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Dec 2014 · 656
A Bit of Clockwork
Nikki Whittaker Dec 2014
This clock has aged a bit and changed a bit.  But the pieces still tick, tock.  With a few tweaks and small pinch, we are able to reminisce.
The clock chimes and I am young again.  My earliest memories play like film.  The lullabies, the kisses, the smiles.  My mother holding me, I can almost feel it.  I remember how the world was so large.  Public playgrounds were jungles and I, so brave, would venture into the darkest corners.  My father keeps my palm in his hand, I can see it.  He didn't want to lose me. He didn't want to lose me. And yet...
Tick, tock.
The clock chimes and I am taller, wiser.  The girls at school laugh and taunt me.  I didn't mind.  They just didn't understand and that was fine.  My father gave me presents on Christmas, clothes to try to change me.  But, his eyes crinkled when he smiled.  So, I tried, I tried but the shirts were constricting and I felt like I couldn't breathe.  My mother walks downstairs after he is gone and slowly cuts the shirt away.  She kisses my cheek and I never changed.  
Tick, tock.
The clock chimes and my mother is slipping away.  She's running out of ways to lie but she still tries.  I was sixteen to her but to me I was forty-nine.  I shine light on her face and see it is dark and empty.  She tries on a smile but it no longer fits.  I watch her stare blankly at Rapunzel on the screen, she's reciting every line.  My father calls and I am not supposed to tell, not supposed to speak.  I am terrified.  She knows, but did he?  My father and I argue and can no longer fit our smiles.  I slam the door and he drives away.
Tick, tock.
The clock chimes and he tells me I'm poison.  He blames me for everything that goes wrong.  Soulless eyes, that child has soulless eyes.  He calls his home Texas while I try to rebuild mine.
Tick, tock.  
The clock chimes and she is gone.  I sit in a empty home.  I was sixteen, still only sixteen.  She knew, but did he?
The clock chimes and I am alone.
The clock chimes and I need to be an adult tonight.   I must abide.
This clock has aged a bit and changed a bit.  But the pieces still tick, tock. I accept my past, I call it mine.  I still feel so young inside.  Every memory makes me stronger and a little more alive.
Dec 2014 · 308
Untitled
Nikki Whittaker Dec 2014
Tattoos that stain and burn my skin
With words and images
Of who I could've been
              Should've been
              Would've been
If I hadn't met you

Dreams of those happy summer days
With wind to make me fly
To get lost in space
       Stuck in a daze
And then I see your face

I was coaxed by the lies of love
And smashed down by my own hand

I gave you all the keys to my secrets
And watched you set them all ablaze

My heart can no longer trust

Song lyrics that taunt and chain me
To all the wonderful times
                 I could've had
                I should've had
                I would've had

If I hadn't met you
Nov 2014 · 271
Untitled
Nikki Whittaker Nov 2014
Twelve-Thirty a.m.
But I'm waking up at six and I'm having trouble sleeping because I feel like I can't breathe.  I can't breathe.  My heart's constricted, my lungs are filled with liquid and I don't care.  I guess that I don't care.  
I don't know what I'm living for, so I don't bother living and I keep feeling alone but I am surrounded, I'm always by someone.  
They are not the one I want.
I love my family and I love my friends and I don't feel loved.
But I know that I'm loved.
But they don't love me.
Because they can't hold me, they can't kiss me like I need them to.  
But he's too busy standing on the edge of the world waiting.  He can't see me when I need him, he won't hear me when I'm screaming I need love.
Twelve-Thirty-Three a.m.
But I'm thinking of playing hooky and I'll stay in bed a while because I can't breathe.  
And in my dreams he's holding me.  He is seeing me.  
That's all I really need.
Nov 2014 · 473
A Miscarried Notion
Nikki Whittaker Nov 2014
Tiny heartbeats beneath me
I could've sworn I felt you breathing
And yet...

I couldn't wait to meet you
To see your big eyes, colored blue
And yet...

I never got the chance
I'm sorry I couldn't fight
But I would've given my last breath
I would've died
For you

Started with a pink plus sign
I knew you were mine
And yet...

I imagined you growing up
I was ready to give you love
And yet...

