spinning violently
the roaring rush dampened by
dark infinity

I bought a new mattress today.
I guess that means I'm staying alive
For another eight to ten years, at least.

waking up cold
in the middle of the summer
back aching
sheets denting every inch of skin

sitting up stiff
smothered under thin blankets
head throbbing
as the sun crawls through the blinds

it's hard to feel you now
it's hard to feel anything soft

*(I miss you)

breathe in the air for me because I can't
bright but dark and suffocating, the stars squeeze me,
watching as they dance through each other like

french tips tapping on a foggy windowpane
pale blue grey lips trembling as they tug up at the corner
the elegant stretched fingers of mannerism -
alien, beautiful, silver and glowing
and throwing away all that came before,
looking toward the future, already there,
waiting for me
waiting for us to catch up

breathe for me because I can't
neck stretched too far, too far back
eyes cast toward the darkness, lips open, screaming, quiet
as the planets swirl in the deafening distance
and I bury my nails in my sides and it burns like

acid rain hissing as it strikes the ground
a high ringing somewhere in the distance in this empty office
stage lights striking the tops of eyelashes in the right position -
comforting and familiar, warm
but the eyelashes tremble and it's all you can see,
the only light in a dark room that could be stretching on forever,
blinding light, burning and staying for hours after as you sit, waiting,
waiting for sight
waiting for sight to catch up



*(I still can't breathe)

When I am in statistics I cannot focus
because the world around me is ending in my mind
slowly fading into something without meaning
until I cannot breathe and I have to leave
to go cry in the bathroom.

When I am in my statistics class I cannot focus
because there is a boy there who looks like my favorite **** star
I know what his ***** looks like
     or might look like
     Schrödinger's **** in a box.

I cannot help but stare at him and
picture him in gym shorts and no boxers
or cargo pants and no boxers
or just in boxers
or.

It's an uncomfortable feeling of morbid intrigue that
makes me tap my toes too fast.

I want to know him.

I want to tell him that
I love the way he smiles
and laughs and communicate s
and makes sure everyone is safe and happy.

I can only watch **** that has behind-the-scenes features.
It's comforting to know that
everyone is happy and
everything is consensual and
everyone is having fun.
I get too invested in these people, too attached -

One time I had to give up
and take a moment to breath
because I was just so overwhelmed with pride
Like a parent watching their kid graduate after all their hard work.

And that feeling is not okay.

And seeing that boy in my class is not okay,

Because I feel so proud of all he's accomplished
So when he answers a question right in class all I can think about is
When he ****** a **** on camera for the first time
And the first time he licked whipped cream off another man's *******
And it's very distracting.

When I am in statistics I cannot focus
because I start to worry that I will fail this class
and then I start to worry that I will hate my future
and then I worry about having a future in the first place,
bunching up into an unfocused, panicking, asthmatic mess.

The **** star boy is a distraction.

It's because of him that I'm passing this class.



( and in a way, a stupid, silly way,
it's because of him that I'm alive. )

i crave oxygen
high levels
immense creatures

bugs as tall and long as me

because then maybe i could fit
something in my lungs instead of
scrambling and
suffocating

i'm missing ocean oxygen feeding large gills
whales taking up entire seas
bigger, sturdy and solid, trunks of massive trees
encompassing all of me
so i can get some sleep

i crave oxygen
the comfort of insignificance
the foggy high of so much air
the masks on the plane
because i'm
crashing

Today is waiting
after writing a professional email
and constantly checking my inbox
getting nothing else done
and the brief relief when I see a reply
until I realize I have to do it all over again.

Today is the right classroom
with the wrong instructor at the front
and me wishing I had looked at more people before now
so maybe the faces wouldn't all look like strangers.
It's one loud girl I recognize looking as confused as I feel.
It's the "is this the right class?" "maybe" behind me.
It's the robot sitting on the desk, staring,
and unless my partner suddenly grew his hair out,
it is the stranger sitting next to me.
It's the professor entering and doubts still lingering
thirty minutes after the lecture has ended.

Today is wearing a new piece of clothing,
walking confidently out of the apartment,
and then tugging at it every thirty seconds
until the day is finally over.

Today is walking to the car at night,
hands purple in jacket pockets
gripping pepper spray in one hand
inhaler in the other
seeing the moon and stars and night sky,
and suddenly crying because the world is so small
and the universe is so big
and nothing matters
but everything matters
and what if I don't like my job
what if I live unhappily for the rest of my life
there is no reason for anything I do
why should I do anything
but I can't stop doing things
because then I won't have a stable life
and if I'm forced to live, I want to live in stability
and take care of myself and live quietly
because there's no point in changing anything
because we are all just going to die
and in the end there is no meaning to anything we do
so new clothing or wrong classrooms or writing emails shouldn't matter
but it does.

It does.