in the varied range of emotions I've felt,
despair, hopelessness, loss, hope, nothing at all
I wake up again uncertain, tired
after a high of optimism the night before
almost convincing me things were okay
if they even should be; I don't know
in an hour I may feel different
a different flavor of uncertainty
until I see you again

I sit, mug in hand, at my computer
wrapped in a blanket, in my mom's pajamas
The snow is falling outside the window
and my cat jumps up onto the desk
seating herself sensibly, confidently
she looks out the window, to the world
an unspoken promise
"I'll keep you safe, too."

"everything blue reminds me of you.
Do you know how much on earth is blue?"
I recall this as one of your first confessions
of love to me
I wonder if it still stands
if your heart aches
when you see a primary color,
does it remind you of me

I know I should be proud, of myself, my progress
though there isn't much I feel good about now
finally able to open up again, to try
after two years, maybe more, four even
it's difficult for me, a territory to frequent
but it get harder every time
Further away, longer recovery, harder and harder
to try again later, let someone in.
I'm waiting for the finale with bated breath
giving up is soon, inevitable, closing in quickly
I just won't know when

they used to think it was water
Mare Tranquillitatis, Sea of Tranquility
you can see it from earth, by telescope
once thought to be an ocean
later found to be flat
bluish tint that meant nothing
intrigue from a distance
nothing to see close up

I'm not sure if it's braver
to stay
or to go
I'm afraid either way
and I just don't know
luckily I don't have to decide
tonight

to be loved by you
is to be noticed, cared for
to feel warm and secure
laughing endlessly
little sly smirks and soft caresses
the way you look at me
I will never forget what it was like
to have been loved by you