i hate sitting a foot away from you and
not being able to look at you.
i hate not talking to you,
but i think the constant closeness
is lonelier than the silence.
i hate being tortured like this,
tortured by the fact that you are right there,
so close that i could reach over and touch your sleeve
but i can't have you.
i know how ridiculous it is,
to want the one person
that just keeps breaking me,
but i won't lie and say
that i haven't grown use to the countless ways
you have made me hurt.
you have taken everything away from me.
my happiness,
my motivation,
my heart.
you even managed to take my mind hostage.
everything reminds me of you.
i can't listen to music or write or read or dream
without you running through my thoughts.
it's not like you ever really left in the first place,
but whose fault is that?
of course it's mine
since you apparently can't be blamed for anything.
at this point, my memories don't even belong to me anymore,
they're yours.
everything that you've ever been a part of
has been shut away in this box labeled
"her."
in a feeble attempt to erase you
from the recesses of my mind.
but erasing you means erasing parts of me
that i can't live without.

when will you realize that everything you
say to me takes a toll on my heart?
my love for you is unwavering, unchanging
and it just goes unnoticed by you.
i feel invisible and invalidated.
i can never tell by your tone of voice
how you feel or what you're thinking.
i want you to tell me how you feel,
tell me what you're thinking.
let me in. just, let me in.
i can't breathe without you,
but you confuse me.
we'll sit and talk for hours,
conversation flowing between us like water,
but it can turn to ice in seconds without warning
and you leave me freezing.
we can be inches, centimeters,
even millimeters apart
and it would still feel like miles.
you and i can't ever be too close,
we intertwine like ivy whenever we can.
but it's not enough, it will never be enough.
you have kept me warm for so long
my body has almost forgotten what it's like to be cold.
almost.
there are days that you remind me how the cold feels
and it terrifies me that i have given you the power to do that.
but even when i am frostbitten,
i let you keep my heart warm.

your presence alone gives me peace.
seeing you sends waves of calm through my chest,
but it's your voice that quiets my chaotic thoughts.
i could listen to you speak forever
and i couldn't ever hope for a better sound.

You left because I made you feel vulnerable.
I made you feel things you've never felt before,
and you were so scared of what you were feeling
that you made me think I was broken for feeling it too.