I  never got the chance
I'm sorry I couldn't fight
But I would've given my last breath
I would've died
For you

It was three in the morning,
I'm in a hospital bed
With blood on my legs, I was a mess
Your daddy had tears in his eyes
And I could already tell
Because I felt empty inside, I was empty inside

What wouldn't I give?
There's nothing I wouldn't give
I wish I was dead

And yet...
Apr 2014 · 425
Point Blank
Nikki Whittaker Apr 2014
Hold me to the promises I make
And tally up all my sins
Steady the gun right between my eyes
Don't let me look away

So sick of running
Can't be me, can't feel me
I'm standing on the edge
And this time I'm not afraid

Corner me with black walls
But don't let me disappear
I need to know that I'm grounded
It's time for me to give in

Tell me how I broke your heart
Let me know that it hurts
Even though I know the truth
Is the last thing I deserve

****** the knife in further
Pull it out, see me bleed
Let me struggle to catch my breath
And I'll fight until the end

End this final showdown
So that we may be released
Pull the trigger, point blank
And my sins you shall repent
Jan 2014 · 536
Stranger, Stranger
Nikki Whittaker Jan 2014
You let me in, you let me in
But I didn't welcome you
You told me things, you told me things
But I couldn't tell the truth

Seven years we smiled together
And hung the pictures on the wall
For others that point and ask you
About the black girl you try to call

"Best friend, Best friend
Isn't she great? Isn't she sweet?
I've known her for a while
At least that's what I think"

What will you say, what will you do?
When you have to think and conclude
You don't know me, you never have
Because I didn't want you to

I don't trust, I don't trust
Even to this very day
You walked away, you walked away
Because I'm such a cliche

I've been this way since I was young
Too many people gone, leaving me
So I took time to build my castle
And built a room in which to sleep

People try to seep through
Little cracks and small spaces
I'm just waiting for the one
Who knocks and stays patient

And he'll let me in, he'll let me in
And I'll welcome him in too
He'll tell me things, he'll tell me things
That will make me want to tell the truth
Nikki Whittaker Dec 2013
Your pain hits me like an avalanche
I feel it in the center of my soul
My tears drop like a waterfall
Knowing that even if I gave it all
You wouldn't stop hurting
It kills me to know my love
Will never save you
I'm sorry, I wish you could see me
Living for you
Your pain surges through my blood
I feel it slowly running cold
My screams echo off the walls
That are shutting me in
With no way of release
It kills me to know, my love,
No matter how I try
You'll always hurt
I'm sorry, I wish I was strong
Enough to save you
Can you tell me or give me a clue
On what I should do?
Leave little crumbs, drop hints
Anything to help me save you
I won't be able to breathe
If you're stuck in the dark
You know you drag me with
The pain is there, still sharp
And it washes over me like a storm
I feel it drowning my heart
My hands reaching up to you
Not knowing what else to do
I can't live without you
It kills me to know my love
Will never save you
I'm sorry, I wish you could notice
All that I do for you
Dec 2013 · 780
To Be Free
Nikki Whittaker Dec 2013
I like to fill my heart with things
Like all the things people tell me
My heart absorbs it all like
I need it to survive
It's all the things you say
And the way that you breathe
That tells me how to live
But won't give me what I need
You know that I want to be you
So I watch everything you do
And I'll copy you and mock you
Just watch how much I'll lose
I don't know who I am
Or where I can find myself
So, I've simply decided
I'll be someone else
Maybe I'm too afraid that they won't like me
Maybe it's because of my self-esteem
But I really think it's like the color green
Quite clear that it's jealousy
What would I do if I were free?
Would I reveal myself yet?
Could I be me?
What would I do if I were free?
Would you be afraid?
Would you let me be?
But no, I don't dare try
It's safer inside here
Because there they can touch me
And make it all clear
I like to fill my head with things
Like all the things I see
My mind absorbs it all like
I'm about to die
I know now that I cannot be free
Because it's just too hard to be me
Dec 2013 · 380
My Place Amid the Embers
Nikki Whittaker Dec 2013
I am home?

No, I am somewhere
Somewhere dark and cold
But I don't know
If they know
That I don't belong

I am home?

No, I am no where
No where I want to be
But I can't tell
If they can tell
That I'm dying inside

I am home?

No, I am not there
There amongst my family
But I can't see
If they can see
Where I really hid my body

Is this my home?

There, buried in the ashes
Of where I used to live
If you listen you can still hear our hearts
Mother and child
Died together in agony

Is this my home?

