mystique: Poems

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mystique May 2015

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" after all this time apart,
      your memories still haunt me.
            your touch still keeps me awake at night,
                      dreams of you turn into nightmares. "

#hauntme

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mystique Sep 2015

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growing up my mom taught me a lot of things,
but she never taught me about the lies boys carry in their pockets.
she always told me that i will find him,
by him she meant the one who will have my heart forever.
but she forgot to tell me about the lies,
the deceit and the pain.
she never told me that some days would be heaven,
while some were hell.
she never prepared me for the burning that i would get,
the burning in my throat and lungs from the day he left me.

she never prepared me,
prepared me for the expectations of perfection,
she only told me that they would love me for me.
she never told me,
told me that i would spend days in my room crying,
crying because my heart had sank to my knees and i couldnt stand it anymore.
she never taught me,
taught me how to move on,
move on after my love became a never ending boomerang of sadness.

my mom never prepared me,
prepared me for the boys who say i love you with their crooked lips while their eyes wandered.
she never told me how dangerous these boys were,
the ones who always knew what to say.

4-8-15

mystique Aug 2015

4-8-15

i put my words in stanzas,
put a ribbon around them and showed them to you...
you didn't like them.

i put my words in couplets,
i put them in a box and shipped them to you...
you still didn't like them.

i put my words in a full poem,
placed the poem in a bottle,
sent it into the ocean in hopes that it finds you...
you read the poem, wept and never spoke a word.

i placed my words in my heart,
drenched them in blood,
whispered them into your soul.
you held on to me,
eyes locked on each other with a sign of emotion...
that's when you finally let me know,
that my words reminded you of anchors....

they always seek refuge in the pits of your heart and soul...

for you..

Big girls do cry..

mystique May 2015

Big girls do cry..

wait...
you said big girls don't cry than why is my pillow wet for the 4th night in a row?

wait..
you said being a big girl was gonna be easy, I was gonna love a whole lot and live a lot more

wait..
tell me why does it hurt so much that he left me for her ?

wait..
I know its been months and i'm suppose to get a move on with my life

but wait..
he was my life

big girls do cry, because the other day I stood by the mirror
i was a big girl,
but my eyes were swollen, cause i've been crying...

No, no it wasn't his fault,
it was mine
I couldn't be what he needed....

so he left this big girl behind..

bye lover...

i hope she makes you happy...

Do not

mystique Sep 2015

Do not

Do not choose the girl who is battered and bruised,
the girl who always lost.
Do not choose the boy who is hurt,
the boy who never knew how to care.
Do not choose the girl with fears,
the one who never lives and is always scared.
Do not choose the boy with scars on his wrists,
the boy who has only one friend and that is his blade.
Do not choose the girl with a fake smile and drowsy brown eyes,
the one who only gives love but never accepts it.
Do not choose the boy with a loud laugh and a big crowd,
the one who has loneliness tattooed near his heart

Do not choose someone not "normal",
by normal i mean someone with no flaws.
Do not choose them if you know you will constantly hurt them and learn new ways to tear them down.

Do not choose imperfection if all you wanna deal with is perfection.

nobody is perfect.

fall in....

mystique May 2015

fall in....

I'm emotionally distraught
painting pictures with my feelings...
I'm falling into a void,
someone **** this dark circle.
can you hear my scream?
It only comes out in smiles.
someone pull me back I'm almost in too deep,
my heart hurts. . . it's crying in blood..

You said I'll be okay,
why am I in decay ?
My shadows shallow me
my past outruns me,
my future is scared.
I stand unheard,

someone come save me.
my brain is drowning in tears
my eyes are heavy like stones,
they cry in small rocks.
now my cheeks are hurting....

But someone lied,
they lied & said I'm happy
but why? why do i feel so ******...

someone just save me . . . before I fall in
fall into this dark hole
all alone...

#17YearOldMe #2014 #BadTimes #Depression

gin&&tonic

mystique May 2015

gin&&tonic

I can't stand the smell of alcohol,
but maybe that's what i need to drown out the smell of your cologne on my neck.

