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  Jul 2014 Shayna
Shruti Atri
Do not look at me like that.
With those eyes that see only what is shone to you.
And you accept all of it.
No questions asked.
No logic, no reason to seek.
I am not just an object you can look at.

Do not look at me like that.
With the judgment of their thoughts
That you so shamelessly replicate
in your feeble, feeble mind.
No originality.
You bore me in your dullness.
I am not who you think I am.

Do not look at me like that.
With ears filled with their whispers.
I can hear them too, you know.
You're not very discreet.
I am not defined by the stories they say.

I am not an open book,
Or a single shade,
Or a monotone.
I feel nothing for their interests.
I am not alive in their ballads of woe.

I am alive in myself.
I am the abstract, I am the obtuse.

My colors, range to infinity.
My stories have happy sad tormenting everafters.
I do not care for their hollow affection or their false ratification.
I am unattached and I breathe fire--

I'm ablaze in my little place of ease.
Even alone, I have found my love...
She was there along.
Residing in me,
It was always--

*I am myself. That is enough.
Inspired by the line: 'I am myself. That is not enough.' - by Sylvia Plath, from The Jailer.
  Jul 2014 Shayna
I have slept in my bed 800 times
799 times I have slept in between sheets alone, without you
And yet that 735th night
Is what haunts me on night 801
Without you.
I need to get a new bed
And new sheets
And new skin
That you have not touched me in.
Shayna Jul 2014
I wasn't scared; I was ready.
I met this girl, and in her presence alone, I felt new.
Like I didn't have to hurt anymore.
Like she would take away the pain.
The second I looked at her, I saw freedom.
Like everything bad in my world suddenly didn't eat me alive.
She helped me understand that it was okay to smile,
that I don't have to fight anymore.
She kissed my broken heart, and within that I would die trying to kiss hers. She was an angel, that was sent down to fill in the places of everyone I lost. And that was enough, she was enough.
She taught me to stop reliving the hurt he gave my family,
she showed me how to let go of what he did, and heal.
Every second I felt like giving up,
she was there cheering me on to just get through the day, every day.
But as she tried so hard to help me, she became blind to everything I helped her through. Her mind was blackened to this thought that all she did was take care of me, when in reality she knew all she wanted from me was to save her. But that's the thing, you can die trying, but you can't save everyone.
It was time. It was time to let go, of the pain, of the fear, of the sadness.
I wasn't scared; I was ready.
Within the handful of pills I swallowed down and begging for it to be over. Floor filled with blood, vision blurry.
I told her I loved her, but this one wasn't worth saving.
Within five minutes she was holding me, talking me through the fading. Promising me that she won't let go, that she won't leave me.
I puked up the suicide, and laid next to her for hours.
Asking her why she saved me, why she took away my goodbyes.
She kissed me and said it was because I fought my battle and it was time to feel victory.
But that's the thing, she was blind to the fact that this whole time,
through all of this suffering, she was my victory.
She was the one good thing my life held.
The next day, I woke up, in sadness hoping I wouldn't.
How did I survive the hell I put myself through?
Why was I given a second chance?
I cried for hours, till the point I couldn't breath, see, or feel anything.
I went numb.
I blacked out.
I saw the light we we're told about as kids.
I had the panic attack that held my life by a thread.
And as my eyes began to shut,
and I started to let go,
my mother grabbed me.
And in that moment, I never thought hearing
"I'm here, you're okay"
could save my life.
But see she broke her promise.
I haven't seen her since.
And through this all,
losing her hurt more than my own death.
But she's happy, and I guess I'm okay.
Don't take this the wrong way,
I love that you're happy,
But I wish you would have stayed.
Shayna Jul 2014
I don't think there is any possible way to beat the beauty of an eye.
The gloss after a lovely tear waterfall,
for whatever the reason was,
happiness or sadness.
Color is also something that leaves me breathless.
The traits of someones eye could leave you speechless.
Eyes are unique.
In sizes, shapes, color, the way someone looks at you,
or the way you can see the sadness in as small as a glimpse.
I could almost fall in love with someone just for their eyes.
There was this time that I was falling for this girl.
And there was something so beautiful in the sadness
her eyes showed me.
Like she was asking for comfort, for love.
And I couldn't help but give it all to her.
She is the reason I realized the hope and passion
an eye beholds.
I think eyes should get more appreciation.
We need to be more thankful for the
small simple things life blesses us with.
Shayna Jul 2014
I miss you. I miss you so ******* much.
I miss our adventures. I miss talking about growing up
and what tattoos we're gunna get together.
I miss when drugs and girls didn't come between us.
I miss when I was your favorite person in the world.
I miss when all I needed to do was tell you I was hurting or that I needed you and you'd be there in a second.
I miss you. I just really ******* miss you okay.
but then it comes to my attention that when I needed you in hardest and scariest time, you were no where to be found.
I was laying there. Looking into the light of goodbyes.
I was ready. Ready to let go of life, and I needed you there.
To stop me, to love me, to help me.
And that has been eating me alive every ******* day.
But I eventually got over it and now I'm just this heartless and careless girl that only worries about who's under her roof and what's for dinner.
I've been ****** over and left so many times,
I just never expected you to be apart of that list.
I never expected your absence to hurt this bad I just wish the last day we spent together didn't **** so ******* bad.
Because now every time I think back,
I can only see how ****** you were, I guess that's apart of life and what not. Losing and meeting knew people everyday.
Just know I'll always love you,
even when you didn't love me.
Shayna Jul 2014
Have you ever felt the pain of not being able to love the person you're in love with? It is being given air, but not being able to breathe.
It is seeing above water, but being stuck under it.
It is one of the most painful feelings to be felt.
Every time I see you, my heart breaks all over again.
It's like it's a broken record, every time we're together.
and I don't think this pain, this sadness, will ever go away
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