if you should ever be so lucky to experience a heartbreak
you should know the feeling is excruciating
it is two pieces of velcro ripping apart
it is sinking
and shredding
it is screaming at the top of your lungs
and sobbing in the same sentence
it is brutal and you will not come unchanged
you will cry for 100 hours when he leaves you
you will feel reborn every 4 days for the rest of time,
but on the 3rd day it will always be rock bottom
it will always be shaking on the bathroom floor
and voicemails and nausea
youll learn to let the feelings pass

For 5 years you fed me
With a silver spoon
At least 3 times a day

I didn’t know how good I had it
Until I was hungry again

When I was 19 with seven dollars to my name
You brought me grilled cheese
And donuts with sprinkles
And other sweet little nothings
For me to digest

You filled my plate
You left space at the table
I was nourished
I was was never full

I was greedy
I wanted every last bite

When I was 24 and full enough
You fed me your dreams
You said eat it up baby
And I did

I swallowed them whole
I felt them slide down my throat
They’ve been sitting at the pit of my stomach ever since

When you swallow bubble gum
It doesn’t leave your gut for years
I still feel the heaviness inside me

The cotton candy artificial flavoring
Bright pink and nostalgic
But really just an accumulation
Of all the parts that had gone to waste
The remnants of a carcass

I still full
Still thankful to have had this meal

When I try to feed you
A returning of all the favors
I crush up my favorite parts of me
Hoping to sit inside you for years to come

But you take the spoon into your mouth  and wince
Your face turns red
I can see you’re not breathing
Not reaching for help either

I try to give you the Hielmlic
To get back what I had given way
Maybe had I presented it better
Red and shiny and sweet
Maybe then we wouldn’t be here
Choking
Empty
Alone

We had been at sea for what felt like decades
In a tiny boat the size of a life raft
we sat for weeks on end in silence
just staring
hoping to see land before insanity
the incessant picking has always been a problem
my thumbs, his downfalls
and now, this boat
almost unconsciously I began to pick at the lining
until tiny little holes started to let water in
I tried to avoid it
sit on the holes
fill them with fabric
I took the shirt off my back to try to save the ship
he looked at me as if to say, good luck with that
instead, he said he had to get to work
he stood up in the boat like getting off the train
and walked straight into the water
I've lost track of how long ago that was
But I'm still here, clinging to what was once mine
to what is drowning me slowly

In the event that you don’t leave me
I will always make the bed
I will wash the dishes,
hang the t-shirts,
match the socks
I will throw out my receipts
I will memorize all your freckles
I swear by my ability to remember the lyrics that
I will always give it my all
Which is to say that sometimes I forget the lyrics -
And while, yes, I am chronically lazy
I vow to never waste another moment in your sunshine -
A morning at your side
Or a midnight half asleep retainer kiss
I will save the episode
And the last cookie
I will always be saving your place.
I will celebrate you
I will look at the photo next to my bed
as I have for the last half decade
And say
“thank you
Thank you
I’m sorry
Forgive me
I can do better
Don’t leave “
A mantra

no one has ever seen me like this before
actually seen me
not just looking
and just thinking
you see me
like i can only barely see myself
you know
and i see you
and I'm no longer afraid

i stripped myself down
i stood there naked and cold
you looked at me and smiled
but then you turned around

i keep trying to tell myself
that i don't need you
and you were wrong
im stronger
please god say I'm stronger
than this

i wish we started differently
and ended just the same

I once told a lie
I once told a boy he was

You were the only one who was ever real
I couldn't wrap my head around it quite as well as I could wrap myself around you
But it's all close enough
Have you ever lost something real?
I'm not quite sure how this will feel
Because even the fake ones hurt sometimes
Even the fakest ones can leave you wrapped in a dark cloud with no silver lining visible
I wonder what your real storm will bring
When you finally decide to destroy me in your path
A full on massacre of sorts
I'm sure
I'm sure the pain will be just as real as you were
As this was
Is
I'm sure

***** tastes better than the thought of you and her

I'm scared of losing everything that comes along with you

she used to be so strong
such independence
they'd say
such a shame
what a waste
all that girl
is gone with the wind

darling darling
you are not what you seemed
a gentle whisper in the wind
turned into a blood curdling scream

I contemplated
if being a second choice
was better than none
but I couldn't stand the thought
of being an option
because that meant I was
dispensable
and I didn't want to be
just another star,
you know?

I wanted to shine
I wanted to be the entire galaxy
while I was just another
twinkling star
that would be gone
by tomorrow night

His hurricane heart.

His desert lungs.

