the thing about it
about pain
is that it is most important
romantic even
Without it, it feels as though something is missing
And with it, it at least feels like something

if by senior year of high school
you are tired of your life
make mountains out of mole hills
cut ties with your best friend
because your ex nothing
kissed her on new years
blame them both
don't speak until a year later
tell him you made him
he would be nothing without you
fall for your friends
because you know it will never work
be needy
go to prom by yourself
pretend to rock it
then cry in your grandmas minivan before you leave
burn bridges with your friend group
for no good reason
other than
by senior year you are tired with your life
choose your college entirely on a guy
make sure he is boring
mediocre
and smells of trouble and mental illness
spend all summer trying to make him less boring
convince yourself he is perfect
move twelve hours away
because you don't want to know anyone
hate your roommate
but don't ever give her a chance
get way too comfortable with the boring boy
feel superior
because you're smarter
and you've partied more
steal adderall from the party
because that makes you look cool
give him all of you
mind and body
by that I mean
english papers and shower ***
ignore the signs that he's lost interest
force yourself on him anyway
cry to your friends back home when you're drunk
cry because you are twelve hours away
drink because you are twelve hours away
smoke to stop crying
smoke to stop drinking
don't eat anything
always take the stairs
walk the long way to class
never stop moving
******* are not enough to force up your self-pity
three fingers makes it a little easier
don't look at yourself in the mirror
you are still not good enough for the boring boy
take the blame when he snitches on you
do not fight for yourself
sleep with him again anyway
tell yourself "there is no sin too great"
this is what you wanted
because by senior year you were tired of your life

What are the odds of finding someone -
who can finish your sentences -
who will let you cut in line -
who knows not to just lend a hand, or an ear when you need them to give you their spine -
who will keep every secret, save every letter, tell you how you really look
who will remember every single one of your birthdays -
without checking Facebook?
What are the odds of finding someone who knows your poetry by heart ?
I will always see you for the alley-oop.
I will always save you a seat.
I will always pick you to be my partner even though you are terrible at handball.
When the fire takes all you have, my home will be your home.
When you are old and can no longer remember my face, I will meet you for the first time again and again.
When they make fun of your accent, I will take you swimming because we all sound the same underwater.
When Ellis Island tries to erase your past, I will call you by your real name.
When they call your number for the draft, I will enlist to fight beside you.
And I will march with you from Selma to Montgomery and back as many times as it takes.
We will stand together against the horses and the dogs -
They could tell you how rare this is.
But they could tell you how rare this always is.
The chances are slim.
The cards are always stacked against you, the odds are always low.
But I have seen the best of you, and the worst of you, and I choose both.
I want to share every single one of your sunshines and save some for later.
I will tuck them into my pockets so I can give them back to you when the rains fall hard.
Love-
I want to be the mirror that reminds you to love yourself.
I want to be air in your lungs that reminds you to breathe easy.
When the walls come down -
when the thunder rumbles -
when nobody else is home, hold my hand -
and I promise -
I won't let go.

I have so much love to give and if I were given the chance I would love you radically, I would let you feel everything so loudly it would radiate off your insides and it would move tectonic plates in California it would move mountains in Colorado it would be life changing, mind altering, it would be everything and nothing all at once
I have so much love bubbling up inside me I think the butterflies are starting to attack each other I think they are frustrated that I won't let them free but I'm afraid they won't come back if I do
I have so much to give and so much to tell you
I want you to know you belong with the wildflowers baby, but I will pick you for myself. I will wear you in my hair until all your petals fall off and fly into the wind I will mourn the loss and always keep the stem as a reminder that beauty is in your roots
I think you make it easier to laugh that belly laugh from the ground up the laugh I feel in my toes and in the ends of my hair you make things easy
You make things so easy baby suburbia might be enough
I might want to walk these streets forever I might want to be grey with you
But we could never be grey not you and me not us no never
We are already bright on our own and that's what makes us technicolored that's what makes us loud
I always liked things loud and you came screaming and wailing you came with an amp attached to your love you were so loud baby but you never made me quiet our sound never clashed it harmonized
You are my harmony
You are my mantra
My peace
My mine mine mine
I will love you down
I will love you loudly
It will be brash
It may hurt
But I will be gentle in the biggest way possible
Because love is a verb
And it's been a noun in my mouth for far too long

I saved myself a long time ago
from the demons that lived inside
they come around every now and again
but they see the fight in my eyes
I never prayed for a prince to come
and wisk me off my feet
come to my rescue
I am no damsel in distress
I'm the one who will defeat the evil things lurking
My fairytale has long since changed
since the first time I saw the pretty princesses
I do not want a knight in shining armor
but rather a partner in crime

