I've been told that nothing hurts as much as the fresh cut of a first love and the way it stings every inch of your soul, the way that it makes you hollow and full of complete sadness all at once and how you never really know whether you ever loved him at all.
You think, "maybe he was just a passing season and maybe I'll be okay, afterall," but you said that in the summertime and we're well into December now but you don't feel any better at all.
Maybe it's okay that you're not okay, but it's about time that you stop bringing him up in conversation and find a boy who you can kiss in your spare time but then again maybe it's time you called him up and tell him you still love him.
No, what a terrible idea! It's arbitrary, anyhow, because he's with the girl he's been crushing on since before you even existed in his life and you're dancing with the devil at that party you didn't want to go to.
I've been told that the first love and first loss is the most heartbreaking so maybe when I wake up next to the boy from my western civ class and decide I love him it won't be so earth-shattering when he knocks on my door and says he's ready to move on.

Falling in love is beautiful but I still remember the crash, how it swept up and knocked me off of my feet. You said that it's supposed to feel that way-magical and fast and spontaneous, but I felt like it was more shakey, scary, unsafe. You looked me in the eyes and told me you were ready for my love but I couldn't recall where I'd placed it so now you're playing with fools gold and I've got the real deal. You're dancing in the kitchen light with me and we're laughing but I know it won't last more than the night and you're whispering "forever" into my ear. I remember the crash, the fall, the burning, but you painted it so much prettier.

You're so far away from me
And you think, "she looks awfully beautiful in this light"
But I don't want to fall in love tonight

And you're so handsome standing there
A shy smile spread across your lips
But I won't let your hands rest around these hips

I'm trying to save you, I really am
Because I know you'd be there whenever I call
But your arms are somewhere I'm not worthy to fall

I have to look at old pictures
From past adventures
Misplaced experiences
Remember what it felt like
Before the world fell at my feet
And I try to remember what it smelled like
What it sounded like
But I can't get back there anymore
So I look at the pictures
Reminisce about the times before you

I gave you a thousand reasons for you to hate me
And I could probably give you a million more
But you never asked for one at all

You need to move on and I need to grow up
So I will make you hate my guts
Though I'm not sure that's what you even wanted

I hate myself
And now you hate me too
Something in common we could never enjoy

If I knew how to receive love
As well as you knew to give it
Maybe my heart wouldn't hurt
And yours wouldn't break

My mind is closed off
And you're an open book
My journals got a padlock
And yours is a published work

I wish I could be more like you
So kind and free
But I am too much of me
So broken and ready to leave

I'm living off of borrowed time
Checking a watch that isn't even mine
You ask where I'm headed
I say that I don't know
You ask if you can come
As if I could've said no
You ask how I'm feeling
It depends on the day
You ask what I'm thinking
But I have nothing to say