I can't stand the bitter taste of alcohol,
but maybe that's what i need to drown out your nostalgic taste in my mouth.

I can't stand alcohol,
but maybe that's what I need to be able to stand this life without you.

#comebackformytears

her..

mystique Sep 2015

her..

I am not her,
i am not the girl that will sing "i love you's" and draw hearts on your shirt.
I am not her,
i am not the girl that will hold your hand and promise you forevers.
I am not her,
i am not the girl who will shout out your name in a crowded room just to show the world who you belong to.
I am not her,
i am not the girl who will buy us matching pendants and shirts.
I am not her,
i am not the girl who will be easy to love and easy to understand.

I am not her,
i am the girl who always scribbles words on papers,
reads poetry as a pass time,
naps for a living and is always indecisive.

I am not her,
but i might just be better.

this is corny

king

mystique Jul 2015

king

you held my throat in your hands,
no you didn't choke me-
you kissed me passionately.
kissed me so hard,
i felt my soul cry out for me.

you made me realize whose air i was breathing,
made me realize whose love filled my heart daily.

life support.

mystique May 2015

life support.

I need you to be okay, be strong, survive.

I can't learn to breathe without you.

I need your energy to stay afloat.

I need your smile in order to see rainbows.

I need your voice so I can hear the music.

I need your hugs to keep myself from falling apart.

I need you..
to be my lifeguard on stormy days,
to be my guide when i fail to see.

stay with me, you're my life support, let me be yours.

to the one i call home

looking for my father

mystique Apr 2016

looking for my father

i find myself unable to sleep,
crippled.
lost
confused
this anxiety riddles me with questions
memories
& fears.

i rememeber the first time you touched me
i felt needed
i felt at ease
i felt comforted
your hands felt like home
your words sounded like a song
i felt alive.
i felt love,
or atleast, what i thought to be love.

why did i find home in your hands?
why did your hands offer me a place my father never did?
why did my fathers hands feel like foreign land
and his voice sound like an empty room?
i found missing pieces of my father in you
in your touch
your voice
your laugh

the moments of touch felt like pleasure unleashed
but when you would leave
i would cry and try to scrub,
scrub my sins away
scrub my hate away
scrub the distaste away
scrub my own skin away,
because it felt foreign.

why did i find pleasure in sin?
why did i find joy in the pits of hell?
why?

why are you here again,
touching me.
loving me
searching for a release in me.

i should have said no,
but i never knew how to turn down love
or what looked like it.

#anxiety #mentalillness #******* #absentfather

love, please.

mystique Oct 2015

love, please.

love
despite what has happened to your heart
love, please

love
no matter how many times you have cried and begged for the pain to stop and your heart to heal
love,please

love
despite the pain you felt when your first love became your 20th and your 20th became your first
love,please

love
no matter how many times they keep walking out and banging the door in your face
love, please

love
even if you end up loving till time stands still and no one is there to bask in your feels
love, please

love
because no one deserves to walk away with your love and cause you to never love again.
no one deserve to make you stop loving.

love,please

#3

nightmares

mystique Sep 2015

nightmares

you dreamt of better days,
   while all the nightmares haunted you.
you kept the hope alive,
    the hope that god hears the screams,
     the screams that escape you every night.
hoping that the day dreams you have could one day
        become a reality.
but your nightmares always haunted you,
     and this is why your hopes died,
      this why they fled from you.

pain

mystique Jan 2016

pain

pain
In you i found solace
In you i found comfort
In you i found everything i knew

pain
I have known you the longest
I have lived with you always

pain
I have known you since i was a young girl
before the world stripped me of my innocence
When i thought everything was pure.

pain
I have been engulfed in your maze,
Years and years of trying to escape,
But to my dismay i keep failing.

pain
You are me and i am you ,
The day i met you
everything turned so blue.

pain
I struggle to tear you away,
you keep chasing my happiness away.

pain
You came at my darkest hour,
but now ,
Even at my brightest you remain.