Seven year old Meghan boasted after school
that she already knew who she was to marry --
His name was Jack
and she had cold, hard facts
to back up her theory
on why he would be her perfect husband
"He's not crazy and we both like legos"

Fair enough.

if only we never grew out of our old toys,
never stopped building and re-building what got torn down
brick by brick
maybe then I'd still be hiding in the closet
kissing eddie martin with the lights off

But neither of us like legos anymore
and I guess we're both slightly crazy

Meghan will learn soon enough
that after a while you will step on too many legos
and you will have had enough

when your first "boyfriend" breaks up with you
put down the can of frosting
forget the melodramatics
don't buy the jesse mccartney ringtone
skip to the part where you make out with your best friends neighbor
trust me
when your next boyfriend cheats on you
put down the razor
where did you even learn that?
don't take him back
it doesn't matter that "you gave him everything"
you will have given everyone after him everything as well
When your first high school boy doesn't love you back
move on
or you will forever be the crazy girl
he may be charming and have a mesmerizing smile
but you will do dispiciple things along the way to have him
those stolen moments
will not be worth the awkward moment(s) with his girlfriend(s)
When your second high school boy doesn't love you back either
wait it out
it will happen,
on multiple occasions
but know when to move on
because waiting gets old
When you fall for your **** buddy
don't decide to make that your "slutty year"
because one year is a long time in high school
hide away in your dark room
watch charlie st. cloud on repeat
when your friends try to cheer you up-let them
the feelings will go away, but he will not
so know when to say no
but you can say yes, too
however, don't abandon real people for fake intimacy
When you fall for your friend
don't ******* tell anyone
you know it will never happen, ever
stop trying
for the love of God, stop trying
And When you think you've found what you've been looking for
turn around
go back up north
it was all a trap
*trust me

I had did it again,
made someone else my gravity
But that was before I realized
I never needed someone holding me down
Just someone to help me fly

The selfish part of me
Wants to be the one
To save you
But I know
That's not the way
I can't light up all your shadows
Because sometimes
Darkness traps me too

I will destroy you in the most beautiful way possible and when I'm done with you. You will finally understand why storms are named after people.

What's most frightening
Is I adore you most
With your hands around my neck

I contemplated
if being a second choice
was better than none
but I couldn't stand the thought
of being an option
because that meant I was
dispensable
and I didn't want to be
just another star,
you know?

I wanted to shine
I wanted to be the entire galaxy
while I was just another
twinkling star
that would be gone
by tomorrow night

You were the only one who was ever real
I couldn't wrap my head around it quite as well as I could wrap myself around you
But it's all close enough
Have you ever lost something real?
I'm not quite sure how this will feel
Because even the fake ones hurt sometimes
Even the fakest ones can leave you wrapped in a dark cloud with no silver lining visible
I wonder what your real storm will bring
When you finally decide to destroy me in your path
A full on massacre of sorts
I'm sure
I'm sure the pain will be just as real as you were
As this was
Is
I'm sure

I always thought I had thick skin
But then You touched my body
And I realized how much I wanted
To melt into Your hands
And live within the grooves
Of Your fingerprints
So I could be a part of anything
Beautiful or disastrous
That You felt

i know i should leave you be

keep you wanting more

play hard to get

but i was never good at childhood games

you can catch me so easily

and yet you'll still always be it

Inspiration comes only after three glasses of wine or a 12 hour bus ride north 
Some things never change. 
What happens when wine runs out or when people stop breaking my heart
It's bitter sweet to think this will all stop 
The catharsis 
I'm home within my pain because I'm home within my ink 
I suppose I've done it before in times of desperation
Ripping out my own heart, picking my own good grapes
Stomping on them both as equals 
As nothing but something to choke down and spit back up onto paper 
After all, the sun can only shine for so long until we all start dancing for rain 
You and I both know we do it for the rainbows and the clouds

***** tastes better than the thought of you and her

you are still far too
close for comfort
even though you are states away
8 hours
and 500 miles
between us
is not enough space
i can still feel
the magnetizing force
that brought us together in the first place
I have taken out every piercing
made sure every hole has closed up
my jewelry has not since been worn
and yet the pull
of you
gets more intense
with every step I take farther away

Because life is hard, baby
And if you get it all down in writing
You'll never forget the lessons learned

His hurricane heart.

His desert lungs.

His adam’s apple

and then all the sudden you’re

falling from paradise.
He is Chicago in a picture frame
instead of outside your window.

