to the boy who currently holds my heart,

your past lover;
she will always love you in a way that i can't.
and for that, i envy her.

NJ2015 All Rights Reserved.

i guess it says something about me
that every-time my wii reads 'there was an error'
my heart starts racing and anxiety invades my being.

the thing with self-improvement is that they teach you when you're young to never give up; to never be satisfied. they tell you to always strive for more. but they forget to apply the, "too much of a good thing can be a bad thing" rule before it's too late.

i've lost hours, and broken strings, and bruised hands striving to be he best. i've fallen, i've cried myself to sleep, i've changed my hair color, trying to be the best. i've spent so many years of my life trying to find me only to feel more lost than i have ever been.

now he love's me for someone i'm not
and he can't understand it when i tell him he doesn't love me
'cause he swears he does.

funny how the thing that frightens me is what i have become.

NJ2016 All Rights Reserved.

after eighteen years, i still feel my life has not yet begun;
'most of objects in mirror may be closer than they appear,'
i really hope the rules of a side-view mirror
are the same rules of my future;

cause i'm driving down this quiet road,
a little lost, a little alone.

N.J

he was the boy your mother always told you to stay away from,
but ended up loving more than she ever loved you.

she would know he was at your house before you did,
because she could hear the R&B; music blasting from car;
but you never heard it because that's all he ever played;
you've become accustomed to the sound.

he always seems to call you at 4am to tell you he loves you,
when he's drunk -he was drunk the first time he told you.
sometimes you feel a little bubbly inside,
then you realize, that's just what he was drinking.
your mom rolled her eyes and smiled,
dismissed it with, oh, young love.

he was the kind of boy to take you everywhere with him,
to pick you up from work and spend the whole day with you,
but was always too busy at the exact moment you really needed him.


my mom warned me to stay away from boys like him,
said that they were only trouble,

but i don't think she ever considered the trouble to be
that he would love himself loving me too much to notice
that he doesn't really know me at all.

(NJ2015) All Rights Reserved

i hate to make a metaphor out of everything,
but we're celestial bodies orbiting out of control.

each day the sun rises with it's own strength
to clear paths and make visible the roads
that she can't even walk on.

the moon rises every night off of the sun's glow,
and not once does he return the favor;
he takes just enough so that gleaming eyes can adore;
the sun is so bright he doesn't even look at her.

when i was younger i read somewhere that
if you're going to do something, give it your all,
or don't do it at all.
and i have religiously lived up to that reading
until i met you.

you attend school just enough so you won't fail - just making it.
you work just enough so you won't get fired -just making it.

and this relationship,
is just making it.

i want a love like the movies,
or at least a love that i can feel.

pixels shouldn't make me feel more
than you do.

NJ2015 [all rights reserved]

he reminds me of thunderstorms,
the way his voice soothes me to sleep,
the way his hands run down my body
like dew drops on a car window.
his humid breath on my neck,
sending chills up my spine.

one minute it's down-pouring,
the next minute there's nothing but the scent of stale rain.
a love that's screaming one moment,
and silent the next.

when the lightning between our body seizes,
the thunder in my mind begins.
i end days drenched in the rain of us,
and i'm catching a cold.

i want a love like sunny days,
all i've ever know is love in the rain.

NJ2015 [all rights reserved]