// 26 - 9 - 15

#depression #pain #anxiety

//pain . 2

mystique Apr 2016

//pain . 2

my pain was never easy
it never made beautiful couplets on a page.

instead my pain was danger,
it left me breathless and scared.
corners of my life lurked with shadows,
shadows of past experiences.
I prayed about it,
talked to a psychiatrist about it,
said a few chants about it
But my pain always knew how to enter
and take as it pleased.

my pain was never an aesthetic,
instead - it was me lying in blood stained sheets on a cold morning,
laying there while everyone continued their lives exploring.
my pain left me in bed,
with death tattooed down my left vein.

when sadness didn’t seem enough anymore,
my pain would ask for more.
it always demanded more,
& more is what i gave.

#livingwithdepression

small doses of self-hate

mystique Apr 2016

small doses of self-hate

you cringe,
as you look in the mirror.

you say a prayer,
hoping God can erase this hate.

you hate you.
how did we get here?

you try to hide it,
hide the many tears and the scars.

you hear people say "she is so beautiful, so bold, so carefree",
your skin crawls.

you try and hide,
be smaller,
be invisible.

but everyone can see,
they can smell it.

your body is aching,
from all the stares.

your soul is rotting,
from all the times self-love was promised, but never given.

you have an enemy,
this enemy is you,
it has always been you.

#depression #mentalillness #selflove #selfhate #bodypositivity #bodylove

the girl who resembled art.

mystique Sep 2015

the girl who resembled art.

if loving her was supposed to be easy,
  then maybe she wouldn't resemble art.
because she was like a painting placed in a gallery,
   a painting hidden behind the beautiful sculptures.
everyone always admired her from afar,
   attention focused on the beauty that is easy to see.
no one ever got close enough,
close enough to see the beauty behind her madness.

the week *(weak)*

mystique Aug 2015

the week *(weak)*

i still have vivid memories of how hospital visits had become a norm.

i didn’t know that someone with so much life and charisma could just lay there with machines keeping them alive.

i never understood how the silence in between our chats were the scary words neither of us could say.

this wasn’t you,

this wasn’t how i knew you.

my thoughts, tears and screams struggled to the finish line..

each one hoping to get there first..

i held my fears in my throat and lungs,

i refused to believe the inevitable,

i refused to believe that life had an ending for all of us..

especially an ending for people as beautiful as you.

when i looked in your eyes that day,

it was as if you saw my soul..

as if you could see how it had hidden itself far away,

behind the smile,

behind the laughter,

behind the cheer..

maybe you did see my soul..

& you just didn't know how to tell your daughter that her fear of the inevitable would eventually be tested...

that i would eventually have to listen to somber words telling me to be “strong”

“it will be okay”

“she’s your angel now”.

if i could go back to that day,

i would remember to say goodbye....

things i wish they told you . . .

mystique May 2016

things i wish they told you . . .

Did they ever tell you about the magic in your soul?
did they ever tell you how ethereal you truly are?
do they ever tell you how even on your bad days,
you still shine?
do they ever tell you that you are a flower?
that will bloom at its own accord
according to its own rules ?
a wild flower?
did they ever tell you how beautiful you are?
or how the universe is captured in your eyes?
do they ever tell you about the stars that roam around your aura?
how your smile can cause planets to collide?

forgive them if they didn't,
because i am here
telling you
that baby you are a fire blazing,
never ever let them tame you
never let them extinguish you
never let them tell you that you burn too high
or your fire is too low

because you are enough.
here, now and today.
you are enough,
today, tomorrow and forever.

don't let them tell you anything different.

