I inhale absence
I'm slowly dying from all the nothing I inhale
The lack of your hand in mine, it's killing me
I lie in fetal helplessness
Caving in on myself, becoming smaller
Becoming absence

I know I’ll get in trouble
For drawing on the wall,
But this crayon-marker masterpiece
Is my greatest work of all.

If I put my thoughts on paper
For some temporary praise,
They’ll be stuck up on the fridge
And then be gone in several days.

But walls are a sturdy canvas
To scrawl my fervent feelings.
As I sketch and stretch and scribble,
One day, I’ll reach the ceilings.

I have made myself a box.
You can try and find the key,
But I won’t let you open me.
I am safe behind the locks.

I have made myself a stone.
You will never make me break,
No matter what offense I take.
I am strongest on my own.

I have made myself a knife.
If you want my heart, take heed,
Push too hard and you will bleed.
I am fighting for my life.

Tender lover,
Send my friendly vitriol to the devils in you,
As they often possess your fists and bid me welcome.
Your love, and I am tenderized.

I will savor the kiss between your teeth.

What is a bird without its wings? What is a fish without its fins?
What is a road without a destination? What is a shore without an ocean?

I look at the sun and wonder how it gives and takes all at once with each rise, with each set

I look at the moon and wonder how it pushes and pulls all at once with each wane, with each wax

I feel my tears and cannot believe that they pour out at both the greatest despair and the greatest joy

I feel the beat of my heart and cannot believe that it continues to pound with both the deepest pain and deepest peace

It is you that makes me question so, you with eyes that shine and look into mine
Do you know how very happy you make me? Do you know how very mournful you make me?

A false hope will give me a reason to live and a reason to die

A touch of the hand will break me into infinite pieces and make me whole again

Can a bird still fly without its wings? Can a fish still swim without its fins?
Can a road still take me home if it is lost? Can a shore still wash me away if it meets no ocean?

It is the absence of you that makes me question so, the absence of you that weighs heavily upon my chest
Do you know how very relieved I feel when I’m alone? Do you know how very afraid I feel when I’m alone?

I have learned that love and hate may exist simultaneously
I have learned that fondness and spite may be directed at the exact same element

I hate you, but I love you

Do you know?

I buy Advil for the pain.
A disembodied ache,
Persistent and unyielding.
Something’s clawing at the inside of my mind
Or something’s trying to break in.

I buy a toy car.

I buy Pepto-Bismol for the anxiety.
A squirming in the pit of my stomach,
Sweating and pounding.
With this vibrant hue of pink
I crave the washing away of panic.

I buy a sparkly pen.

I buy Melatonin for the insomnia.
A stubborn wakefulness,
Leaving me alone with the dark.
I have a simple desire to end consciousness
With a bitter swallow.

I buy a teddy bear.

I buy caffeine pills for the exhaustion.
For the long hours of the day
When I’m too tired to breathe.
I choke on concentrated motivation
To provide some lost enthusiasm.

I buy a pack of gum.

I stand at the counter to fill my self-prescribed medication
But, of course, I spent my paycheck on all of this last week
So I go home without anything at all
Just like last week

How many times do I have to say “I’m sorry”
Before you stop looking at me like that?
I ask you if you’re even listening to me
While you pick at something on your placemat.

You couldn’t be bothered to ask about my day,
Never mind that I don’t ask about yours.
I’ll lose my nerve and twist your words in every way
Before I try to settle all our scores.

I hope to break the painful silence by saying,
“We shouldn’t let this dinner go to waste.”
You look away, like you don’t plan on staying,
And it fills my mouth with a lonely taste.

An ocean rolls before me
Yet I wish not to swim.
A sky hangs above; infinity
I cannot raise a limb.

What have I then?
A sandy glen,
And the shadow of a whim.

I can’t help but think it sad
That I can’t remember why you left
Only that you were leaving me
But maybe that’s not true
Because I know reality is tiring
I just want to fall back asleep

Last night I dreamt of you
And it wasn’t you, so I was happy
Because I can’t look at you without my eyes closed
Otherwise I would see a harsh truth
Honestly I should be sick of missing you
But it’s my favorite pastime

I peel off my fingernails;
I pick off my toes.
I pluck out each eyeball;
I snap off my nose.

I unhinge my elbows;
I dig out each lung.
I let spill my intestines;
I bite out my tongue.

I rip off each eyebrow;
I twist off my hips.
I yank out each canine;
I pull off my lips.

I squeeze out my liver;
I break off my chin.
I tear off my ears;
I slip out of my skin.

One by one go my limbs
And organs and parts;
They were used but not loved,
So I take them apart.

After my body is gone,
And disposed of somewhere

Leaving no dreams, worries, memories,
Nor a voice in the air

Will someone
Please tell me
If something’s still there.

There is something altogether old and altogether new,
About how it is so uniquely shaped and worn by you.
Though it’s a very simple act,
I am astonished by the fact,
Nothing fits your left foot quite like your left shoe.

It is you,
Your impossible being,
With every glance and every step and every touch.
It is you,
That makes me glitter.

A simple phrase,
And suddenly I am blooming with a thousand glowing dew drops.

A brushing of fingers,
Brings into fruition several sparkling stars within my body.

A delicate kiss,
Sending me into burning fireworks of passionate sensibility.

With casual obliviousness combined with genuine affection,
The bane of my fragile soul,
I become a shimmering image.

It is you,
A boy of naivety and a man of world-weariness,
With eyes like skies and lips like home.
It is you,
That makes me shine.