Whenever I ask myself, I wonder if anyone has ever touched their toe to their *******, I know someone has. I know it’s possible and it’s true. I am a human. I don’t have anything to prove and I don’t have to prove anything. I am here to be here. There is nothing besides happy.
There are holes in everybody’s story. You never know everything about anybody. The person you want to spend the rest of your life with may pick their nose and eat the boogers. They may talk bad about you on the phone. Hell, maybe they abuse their pets when you’re gone. You can’t know until you catch it on camera. My coworker once told me, “You be careful.” He said, “You know, people be watchin’ when you don’t think they watchin’.” I have a saw in my closet. I asked myself, “What would you be scared to see?”
My hands are always cold. I once picked my grandmother’s dog up by its hind legs with my cold hands. I didn’t even know they were mine until years later when my cousin told me and I confessed to my grandma. I think my cousin is gay but no one will admit they’re thinking the same thing. All he eats is bologna with mustard, how many times can you eat mustard in one day? How many spoons do you have? I only use knives with butter when I scrape the butter from a spoon. I’m not an idiot. Butter goes on toast.
My sister doesn’t use a toilet, she dug a hole. She could fit into the hole if she wanted to, but she doesn’t want to, she dug it for me. I still haven’t thanked her but I don’t think she’s noticed, she still talks to me.

Judgmental glances
Burning holes in her back
With the devil she dances
Once white is now black

When you gamble
You will loose
And the darkness
He will choose

If you open the door
He will surely enter
Back again once more
To smother the ember

He won't stop at anything
Not till you're in ruins
Nevermore to sing
He dances to the invisible tune

You never fail to mystify me
Love out of reach
A devastating fallacy
I wish you the very best
But only feel sorry partially
There’s a smile on your face again
No use for thinking so logically
A hidden curriculum so easy to mask
I’d love to know you but hate to ask
You are all I dream about
-And there you were-
A love aptitude that’s entirely illiterate
Your pearly smile stays stretched continuously illuminate
Save the feelings for the archive
So foreign and entirely glamorized
They fail to represent what reality is waiting impatiently
Your looks are intense
They compliment your insanity
But in the mean time I’m failing miserably
I can’t even look you in the eye
I’m too shy

I asked myself if I did that,
as if I had been sitting here before.
"Was that me? Why don't I remember doing this?"
and I think who it was who sat here before me,
where are they now, how was their life affected by
drawing two lines on a desk,
what knowledge were they
distracting themselves from learning?
How did my life change by fixing the line
so that it was straight?
Why is any of this significant?

I want to learn to be the girl that is so numb, that she can forget her past and move along as though nothing has ever happened to her in life. Just a clean slate; passing through life. Taking each day as it comes with no memories and no preconceived notions about the world and the people that occupy it. The girl too careless to react or over-react. The girl so uninvolved that she dare not take chances and risk ******* things up. The girl that is just there, un-noticed. Then I could play the part of someone that others can get used to having around. Then I could be content with myself.

k.d.

Your touch used to feel like lightning; igniting my entire body
as if it were christmas lights you meant to wrap around the entire world.
Your fingertips followed dance routines on my arms,
leaving behind a path of hot embers right down to my thighs.

You set off fireworks in my chest the moment our skin
brushed against each other's ever so slightly;
those Roman Candles were almost lethal,
but it seems your extremities could revive me even after death.

You'd trigger static and sparks that would light up my eyes
and leave a tingling sensation through every limb.

I don't know what you did, my dear -
you materialized me -
made me inanimate just by your touch,
only awakened by the currents you transferred through your palms.

It's as if I were a light bulb,
plugged in forevermore in the socket of your grip.
You were electricity, darling, and I was water; my voltaic shock was inevitable.
You were fire and a sweet, sweet tempting bomb of affection I couldn't resist -
                        tick,
                                 tick,
                                          tick,
                                                    tock.
With all that energy we were bound to burn out.

But, in some attempt of insanity, you reached for my hand today
and I swore I saw those sparks start to pour out of your fingers once again.
And I almost reached out, drawn in by the flare
and ready for the charge to hit me like a murderer's bullet

almost

but instead,
I flinched.

- g.d.

january 11th, 2014
i feel like i'm getting bad again.  my head constantly hurts from all the thoughts i have going through it. my mind simply won't stop racing, i think it's because i miss you, but i'm not sure. it's hard to say. write again soon, promise.

january 20th, 2014
i'm getting bad again. i think they're worried about me. i told them about how i missed you. they said to try to forget about you, but forgetting your best friend and your first love is hard to do. i've been biting my fingers to the bone to try to keep myself from thinking of you. it hasn't been working. write again soon, promise.

january 24th, 2014
i'm bad again. i miss you. you told me not to worry about you, that you're doing just fine. but she's going to hurt you. i know she is. the nausea this is causing me is something i didn't know I was capable of feeling. it's honestly terrifying to know your body can put these kinds of ailments upon you all because of a gut feeling you have. write again soon, promise.

january 28th, 2014
i'm over the edge. she kissed you and hurt you. her lips were like daggers against yours and she ended up stabbing you, just like i said she would. but you didn't listen. write again soon, promise.

january 31st, 2014
i don't know where i am. you're sad and so am i. my empathy is unnatural. i feel your vibes from 3,800 miles across the ocean. i miss you. it's hard to keep a grip on this pen with the blood lubricating my fingers. don't know when to write again, might be soon, might be later, but i'll try, promise.

february 2nd, 2014
i'm sorry for the blood on the paper, it's not easy to control it when it's constantly pouring out of the self inflicted wounds that for some reason they've refused to patch up. i told you she was wrong for you. i knew that you'd be leaving and i knew you'd find someone else but i thought you'd be smarter than this. try to hold the pen soon, promise.

february 4th, 2014
i can't stop shaking, i didn't think you'd get to me this much. my vomiting is uncontrollable, even though there's nothing left in my body to throw up. my veins are exhausted from me constantly prying them open with the same pair of scissors you once took away from me. i told you she wasn't right for you. i told you what would happen. you knew this is how it would end up. my selfishness has taken over and convoluted compassion for you is no longer there. you did this to me because you were never there and you won't ever be. you knew how much i thought i loved you and you know how well i take these things. but my feelings don't matter, they never did. you said you'd be there for me but you weren't anymore after you met her. she changed you for the worst. i can't even fathom to say goodbye to you, so i'll leave you with a final story, since you love them so much.
"i'll sit here in my hospital bed in this gown they've dressed me in that's stained with lines and spatters of blood and smoke my cigarette and think of you as my last thought before i go. sorry to worry you. goodbye, my dear."
last time i'll write, promise.

I never knew your exquisite features
could **** me in such a beautiful way.

The way your eyes
stabbed my heart and broke it into shards of glass
reminded me of the specks of blue in your eyes,
so I apologized for the terrible mess I must have caused
and the scratches I must have inflicted on your
dreamy gaze, the one I wanted to bottle up and keep
on rainy days.

The way your skin
electrified my soul after a simple touch
and disrupted the chemical flow between my sensitive nerves
made me feel so special,
so I let you
destroy me in the most lovely way imaginable.

The way your smile
caused an explosion in the pits of my stomach
and caused a herd of buffaloes to
slowly rise in the lump in my throat, made me think of
the one time they tried to explain the Manhattan Project,
so I figured the destruction you caused was only
a history lesson.

-MB