i am the one you come to
when everything seems to be falling apart.
you wouldn't know what to do with yourself
if you couldn't come to me for answers.
i am the only one you can trust.
the only one that can lift your head
and wipe the tears from your cheeks.
the only one that can make you happy.
where would you be without me?

i have dreamt about you every night this week.
i picture your hands trailing up my spine,
igniting every single one of my nerves like a livewire.
i feel like i'm sitting over an open flame, melting.
i think about the gentle curve of your hips and
my hands caressing your alabaster skin,
watching as your brilliantly blue eyes shut and
your rosy lips part to let the smallest gasp escape.
your chin tilts up to expose the length of your neck and
i imagine my teeth grazing the soft line of your jaw.
your fingers twist into my hair, tugging,
just so i pull my head away long enough
for your lips to meet mine.
you taste like the sweetest strawberries and
you smell like spices and sleep.
my fingers go to trace the rise of your cheekbones and
i can feel you slowly slipping away.
i shut my eyes to hold onto you just a little longer.
but when i open them again
i'm in my bed,
alone.

a calm curiosity led me to you.
you were exotic to me.
a pair of piercing blue eyes,
fawny freckles on high cheekbones,
a devilish smirk that screamed danger.
i should've listened when they said
curiosity killed the cat.

i always find you in the strangest places.
i find you in song lyrics, dog toys, and timber old spice.
i find you in chicken flavored ramen noodles, every shade of blue and purple, and horror movies.
i find you in rainbow coloring books, permanent markers, and colored pencils.
i find you in the grass at memorial park, folded slips of paper in my back pocket, and gourmet lollipops.
i find you in hot fudge sundaes, too-big tshirts, and icp snapbacks.
i find you in chik-fil-a receipts, gumball machines, and arcade games.
i find you in white roses, blue ribbons, animal crackers, and sour gummy worms.
i always find you in the strangest places.
but these strange places are everywhere.

it's so hard for me to start conversations because i'm hopelessly picky.
if i talk to you, i want to talk about something that will keep the conversation going.
i hate when there's silence, and i hate when i struggle to find something to reply with.
i hate when you send "yeah" or "okay" because that means this conversation is over and i have to struggle to start a new one.
i don't want to bore you with my weak attempts at keeping you close.
i want you to talk to me, i want you to want to talk to me.
i want enthusiasm and i don't want to have to rattle my brain to keep it up, because it was never like that.
but it's not as easy as it used to be.
i revel in the rare days that we talk nonstop for hours.
the days where conversation is so simple and never wears out.
but i know that after a day like that
there's only silence until one of us figures out something else to say.

i need you to just look for a moment
i need you to just take a step back and see what i'm seeing
i need you to know the type of person that you're becoming
i need you to focus on becoming the person that you should be
you are a good person.
i can see it in you and i know you do too
but you are trying so hard to keep all of it hidden away
stop trying to hide this person inside of you
you are better than what others say about you
you are strong and caring and fearless and passionate
your intelligence is not the only thing that defines you
you are worth more than just your vocabulary
you try so hard to hide the good side
but deep down you know you can't keep it away
stop trying to cover up who you really are
let go for a moment and finally free yourself.

i hate sitting a foot away from you and
not being able to look at you.
i hate not talking to you,
but i think the constant closeness
is lonelier than the silence.
i hate being tortured like this,
tortured by the fact that you are right there,
so close that i could reach over and touch your sleeve
but i can't have you.
i know how ridiculous it is,
to want the one person
that just keeps breaking me,
but i won't lie and say
that i haven't grown use to the countless ways
you have made me hurt.
you have taken everything away from me.
my happiness,
my motivation,
my heart.
you even managed to take my mind hostage.
everything reminds me of you.
i can't listen to music or write or read or dream
without you running through my thoughts.
it's not like you ever really left in the first place,
but whose fault is that?
of course it's mine
since you apparently can't be blamed for anything.
at this point, my memories don't even belong to me anymore,
they're yours.
everything that you've ever been a part of
has been shut away in this box labeled
"her."
in a feeble attempt to erase you
from the recesses of my mind.
but erasing you means erasing parts of me
that i can't live without.