His adam’s apple

and then all the sudden you’re

falling from paradise.
He is Chicago in a picture frame
instead of outside your window.

He is the part of the song you skip
because it hurts too much.

The best dream you have is of

him leaving

because then you get

to miss him like it just happened.
Your regret.
Your favorite mistake.

If you put it in poem,
then no one can use it against you.
Your red dress

and no one to dance with.

Your moth-wing hands,

always looking for the light.
If you put it in a poem,
then everyone can use it against you.
It’s not always easy being the 
one who stays.

What are the odds of finding someone -
who can finish your sentences -
who will let you cut in line -
who knows not to just lend a hand, or an ear when you need them to give you their spine -
who will keep every secret, save every letter, tell you how you really look
who will remember every single one of your birthdays -
without checking Facebook?
What are the odds of finding someone who knows your poetry by heart ?
I will always see you for the alley-oop.
I will always save you a seat.
I will always pick you to be my partner even though you are terrible at handball.
When the fire takes all you have, my home will be your home.
When you are old and can no longer remember my face, I will meet you for the first time again and again.
When they make fun of your accent, I will take you swimming because we all sound the same underwater.
When Ellis Island tries to erase your past, I will call you by your real name.
When they call your number for the draft, I will enlist to fight beside you.
And I will march with you from Selma to Montgomery and back as many times as it takes.
We will stand together against the horses and the dogs -
They could tell you how rare this is.
But they could tell you how rare this always is.
The chances are slim.
The cards are always stacked against you, the odds are always low.
But I have seen the best of you, and the worst of you, and I choose both.
I want to share every single one of your sunshines and save some for later.
I will tuck them into my pockets so I can give them back to you when the rains fall hard.
Love-
I want to be the mirror that reminds you to love yourself.
I want to be air in your lungs that reminds you to breathe easy.
When the walls come down -
when the thunder rumbles -
when nobody else is home, hold my hand -
and I promise -
I won't let go.

What's most frightening
Is I adore you most
With your hands around my neck

there is no simple way to say
I wish I could make you as happy
as you make me
but it doesn't seem to be working
all my efforts
to break down that beautiful brick wall
have gone unnoticed
the wall never changes
nothing can get worse
but
nothing
will
get
better

I can't sleep. I can't stop thinking of you. You make me so happy.

I will destroy you in the most beautiful way possible and when I'm done with you. You will finally understand why storms are named after people.

He says he is worthless
broken
empty
alone

yet, I can only see that he is worth all the stars in the sky
and isn't that a wonderful thing
people look up at you
and even in the darkest moment
it's the glimmer in your eye
that makes the nights
not so long

I look at you and see all the ways a soul can bruise,
and I wish I could sink my hands into your flesh
and light lanterns along your spine
so you know there's nothing but light
when I see you

it's ironic
how I look at you
hoping, for you to look back at me

but when you do
I look away
because I don't want you to
see how much I crave you

The risk I took on you was
calculated
but man,
am I bad at math

I've never had the audacity to wait for a heart
But I imagine your silence was actually you asking me to sleep on it
So I curled up on your chest and learned patience
I didn't want to let the weight of my tears wake your gorgeous face
But, it's just the mornings, they can be so mortal
And you and I often are a bad dream
I imagine we have the same nightmares
I imagine catching you mid scream on a winter night
I swore then that I would kiss the fright from your voice If only you would let me, but that is your choice
If anyone should ever ask, I would say you are a wealth of Sundays
There is honesty in your touch
from the naval up, I have sailed your spine straight as a whistle
marveled at the industry of your mind
Do not blush
Do not look away
hold my gaze

He said he would hold my hand until I let go
He is willing to let go

Hold my gaze
Do not look away
I am not letting go

Just yet

There is no room for anything else
I've tried to fill space with outside things
But the void has pushed them aside
Made sure not to come second to anything
It's gotten hold of my last wit
And I can no longer tell up from down

I've wanted more minutes in the day, since we met

pull me down if you want, I hope you do

I saved myself a long time ago
from the demons that lived inside
they come around every now and again
but they see the fight in my eyes
I never prayed for a prince to come
and wisk me off my feet
come to my rescue
I am no damsel in distress
I'm the one who will defeat the evil things lurking
My fairytale has long since changed
since the first time I saw the pretty princesses
I do not want a knight in shining armor
but rather a partner in crime

The selfish part of me
Wants to be the one
To save you
But I know
That's not the way
I can't light up all your shadows
Because sometimes
Darkness traps me too

