do you know how many people die everyday
because you are too oblivious to know they are struggling
because of the painful words that come from your mouth
because you don't "believe" in mental illness
because of the trauma you don't care you cause
because of the voices in their heads telling repeating the lie you told
because of the weight you put on their shoulders, crushing them.
You don't know do you?
Or do you just no care?

where it starts
1. your girlfriend will have a miscarriage
for the second time
and you, you'll start using needles
THERE WILL BE NO DIRECT CORRELATION BETWEEN THESE TWO THINGS
but you tell yourself
a daughter is what would make life worth living
and subsequently what it takes to get you sober

2. you lose your job
because you're always in the bathroom missing veins
loss of job will inevitably spiral into an
"intolerable depression"
or
"extended sadness"
or
"whatever version of this is easiest to swallow"

3. you get to spend every holiday from your birthday until The Day She Dies sitting next to your mother's hospital bed
(except for when you're always in the bathroom, missing veiins)

LATER
your sister reassures you that mom didn't know the way you also choked back guilt with all the bile and unpleasant things in your trips to the restroom
but for now you will hate yourself
hate the sticky needles
and hate the way your girlfriend leaves all her ghosts behind when she leaves you

4. you find that bathroom floors are your new home
splayed out after your 8th overdose
jail cells are just a normal tuesday
and you keep waking up to razor blades left neatly on your pillow

where it ends

5. giving up ****** is like pulling teeth
messy and painful but typically necessary
and so hard to do alone

Like an old friend inviting you to come inside.
Familiar. Comforting.
It will grasp you in its arms and hold you close;
And when you're ready to leave, it wont let you go.
You will beg and plead to be happy,
and it will put up a fight.
It will make you think that the only way to escape it is to take your own life.
If you are lucky, you can break free;
and it will sit and watch you from afar.
Calling your name.
Welcoming you back into it's arms.
It will intrude your thoughts.
Make you think you are worthless.
That you're better off dead.
Just keep telling yourself that it's all in your head.
Keep moving. You will get far.
Depression is not who you are.

my friend is stuck in the hole
hes crying for help, screaming to get out
my friend is stuck in the hole
it's filled with demons and devils
my friend is stuck in the hole
its pure hell and is consuming him hole
my friend is stuck in the hole
he sticks his hand out reaching for my hand
my friend is stuck in the hole
he waits for my help, but i cannot help
'cause i am stuck in the hole

Quiet
I'm laying in bed
Trying to sleep

No

Trying to find the silence that my mind won't grant me
Trying to find the peace of mind that will let me close me eyes
Trying to stop thinking
     All the terrible things I just love to think about

I can't
For my mind hates me
It tries to destroy me on a daily basis

I have no control over the thoughts that run by
The theories that develop
Or the horrors that I can't seem to forget

My mind tells me I am doomed for eternity
****** to hell for the things I've done

Although my mind isn't convinced that there is a god
Not yet
We're still working on it

When I try to tell myself that
Everything is going to be OK
My mind laughs
And begins to brainstorm

The storm is an uncontrollable
Thrashing of terror
Of nightmares and scared

My mind never stops the torment
Never ceases to amaze
Never stops to think about me

Me

I'm back in the dark again
My mind flashes back to where I am
I can't seem to figure out what I am supposed to be doing

Nothing new

My mind can be distraction sometimes