I never say things forthright
I can't help but speak in metaphors
There are things I don't usually tell people
But I always say them
You will never hear I love you, just :
are you wearing your seatbelt?
be careful tonight
sweet dreams
have the best day
don't do that
please don't do that
it's not worth it
I wish you were here
You will never hear I like you, just:
what's your favorite color?
I look forward to talking to you
What did you do today?
I hope you have fun
I like you....r face
I wish you were here

I once told a lie
I once told a boy he was

darling darling
you are not what you seemed
a gentle whisper in the wind
turned into a blood curdling scream

I've never had the audacity to wait for a heart
But I imagine your silence was actually you asking me to sleep on it
So I curled up on your chest and learned patience
I didn't want to let the weight of my tears wake your gorgeous face
But, it's just the mornings, they can be so mortal
And you and I often are a bad dream
I imagine we have the same nightmares
I imagine catching you mid scream on a winter night
I swore then that I would kiss the fright from your voice If only you would let me, but that is your choice
If anyone should ever ask, I would say you are a wealth of Sundays
There is honesty in your touch
from the naval up, I have sailed your spine straight as a whistle
marveled at the industry of your mind
Do not blush
Do not look away
hold my gaze

He said he would hold my hand until I let go
He is willing to let go

Hold my gaze
Do not look away
I am not letting go

Just yet

you are
much too
impor-
tant to
me far
too soon

it's your own fault boy
you fell for (or didn't fall for) a writer
a poet, at that
and what you have done
and said
or have not done
and didn't quite say
will not just be ink stains on a single page in our book of life
but rather tattooed pages
of war stories and statistics for others to learn and compare
silly boy,
you fell for a poet
and now you're permanent
memorization becomes easier if you write it down
this is true of spelling words
history facts
and every dagger to the heart

I will remember the kisses
soft and quick
like a habit you couldn't break
and how I thought you showed me
your truest self
and how I offered you
everything I had
and I will remember your much bigger room
and your bed that seemed to magically grow to fit us both
the feel of you next to me
the light through your blinds
the draft from your vent
your neighbors music
your sounds
our morning routines
our always late nights
how our bodies fit together
and how I imagine they still would
your always warm feet
mine always cold
your ever shaking hands
mine held steady
your smile
and the sparkling eyes
of you
who made me
laugh,
smile,
hurt,
cry,
feel
again.

It is so hard to live the angered life that an artist should
When you are surrounded by such bright lights
And the city is filled with angels
They don't have eyes
They can't see the pain
You've wished yourself blind
And bought a dark pair of sunglasses
It's easier that way

I no longer wake up in the morning longing for your touch
or wishing I could see the tired look in your eyes
as we rush to a class we don't care about
I don't search your stupid youtube videos anymore when I am lonely
When I am lonely
I often have to remind myself it is better to be alone
I unfollowed you on instagram
but I still keep tabs on your pictures
not because I miss you
but because I often have to remind myself where this bitterness comes from
why my chest is ice cold
why I am angry at geography
why
I no longer dream of you every third night
but you flutter on the inside of my eyelids
before I fade into darkness
I no longer dream of you every third night
because I no longer dream
There is only darkness
until I awake
where I do not even wish for light
because then I would see what I am missing when my day begins

no one has ever seen me like this before
actually seen me
not just looking
and just thinking
you see me
like i can only barely see myself
you know
and i see you
and I'm no longer afraid

The first boy to break me was irish
the second, jewish
the third had blonde hair and a perfect smile
the fourth hurt especially because of his innocent eyes and pure mind
the fifth is still my friend
the most recent is breaking me madly, people say he looks like my brother
maybe that's why he beat me with a smile, and laughed like it was joke

I wonder what you hold in the pockets of your jeans
the ones you won't throw out
because of the
"maybe one day"
or
"just in case"
I wonder if you slip those jeans on
in the dead of night
remembering what you hold so dearly
so dearly
you wont get rid of
but wont show
I wonder, I wonder, I do

Today was the windiest day
of all the days
street lights swung hard
like children trying to get high enough to touch the clouds
skirts flew up
hair was pointed in every direction
I usually hate the wind
I have said before that I wish we lived in a world without it
but the cold brisk air kissing my ankles
and ears
were love letters
being delivered from a long ways away
from a city I have longed for
and belonged to
without noticing
I suppose the breeze was so light
until today
I suppose Chicago needed to get my attention
and sweep me north with the wind

I have been through wars
fighting with enemies
that only exist in the perimeters of my mind
I can feel them constantly trying to push their barriers
exceed to the outside
break away from the prison that is my body
I have asked for back-ups
more troops
but they cannot risk more fatalities
so I will fight alone

sweet girl, would you put down the maps
stop planning your escape routes
you were never very good at direction
you were never great at staying
but honey, would you stay this once?
would you please stop leaving
you have too many bags to to be able to bring a suitcase along
and i don't want you to draw cold

I was always taught not to feel so bad
that bad things happen to bad people too
I learned not to feel sorry for myself
because everyone else already did
I realized everyone hurts, everyone feels the pain
not everyone suffers
This is how I learned to feel
everything
loudly
in my finger tips
and my toes
the ends of my hair
the tip of my nose
I feel everything as if it were a massive earthquake
even though it was just a paper cut
I can't tell if this is a blessing or a curse

I can quite truthfully say
I don't miss you
any longer
That's not to say
you never cross my mind
little things still remind
me of you
but that's all you are now
a connected thought
that will pass
with a glance
in a different direction
and I am so glad

I'm scared of losing everything that comes along with you

Darling,
        

                                 (what
                                makes
                          ­      you
                                 think)
you're
w o r t h
all



my
time                        (?)