I know that my hands are far too small to catch all the pain I would like to heal
But can't I try?
These hands are small and soft
But they are strong and have lifted up people before
They are unwavering in the coldest months
Maybe if I stretch my fingers wide enough I will be able to hold your pain
And even if I am not strong enough
I will hold you by my pinky
Like a promise
I will not let you slip
I will not let you slip
I promise
I pinky promise
I will not let you slip

I feel like I'm trying to keep it together
for everyone except myself
and I'm eventually going to
explode
or implode
but it still wouldn't matter
because I would be the only one
willing to pick up the pieces
glue myself back together
and clean up the damage
and everyone else's while I'm at it
I was built strong
a sturdy cornerstone
and people need me
they just don't assume I need them too

I understand the nights
neither happy nor sad
those nights scare most
neither light nor darkness surrounds
and the emptiness is the scariest of all

I always thought I had thick skin
But then You touched my body
And I realized how much I wanted
To melt into Your hands
And live within the grooves
Of Your fingerprints
So I could be a part of anything
Beautiful or disastrous
That You felt

He says that he is broken
That he is Empty
He must not realize
That the moon
Does not have to be full
For it to be loved

All my eggs
Were in a
Basket of
Red flags

I can quite truthfully say
I don't miss you
any longer
That's not to say
you never cross my mind
little things still remind
me of you
but that's all you are now
a connected thought
that will pass
with a glance
in a different direction
and I am so glad

you are
much too
impor-
tant to
me far
too soon

Darling,
        

                                 (what
                                makes
                          ­      you
                                 think)
you're
w o r t h
all



my
time                        (?)

I used to be afraid of falling
ever since I learned what happens if you don't double knot your laces
I can't remember the sting on my palms
and the scrapes on my knees
they've left scars that I do not feel
Just the idea of hitting the ground
shakes me
shook me
Now, I can hardly wait

you've
finally
snuck
your
way
under
my
skin
I can feel just how badly this will go

There are certain people you will meet that make butterflies seem like land mines exploding
They see the sky in a different shade of blue
They shine bright enough that even though you can't see the stars in the city you will always be looking up
Some people
Some people would rather sit behind drum sets than office desks
They play ball games and guitars and they make you want to win at something
They keep you rooting for the underdog
They keep you rooting at all
They remind you that beauty is in your roots
and no matter how strong the wind is
and no matter where your petals may fly
and no matter if he loves you or loves you not
It is always more important to love yourself, first
To believe in the beauty of the magic running through your veins
and that the sparkle behind your eye is not just a mirror trick
It's the passion that changes how you see
It's why you believe that creation and evolution are exactly the same thing
Because building is creating and we cannot all be artists and architects but we all can grow
Some people make you want to shrink and become small again
to cower behind the trees that will never ever falter
But some people make you want to climb the highest mountain in the world and scream
"I MADE IT I AM HERE AND I WILL NEVER LEAVE"
Do not ever leave
even if you never make it
because here is where you are supposed to be
even if you can't see it that way
Even if the sun is blinding your eyes
Or there are no stars in the dark sky
Some people can be the light to guide your path
and you will never be scared of the dark again
you will never need another pair of sunglasses
My loves, even if you do not think you shine
If you look hard enough you will feel the sparks in your bones and you will have to make it your own shade of fire
you will burn this city down
you are a star that will not burn out

It is so hard to live the angered life that an artist should
When you are surrounded by such bright lights
And the city is filled with angels
They don't have eyes
They can't see the pain
You've wished yourself blind
And bought a dark pair of sunglasses
It's easier that way

I lost my mind
So I could find
My soul

I have long since washed
North Carolina
from my pores

sweet girl, would you put down the maps
stop planning your escape routes
you were never very good at direction
you were never great at staying
but honey, would you stay this once?
would you please stop leaving
you have too many bags to to be able to bring a suitcase along
and i don't want you to draw cold

the boys of summer were vast and many
they were long distance and down the road
they were temporary as they always are
but permanent in their scars
the one on my leg and the ones in my heart
none were deep just little scrapes
barely drawing blood
the boys of summer don’t bring pain
just stinging when they’re gone

Inspiration comes only after three glasses of wine or a 12 hour bus ride north 
Some things never change. 
What happens when wine runs out or when people stop breaking my heart
It's bitter sweet to think this will all stop 
The catharsis 
I'm home within my pain because I'm home within my ink 
I suppose I've done it before in times of desperation
Ripping out my own heart, picking my own good grapes
Stomping on them both as equals 
As nothing but something to choke down and spit back up onto paper 
After all, the sun can only shine for so long until we all start dancing for rain 
You and I both know we do it for the rainbows and the clouds