My ghost wanders the remains
And I can remember again
Lavender rooms and beige floors
Large windows to see the world through
Three stories high so we could
Nearly touch the stars

I am home?

Yes, here within the rubble
Of an old white house
And now I know
That they now know
With death is where I belong
Dec 2013 · 1.1k
These Cold Bones
Nikki Whittaker Dec 2013
It's that time again
Bubbly drinks and wrapped smiles
"MERRY CHRISTMAS! MERRY CHRISTMAS!"
They can't see my hearts demise
They're all laughing
It's ringing like bells and I
Can't make it stop long enough
To soothe my tearing eyes
Everywhere, they are everywhere
Kissing me, hugging me, touching me
I can't breathe, get them away
The pain of overbearing families
I'm unhappy
To be honest, I'm mad, I'm upset
It's Christmas today
And I don't feel my best
It's that time again
Crackling fires and apple pie
I jump and burst out the door
And scream to my hearts delight
Yet I don't, no, not really
Oh, but how I wish I could
Show them how broken I am
I know that I'm misunderstood
My stepmother thinks my attitude
Is not appropriate for today's event
But she can't see, no, she can't tell
To be a brat was not my intent
It's simple, and yet it's not
Because my heart is broken
And no matter what I do
It will always break open
They sing the merry carols
And I watch the Christmas films
But I'll always be like this
I'll always feel these winter chills
I can feel all of them
The spaces where she should be
How warm she'd make me feel
If her arms were around me
It's that time again
And I still don't know where she is
But I hope, yes, I pray
That soon I'll be over this
Dec 2013 · 603
She Weeps
Nikki Whittaker Dec 2013
Slowly, Slowly
She lost her mind
All her pain is kept inside
Surely, Surely
They can't see
All her tears are drowning me
They flow down from her soul
The years pass by as wrinkles show
Simply, Simply
She breathes a sigh
All her life is stopped in time
Sadly, Sadly
They won't leave
All her ghosts that are haunting me
They chant their screams like lullabies
The sound goes on throughout the night
She weeps, I drown
She breathes, I choke
All my love, my heart she broke
She runs, I fall
She leaves, I die
All her pain becomes my cries
Slowly, Slowly
She lost her mind
All her pain is kept inside
Surely, Surely
They can't see
All her tears are drowning me
Dec 2013 · 355
The Trouble With Me
Nikki Whittaker Dec 2013
I noticed I have trouble
With meeting eyes
It's just a small trait
Not much a surprise
Maybe I feel like they can see me
All that I am
I feel their eyes descending
They see I'm not like them
I noticed I have trouble
Speaking my mind
It's just a small fear
Theirs is better than mine
Maybe I feel if they hear me
All that I say
They'll tell me I'm foolish
To think that way
I noticed I have trouble
Faking a smile
It's just a small problem
Much to my demise
Maybe I feel like if they sense me
All that I yearn
Their hearts would be breaking
So I still try to learn
I noticed I have trouble
Coping with things
It's just a small trait
My mother seems to bring
Dec 2013 · 1.6k
Short and Meaningful
Nikki Whittaker Dec 2013
I think I'm falling in love with you
That's all I have to say
You don't need to know
You'll never love me anyway
Dec 2013 · 792
On the Verge
Nikki Whittaker Dec 2013
Maybe if we smile
We can forget for a while
Then our pain will seem no more
And together we can walk to the shore
Because, you see, you were drowning
On the verge of death, willing
To let it all consume you
Yet, love was all you had to do
Do you love me?
Or are you just confused?
For it seems you have forgotten
That I will not be used
We weren't meant to be like this
So alone and broken
If you had let me save you
I wouldn't have spoken
I said hurtful words
You know I didn't mean it
I didn't want you to hurt
But can't you see?
This is killing me
No, I can't breathe
And I won't fall asleep
Because the blame's on me
Maybe if we smile
We can forget for a while
Then our pain will seem no more
And together we can walk to the shore
Because, you see, we were swimming
Trying our best to stay alive
Though I could tell you were willing
To let yourself die...
Nikki Whittaker Dec 2013
He had his own scent
His own type of aura
It came off like clouds of dust
From within his skin, burnt sienna
He had something shiny there
Some kind of hazy dream
But if I ever asked about it
He'd say it's not what it seems
You see, my daddy was a smoking man
But I didn't know quite yet
The meaning of that phrase
Not to its full extent
I was intrigued with his eyes
And the way he spoke
I would watch forms shape
From thick, grey, and poisonous smoke
He had something earthy there
Wrapped in some tin foil
He would rub it in his hands
And trade cash for his spoils
You see, my daddy was a merchant man
I learned that on a cold night
Sitting alone in his rusty jeep
When the other men wanted to fight
My daddy looked to me
Telling me to look away
Maybe, I should have listened
It was took late anyway
An explosion sounded
It's echo ringing in my ear
My daddy on the ground
Convulsing in fear
Screaming, someone was screaming
I stop to listen
And realize it was me
My feet were moving
And I was there next to him
Trying to stop the blood
That was covering my skin
He had a look on his face
Like he was trying to explain
But every time he tried to speak
He didn't know what to say
He had some kind of waste there
The wind had scattered all around
He was too deep in this world
No way else to fall down
You see, my daddy was a smoking man
Right down to his core
Couldn't see past the nightmares
To get off of the floor
He got lost in his hazy dreams
Somehow the pain would ease
You see, my daddy was a merchant man
But he let himself get burned
He risked everything he had
And got nothing in return
He took chances with gunshot wounds
Had some silly notion he was immune
Dec 2013 · 467
Show Me How to Love
Nikki Whittaker Dec 2013
I want to be fearless
I want to stand tall
And I want him to say he loves me
And break through my concrete wall