He is the part of the song you skip
because it hurts too much.

The best dream you have is of

him leaving

because then you get

to miss him like it just happened.
Your regret.
Your favorite mistake.

If you put it in poem,
then no one can use it against you.
Your red dress

and no one to dance with.

Your moth-wing hands,

always looking for the light.
If you put it in a poem,
then everyone can use it against you.
It’s not always easy being the 
one who stays.

There are certain people you will meet that make butterflies seem like land mines exploding
They see the sky in a different shade of blue
They shine bright enough that even though you can't see the stars in the city you will always be looking up
Some people
Some people would rather sit behind drum sets than office desks
They play ball games and guitars and they make you want to win at something
They keep you rooting for the underdog
They keep you rooting at all
They remind you that beauty is in your roots
and no matter how strong the wind is
and no matter where your petals may fly
and no matter if he loves you or loves you not
It is always more important to love yourself, first
To believe in the beauty of the magic running through your veins
and that the sparkle behind your eye is not just a mirror trick
It's the passion that changes how you see
It's why you believe that creation and evolution are exactly the same thing
Because building is creating and we cannot all be artists and architects but we all can grow
Some people make you want to shrink and become small again
to cower behind the trees that will never ever falter
But some people make you want to climb the highest mountain in the world and scream
"I MADE IT I AM HERE AND I WILL NEVER LEAVE"
Do not ever leave
even if you never make it
because here is where you are supposed to be
even if you can't see it that way
Even if the sun is blinding your eyes
Or there are no stars in the dark sky
Some people can be the light to guide your path
and you will never be scared of the dark again
you will never need another pair of sunglasses
My loves, even if you do not think you shine
If you look hard enough you will feel the sparks in your bones and you will have to make it your own shade of fire
you will burn this city down
you are a star that will not burn out

you would think
maybe once
you would break your back
for me
because I
already
paralyzed myself for you

I will always pick you,
to be my partner
I will save your place in line
despite the angry people behind me
I will laugh with you on your worst days
I will laugh with you because I know it means you're sad
I will laugh with you because I will feel awkward too
I have saved up all the gold coins you have given out
the ones you hold in your otherwise empty pockets
the ones you give out when someone really needs it
they are hard to find,
most often they've come in the form of a rumor
that saved me from hating someone
because you knew I could never hate you
they've come in the form of always choosing me
when it came down to it
they've come in the form of the hard truth
even when I didn't want to hear it
I will always pick you,
to be my partner
I will always have a spare bedroom for your one day son
just like you always had a couch in the basement for me
If only, there were soundtracks of our late night conversations
about politics
and exotic biology
we might finally win something together
I will always pick you,
to be my partner
because I have seen the best of you
and I have seen the worst of you
and I choose both
I will always pick you,
to be my partner
mostly because
I am afraid of the dark
but you hold fireflies in your chest
for the days that the sun just won't come up
I will always pick you,
to be my partner
always

In the years to come,
you will learn you weren't a part of the five year plan
beautiful you, left me with a random roommate
but you were the farthest thing from random
my first witnessed miracle
know this,
you may have been an accident
but you were never a mistake
You may not see it that way,
so in simpler terms
You are the most gorgeous train wreck I have ever been stunned to see
You are an unpredicted storm that cleans your car the day before you were planning to get it washed
You are the pillowy sand after the tide has been swept away
You are the stomach flu that saves you from the test you didn't study for
You made everything out of nothing
with your first 2 am diaper change
came meaning
April 10th is always a beautiful day to be born
I thought so
Even when I thought I was the tragedy,
I knew this day would be the days stars are born

tomorrow is not promised

only predicted

but do not blame the weather man

if it is not 75 and breezy

hurricanes come along

so always carry an umbrella

but don't always walk around with it open

or else you'll never meet the sun

If I had to read one of these
Terrible things
That expell the thoughts in my head
I wouldn't know what to read
For the only words I care about are the
Ones that mention you
But you are not worth the publicity

