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Shayna Jul 2014
I wasn't scared; I was ready.
I met this girl, and in her presence alone, I felt new.
Like I didn't have to hurt anymore.
Like she would take away the pain.
The second I looked at her, I saw freedom.
Like everything bad in my world suddenly didn't eat me alive.
She helped me understand that it was okay to smile,
that I don't have to fight anymore.
She kissed my broken heart, and within that I would die trying to kiss hers. She was an angel, that was sent down to fill in the places of everyone I lost. And that was enough, she was enough.
She taught me to stop reliving the hurt he gave my family,
she showed me how to let go of what he did, and heal.
Every second I felt like giving up,
she was there cheering me on to just get through the day, every day.
But as she tried so hard to help me, she became blind to everything I helped her through. Her mind was blackened to this thought that all she did was take care of me, when in reality she knew all she wanted from me was to save her. But that's the thing, you can die trying, but you can't save everyone.
It was time. It was time to let go, of the pain, of the fear, of the sadness.
I wasn't scared; I was ready.
Within the handful of pills I swallowed down and begging for it to be over. Floor filled with blood, vision blurry.
I told her I loved her, but this one wasn't worth saving.
Within five minutes she was holding me, talking me through the fading. Promising me that she won't let go, that she won't leave me.
I puked up the suicide, and laid next to her for hours.
Asking her why she saved me, why she took away my goodbyes.
She kissed me and said it was because I fought my battle and it was time to feel victory.
But that's the thing, she was blind to the fact that this whole time,
through all of this suffering, she was my victory.
She was the one good thing my life held.
The next day, I woke up, in sadness hoping I wouldn't.
How did I survive the hell I put myself through?
Why was I given a second chance?
I cried for hours, till the point I couldn't breath, see, or feel anything.
I went numb.
I blacked out.
I saw the light we we're told about as kids.
I had the panic attack that held my life by a thread.
And as my eyes began to shut,
and I started to let go,
my mother grabbed me.
And in that moment, I never thought hearing
"I'm here, you're okay"
could save my life.
But see she broke her promise.
I haven't seen her since.
And through this all,
losing her hurt more than my own death.
But she's happy, and I guess I'm okay.
Don't take this the wrong way,
I love that you're happy,
But I wish you would have stayed.
Shayna Jul 2014
I don't think there is any possible way to beat the beauty of an eye.
The gloss after a lovely tear waterfall,
for whatever the reason was,
happiness or sadness.
Color is also something that leaves me breathless.
The traits of someones eye could leave you speechless.
Eyes are unique.
In sizes, shapes, color, the way someone looks at you,
or the way you can see the sadness in as small as a glimpse.
I could almost fall in love with someone just for their eyes.
There was this time that I was falling for this girl.
And there was something so beautiful in the sadness
her eyes showed me.
Like she was asking for comfort, for love.
And I couldn't help but give it all to her.
She is the reason I realized the hope and passion
an eye beholds.
I think eyes should get more appreciation.
We need to be more thankful for the
small simple things life blesses us with.
Shayna Aug 2013
If I tell you my secrets
Will you keep them hidden
or will you tell them to the hungry society waiting for me to ***** up.
If I let myself fall in love with you
Will you treat me sweetly or will you take me for granted.
If I show you my scars
Will you be understanding
or will you use them against me
If I fight for you
Will you make it all worth it
or will you make me regret every thing
If I miss you*
Will you miss me too or be to
occupied by the other girls waiting
in line for you.
Shayna Dec 2013
I stay up late each night,
staring into the darkness of my room.
I get ****** into the endless thoughts my mind holds captive.
Have you ever thought about how hard it must be for our brains to hold as many thoughts, feelings, and information as it does?
It's beyond me, that smoke hasn't come from my ears yet,
from the burning of my mind racing back and forth.
It's like an exercise. but for the mind.
If you were to put a brush in my hand and a canvas in my lap and told me to draw my heart,
I'd have a painting of my worst nightmare,
losing myself in the process of losing you.
You wouldn't be able to make out what you see unless I were to tell you.
And I guess that's why I don't get too deep into my thoughts and feelings. Because how I'm I supposed to explain to you my mind,
when I can't even comprehend it myself?
Shayna Dec 2013
You are like a polaroid picture that I want to hang on my mirror,
so that I can look at you, each morning as I get ready.
You are like a sunflower in a garden of roses.
But I refuse to pick you, because I will not let you die.
You are like the first dive into the pool on the first day of summer.
Or the butterflies I felt from my first kiss.
I want to remember every little detail for your beautiful, sweet soul.
You make me want to be alive, you make me want to breathe.
I want you to see what I see, when I look into your eyes.
I want you to know what it feels like to be in love with someone like you.
I want you to capture your beauty.
Shayna Dec 2013
It used to scare the living hell out of me.
Beyond any comprehension.
But my heart is an adrenaline ****** and my minds a dare devil.
I like the mystery of not knowing.
Not knowing who I could possibly wake up one day and fall in love with.
I think I've mentally worked on myself so much,
that I think I'll be able to handle my next heart break.
Although I haven't stopped loving the one I am in love with,
and probably never will, I'm okay
with letting myself fall in love with someone new.
It's a scary thought that I could actually love someone the way I loved you, but I'm excited to have the feeling of uncertainty.
You never know what can happen,
and to me, that is an adventure everyone should take.
Even pain feels good when it comes from love.
Shayna Jun 2014
Depression is like a bad habit.
You don't want to be a slave to it,
But its something you have to spend time on to get rid of
A habit is an addiction;
An obsession you can't help but crave
Depression is a safe house
Its the only thing that will always be Constant; never abandon you
And that's a relieving feeling
Happiness has never stayed long
Enough to fall in love with me,
But maybe I don't want it to
If happiness is only temporary,
I'd rather befriend my sadness,
Because at least then I know it can't leave me.
Shayna Jun 2014
This thing, so called "love," brings out the best and the worst of us.
Blindly obsessing over something we know so little of,
we die desperately trying to find it.
But that's where were at fault; it is not something you can find.
It is something you have to patiently be blessed with.
But who are we kidding, love will make you do unspeakable things,
and no one is that patient.
Shayna Jun 2014
Knives slicing the back of my throat.
Can't swallow the thinnest air.
Face red, dripping sweat, forgetting to breathe.
Vision blurry, voices tuned out.
I feel as if I'm going to pass out.
Face burning, knowing it's slowly but surely becoming brighter.
Nervously, I look down. Hiding my face.
Mentally chocking myself, yet screaming to breathe.
My stomach drops, my heart beats faster, I am a complete disaster.
Anxiety is nothing but a monster.
Shayna Jul 2014
You promised me you'd never leave,
and now I'm laying here,
wondering what it is I did to make me no longer worth your time.
You cannot tell someone you love them and walk away with the excuse "I didn't mean it like that" but yet you did.
You were scared to love, I get it, so was I.
But I let you love me, I let myself love you,
I let you teach me to love myself.
How dare you look me in the eyes and promise I won't have to go through this alone. I helped you.
I spent all my time trying to heal you that I abandoned loving myself.
And when I no longer had anything else to give, you left.
You broke the one promise I needed to keep me together.
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