He says he is worthless
broken
empty
alone

yet, I can only see that he is worth all the stars in the sky
and isn't that a wonderful thing
people look up at you
and even in the darkest moment
it's the glimmer in your eye
that makes the nights
not so long

I look at you and see all the ways a soul can bruise,
and I wish I could sink my hands into your flesh
and light lanterns along your spine
so you know there's nothing but light
when I see you

The risk I took on you was
calculated
but man,
am I bad at math

exhaustion has set in
taken over
every part of my being is tired
and dragging around enough baggage to get me through a lifetime
is starting to have its effects
i never thought each step would be so daunting
i see everyone around me able
to drop their bags at the front door
and run freely
without weight
i am forever strapped with resistance bands
making each step harder
and all the more worth it

i keep trying to tell myself
that i don't need you
and you were wrong
im stronger
please god say I'm stronger
than this

Suddenly,
there was a spark of hope
But with my luck
It will burn me alive
I will never light a match again
For fear of the heat
Teach me how the candle wax
Says thank you to the flame
Maybe then,
There will be light again

there is no simple way to say
I wish I could make you as happy
as you make me
but it doesn't seem to be working
all my efforts
to break down that beautiful brick wall
have gone unnoticed
the wall never changes
nothing can get worse
but
nothing
will
get
better

All my eggs
Were in a
Basket of
Red flags

There is no room for anything else
I've tried to fill space with outside things
But the void has pushed them aside
Made sure not to come second to anything
It's gotten hold of my last wit
And I can no longer tell up from down

she used to be so strong
such independence
they'd say
such a shame
what a waste
all that girl
is gone with the wind

I've wanted more minutes in the day, since we met

You
are like a book I read long ago
one I couldn't put down
spent nights reading over and over
The only part I would change is the ending
Now
before I buy a book
I always read the last page

it is the only way I can bring myself
To open the cover

they always ask
"why regret something you once wanted?"
but if I had known
what I know now
I never would have wanted it
in the first place

I used to be afraid of falling
ever since I learned what happens if you don't double knot your laces
I can't remember the sting on my palms
and the scrapes on my knees
they've left scars that I do not feel
Just the idea of hitting the ground
shakes me
shook me
Now, I can hardly wait

For 5 years you fed me
With a silver spoon
At least 3 times a day

I didn’t know how good I had it
Until I was hungry again

When I was 19 with seven dollars to my name
You brought me grilled cheese
And donuts with sprinkles
And other sweet little nothings
For me to digest

You filled my plate
You left space at the table
I was nourished
I was was never full

I was greedy
I wanted every last bite

When I was 24 and full enough
You fed me your dreams
You said eat it up baby
And I did

I swallowed them whole
I felt them slide down my throat
They’ve been sitting at the pit of my stomach ever since

When you swallow bubble gum
It doesn’t leave your gut for years
I still feel the heaviness inside me

The cotton candy artificial flavoring
Bright pink and nostalgic
But really just an accumulation
Of all the parts that had gone to waste
The remnants of a carcass

I still full
Still thankful to have had this meal

When I try to feed you
A returning of all the favors
I crush up my favorite parts of me
Hoping to sit inside you for years to come

But you take the spoon into your mouth  and wince
Your face turns red
I can see you’re not breathing
Not reaching for help either

I try to give you the Hielmlic
To get back what I had given way
Maybe had I presented it better
Red and shiny and sweet
Maybe then we wouldn’t be here
Choking
Empty
Alone

if you should ever be so lucky to experience a heartbreak
you should know the feeling is excruciating
it is two pieces of velcro ripping apart
it is sinking
and shredding
it is screaming at the top of your lungs
and sobbing in the same sentence
it is brutal and you will not come unchanged
you will cry for 100 hours when he leaves you
you will feel reborn every 4 days for the rest of time,
but on the 3rd day it will always be rock bottom
it will always be shaking on the bathroom floor
and voicemails and nausea
youll learn to let the feelings pass

In the event that you don’t leave me
I will always make the bed
I will wash the dishes,
hang the t-shirts,
match the socks
I will throw out my receipts
I will memorize all your freckles
I swear by my ability to remember the lyrics that
I will always give it my all
Which is to say that sometimes I forget the lyrics -
And while, yes, I am chronically lazy
I vow to never waste another moment in your sunshine -
A morning at your side
Or a midnight half asleep retainer kiss
I will save the episode
And the last cookie
I will always be saving your place.
I will celebrate you
I will look at the photo next to my bed
as I have for the last half decade
And say
“thank you
Thank you
I’m sorry
Forgive me
I can do better
Don’t leave “
A mantra

We had been at sea for what felt like decades
In a tiny boat the size of a life raft
we sat for weeks on end in silence
just staring
hoping to see land before insanity
the incessant picking has always been a problem
my thumbs, his downfalls
and now, this boat
almost unconsciously I began to pick at the lining
until tiny little holes started to let water in
I tried to avoid it
sit on the holes
fill them with fabric
I took the shirt off my back to try to save the ship
he looked at me as if to say, good luck with that
instead, he said he had to get to work
he stood up in the boat like getting off the train
and walked straight into the water
I've lost track of how long ago that was
But I'm still here, clinging to what was once mine
to what is drowning me slowly