you wake up
his hair is spilled across the pillow,
the sun slants across his cheekbone
and his breath is slow and even.
he smells like an open field
and his body is wrapped around yours
so he keeps you warm.
you think,
there is no moment better than this,
that he is too perfect to exist.
but you wake up gasping,
skin soaked in sweat.
you lie there for a long time,
in your completely empty bed.

my heart wasn’t intact when I met you
but you took my pieces
and arranged them into a puzzle I didn’t know could complete me.
you held them close,
cherishing the small details they entailed,
and warmed them when they were bitter.
one day,
you decided my puzzle wasn’t yours anymore,
and you threw away those tiny, curvy fragments.
a few there and a few here,
I will find them.
I’ll piece them back together,
and find my heart again.
looking up at the stars,
I wonder why my heart feels this way,
the same way it did before I met you.

I love him
I tell myself
I know that
We will be together forever
I don’t believe that
We could be separated
My thoughts tell me that
He’s the love of my life
Sometimes my heart lies and says
I could live an eternity
Without him
Like my friends say
“We’re perfect for each other”
And you can’t tell me
He’s not the one.

Now read from bottom to top.

I'm sorry
because I can't control my broken mind.
Please, forgive me
because I don't know what to do with my toxic feelings.
You need to understand,
that my mind is dark and I have trust issues,
that some days it's impossible for me to care about the people I love.
I  don't want you to leave me,
because even though I can act like I don't need you
you are the one that's keeping my boat afloat.
But I'm not the type of person you need in your life;
You need someone willing to dry your tears
and I'm one of the reasons why you cry at night.
You need a lighthouse to show you the way back to sanity,
and I'm a storm that causes you  anxiety.
And because I love you
deep enough to realize how toxic I am to you,
so much that it hurts to see you hurting because of my words,
I'll have to say goodbye.
Because I care about you,
and if you stay with me
I'll end up breaking you.

I'm born into ashes and grown up in fire
I'm raised wearing a mask and have developed my own casque
Trying to perfect the impossible and achieving what you require
I'm raised to believe in realistic ambition and repeating manque
I'm done, now standing with my back against the sun, ignoring your commando
Now looking deep, and lost into my own shadow.