I’ve never known love
I’ve never felt its embrace
It’s never looked me in the eye
And told me that it was okay

They say that sparks fly
The very first time
I wonder what that’s like
I bet it feels nice

You’re not afraid of being vulnerable
Of taking down your concrete walls
And letting everything spill out
And making a mess of it all

But you say it was enchanting
It was like love at first sight
And you spoke of a love story
And a sparkling night

Tell me more of how it feels
Standing on the sort of holy ground
That makes someone fall to their knees
And want to dance around

I want to be fearless
Yeah, I think I’m ready to fall
And take the chance not being caught
Rather than not loving at all
Dec 2013 · 682
Hereditary
Nikki Whittaker Dec 2013
The fact of the matter is I'm tired.  I'm absolutely and positively exhausted.  Each day I wake and lay in bed to question if getting up is really that important, if I really need to attend that politics class.  
You were tired too.  You laid in bed for hours, days, weeks, and never thought maybe you should go to work.  You weren't worried about the groceries that were dwindling in the fridge.  All you wondered was if Rapunzel and her golden hair could heal you of your pain.
She couldn't.
What makes me tired is that when you finally did rise up out of your bed, you walked out the door.  I never saw you again.  Funny, you woke up to leave me.  I guess I should be proud in some sick, bittersweet way.  Maybe I should applaud you for gathering all your strength to do what you actually wanted to do since I was a child.  Blame me for the emptiness in your heart.  I'm the one who showed up and disrupted your peace.  Send me to sleep at night for me to wake to no one in the morning.  Then I can lie in bed forever.
I'm also tired of hating you, of being so mad at you that my heart starts to boil inside me.  
The fact of the matter is you hurt me.  Sometimes I go to Rapunzel and ask for her golden hair but I can't bring myself to even look her in the eye.  Because now I am you.  The very essence of your cold and   sad being has entered into my veins and I feel like giving up.  Just like you.
Maybe one day I won't be tired anymore.  Then, I can get up and leave all the ones I love. Yes, maybe one day I'll have children to run away from and break them at the core.

After all, isn't it every girls dream to be like mommy?
Dec 2013 · 814
Conductor of My Dreams
Nikki Whittaker Dec 2013
One, Two, Three
Four, Five, Six
Fall asleep and dream with me
I’ll take away your sorrow
       WAIT, STOP
One, Two, Three
Four, Five, Six
Imagine you’re in a field full
Of your favorite flowers
One, Two, Three
The flowers are set flames
      TRY TO WAKE UP
No, you cannot run, child
Four, Five, Six
Try to focus on my voice
      DON’T LISTEN!
The floor disappears and you’re falling
One, Two, Three
Four, Five, Six
But don’t worry, I’ll catch you
You’ll never know pain again
     COME ON, GET UP
Trust me with your heart
Leave it in my arms
One, Two
We’ll sleep forever and here
All your dreams can come true
Three
      LET ME GO
Stop resisting me!
Four, Five
This is the only way to be happy
Give up your heart to me!
     NEVER!
Six…
Afraid to Love You

— The End —