My body hates you.
My taste buds love you.
My stomach can't stand you.
I have to get rid of you.

I hover over the water
Seeing my reflection.

White porcelain haunts me
As I take a deep breath...

And let the sickness consume me.

my heart is cold and empty
and the dead body of a dog lies on the floor
when alive it thrashed and tore
and ripped open the flesh of anybody everybody
and me

i plied open his mouth
withstanding the sinking of teeth
i tried to pull out his claws
so that he wouldn’t be so mean
to me

he ripped away
and had his way
and i lie, covered cold in teeth marks
his bite was infinitely worse than his bark
i see

i close my eyes i cant forget
that night and brutal threat
even though he’s gone
i live my life in fear
when will the fog be clear?

the ghost of a dead dog lives inside my heart
when alive he grossly tore me apart
i tried to pull out his claws and teeth
maybe then he wouldn’t be so mean

it became apparent he needed to have his way
and his concubine i admittedly stayed
my body lie cold covered in teeth marks
his bite was infinitely worse than his bark

what he did to me i will never forget
i lived my life under a constant threat
now that he’s gone all i have left is fear
that one day again his presence may be here

I’ll be your crime scene
Break down the front door for me
Handle me with delicacy
Put on your gloves and touch me softly

Take me to the courtroom
Swear on your life for me
The truth and nothing but the truth
My heart’s waiting on the table

I love you more than anything