Today is waiting after writing a professional email and constantly checking my inbox getting nothing else done and the brief relief when I see a reply until I realize I have to do it all over again.
Today is the right classroom with the wrong instructor at the front and me wishing I had looked at more people before now so maybe the faces wouldn't all look like strangers. It's one loud girl I recognize looking as confused as I feel. It's the "is this the right class?" "maybe" behind me. It's the robot sitting on the desk, staring, and unless my partner suddenly grew his hair out, it is the stranger sitting next to me. It's the professor entering and doubts still lingering thirty minutes after the lecture has ended.
Today is wearing a new piece of clothing, walking confidently out of the apartment, and then tugging at it every thirty seconds until the day is finally over.
Today is walking to the car at night, hands purple in jacket pockets gripping pepper spray in one hand inhaler in the other seeing the moon and stars and night sky, and suddenly crying because the world is so small and the universe is so big and nothing matters but everything matters and what if I don't like my job what if I live unhappily for the rest of my life there is no reason for anything I do why should I do anything but I can't stop doing things because then I won't have a stable life and if I'm forced to live, I want to live in stability and take care of myself and live quietly because there's no point in changing anything because we are all just going to die and in the end there is no meaning to anything we do so new clothing or wrong classrooms or writing emails shouldn't matter but it does.
existential crises, same old same old late night panic attacks for no reason same old same old