#positivevibes #positiveaffirmations #maypositivity

This love thing ..

mystique Jun 2015

This love thing ..

maybe i am not looking for your kind of love.
All the unwritten rules and obligations.
Maybe i am looking for my own version of love,
I want love to be like a spontaneous bike ride decided on hastily before the sun sets on a sunday evening.
I want love to be like jumping from a cliff into a the lake, so sure that you will crash into water and find safety.
I want love to be like making coffee, being uncertain whether 2 or 3 sugars will be enough.
I want love to be like waking up in the morning, a Monday morning with the buzz of a new week yet the loath of the morning.
I want love to be faulty, unsure, unsteady.
I want it to be about what is done , more than what is said .
I want to feel a deep knot in my tummy everytime I can't see your face in a crowded room .
Yet i wanna feel ease knowing that tonight we will make love and I will lay in your arms .
I want a difficult love , but yet easy.
I want a love that understands love and puts in no complications .
A love written in the stars,
A sun and moon kind of love .

time- 12:03

mystique Jul 2015

time- 12:03

time has come and time has past,
yet i can still feel your presence in my lungs.
i can still feel how on numerous occasions you left me gasping for air.
how on many days the sight of your eyes had my breath hitching.

I could breath,
easily even.

But when you would come around
my lungs would fail me.
I would take chunks of your scent into my lungs,
hold on to that scent as long as i could.
But science and physics would fail me,
forcing me to breath again
therefore losing your scent.

time has come and time has past,
yet traces of your scent stay in my lungs.

I never want to let go .

27-07-2015

Untitled

mystique Sep 2015

Untitled

speak gently of yourself
the same way you would
speak
of
someone you love.
let love echo in all the words you say about
your self.

- self love

what we had

mystique Jul 2015

what we had

the memories we shared,
when i start thinking of all we had.

we fell in love in summer,
blossomed in spring.
you were always so hot and i so cold.

i winced at the thought of hot days and hotter nights.
you loathed the coldness of night and hated how the winter sun only brought a bit of color.

but in autumn, oh baby,in autumn.
the cold met the hot,
how beautiful crimson be.
the leaves fell in accordance,
made the season seem like a beautiful dance.

but that wasn't enough,
this love needed more than one
beautiful season...
we tried,oh baby, we tried.

but seasons changed,
autumn rained,
winter came,
and the summer caved.

and i stood there,
craving you,
craving for what we used to have.

when i find you, papi.

mystique May 2015

when i find you, papi.

In a room full of people,

in a crowded place,

at the worlds busiest crossroad,

I’ll always search for your face.

& no matter how many times I see you,

trust me, I’ll always choose you.

scribbles at the back of my books will always be about you.

will i?

mystique Aug 2015

will i?

will i ever let you love me?
  let you see past the gates of my locked fortress?

will i ever let you see me?
  see me in my vulnerability and pain?

will i ever let you touch me?
    touch my scars, touch my fears?

will i ever let you love me?
    let you love a person who only knows unrequited love?

will i ever let you near me, will i?
      cause baby i don't know,
       i have never been with anyone who stayed,
          stayed long enough to witness the flaws,
             or even witness my pain.....

#me #answer

x files.

mystique May 2015

x files.

I've been making bad decisions lately,
I've been choosing your happiness over mine.
I've been hiding my smile just to make you laugh...
I've been living for you,
maybe it's because I have been lonely..
Unlike pnd I've been lonely all the days of the week & not just on thursday nights..

I've been yearning to be loved for once
To be caressed for once
To be someones " girlfriend "for once

You came at the right time, when my mind only knew solitude
Oh how great it was letting my mind meet a fellow human.
we enjoyed the moments, maybe you more than me.

I got what i needed, an occasional " I love you " and a "goodnight gorgeous"

I was fine till i started making cracks on the walls of this "love" we had.
I pointed out how the corners of our affection were crumbling, you said no we will be fine
I pointed out how the floors of our love were opening in half, you promised me that we'll be fine.
I pointed out how the walls of our conversations didn't look the same anymore, you said no I'll be fine.
And in that moment the ceiling of our companionship started cracking, you said no you'll fix it.

I asked " what about we?, can't we do this together" you kept quiet....

Baby, I had to sit back and watch you slowly change into someone I didnt know.
& finally when my addiction to you that turned into a habit that soon turned into a hobby stopped

I took my heart and walked away, but you know what hurts? You held the door of our relationship open for me.

You wished me a happy departure.

#longpoem #myevent

— The End —