There are things that I don't usually tell people
things like I wish I could remember my fathers voice
or that sleeping alone is the most daunting thing I face in darkness
I don't tell people that I pray for them at night
or while I'm on the subway
or walking home from work
I don't tell people that they brighten my day
or that they make it a little easier to breathe
but i know I should
There are things I keep to myself
like that i discovered the fine line where being independent becomes being lonely
I don't tell people I still think of you so many months later
and I don't tell people that you haunt my dreams even though i've only known you for a week
I don't remind my friends that I do love them
I don't tell the boy on the corner that his smile makes my cheeks hot
i don't
instead
I say things like :
I want to *******(i want to be close to you)
I'm fine(its hard to get out of bed today)
I love working so much(i wish other people still took care of me)
There are things I don't usually tell people
I don't explain the scars when they see
I let them fill in the blanks themselves

the day i see you again
i imagine it would happen something like
me hitting you
repeatedly
with a blunt object
or a car
and breaking down next you
holding wounded you
like i wish you did for me
the day i see you again
you won't see me coming

maybe I like being broken
numb and fine are the same thing
I'm just permanently tired

happiness is exhausting
always having to display it
smiling

I am told I have sad eyes
dead give away
that I'm a liar

but maybe I like being broken
and numb and fine are the same thing
I'm just permanently tired
     she said as she smiled the brightest of smiles with the saddest of eyes

I have never been good at true or false questions
Mostly because I like to see the good in everything
I learned that from a bird
the most free bird
with the longest wings
and the brightest feathers
she made me realize the good in falling
is that at least you get to fly

the boys of summer were vast and many
they were long distance and down the road
they were temporary as they always are
but permanent in their scars
the one on my leg and the ones in my heart
none were deep just little scrapes
barely drawing blood
the boys of summer don’t bring pain
just stinging when they’re gone

I lost my mind
So I could find
My soul

the boys of the mid-west
are kind
easy to love
don't get me wrong
they will hurt you
but they will apologize
and mean it
they will hurt for you
the boys of the north east
are strong
easy to love
easy to look at
they will win your heart
like a trophy
then go after the next
prize
but atlest you were an award
the boys of the south
are cruel
easy to love
with their southern
charm
hospitality
they think that makes them special, ya know
they think that gives them the right
to think of themselves as a
prize
to hurt you
and feel nothing
but accomplishment
but thats what southern hospitality is all about

I have long since washed
North Carolina
from my pores

you've
finally
snuck
your
way
under
my
skin
I can feel just how badly this will go

Suddenly,
all the love songs
on the radio
were about him
and then
just as suddenly,
the radio
stopped playing
all those songs
replaced them
with heartbroken ballads
and yet,
they were still about him
he always had to be the center of attention

He says that he is broken
That he is Empty
He must not realize
That the moon
Does not have to be full
For it to be loved

it has been four months
one week
one day
and five and half hours
since the last time
I saw you
I hugged you good bye
you tugged gently at my bright blue sweatshirt
I imagined that to be your plea for me to stay
You said "I'll talk to you"
I held back tears
as I climbed into a car filled with unapproving stares
I spent twelve hours on a bus
thinking that what went wrong was
disastrous
but that what went right was
magical
I spent the next
four months
one week
one day
and five and a half hours
trying not to.

I feel like I'm trying to keep it together
for everyone except myself
and I'm eventually going to
explode
or implode
but it still wouldn't matter
because I would be the only one
willing to pick up the pieces
glue myself back together
and clean up the damage
and everyone else's while I'm at it
I was built strong
a sturdy cornerstone
and people need me
they just don't assume I need them too

i wish we started differently
and ended just the same

pull me down if you want, I hope you do

I can't sleep. I can't stop thinking of you. You make me so happy.

I understand the nights
neither happy nor sad
those nights scare most
neither light nor darkness surrounds
and the emptiness is the scariest of all

He whispered "come as you are"
While the rest chanted,
" C o n f o r m "

I know that my hands are far too small to catch all the pain I would like to heal
But can't I try?
These hands are small and soft
But they are strong and have lifted up people before
They are unwavering in the coldest months
Maybe if I stretch my fingers wide enough I will be able to hold your pain
And even if I am not strong enough
I will hold you by my pinky
Like a promise
I will not let you slip
I will not let you slip
I promise
I pinky promise
I will not let you slip

reminders for tomorrow:
wash my hair
don't eat ******
don't be ******
smile at the stranger
slow down
be better than today
do a facemask
call the financial aid department
apply for a credit card
look at clothes you can't afford
buy something you can't afford
go to the gym
or don't
but cancel your membership
go to yoga
look up what namaste means
don't be ******
email people your new phone number
make friends
smile with more than just your mouth
wear something comfy
relax
take patrick and leo to golf
patience is key
let them look out the window
be on time
hug leo when he cries
hug myself when I cry
don't cry
don't be ******

it's ironic
how I look at you
hoping, for you to look back at me

but when you do
I look away
because I don't want you to
see how much I crave you

i stripped myself down
i stood there naked and cold
you looked at me and smiled
but then you turned around

learn
   to
     forgive
      





















y o u r s e l f,
      First