I was always taught not to feel so bad
that bad things happen to bad people too
I learned not to feel sorry for myself
because everyone else already did
I realized everyone hurts, everyone feels the pain
not everyone suffers
This is how I learned to feel
everything
loudly
in my finger tips
and my toes
the ends of my hair
the tip of my nose
I feel everything as if it were a massive earthquake
even though it was just a paper cut
I can't tell if this is a blessing or a curse

I never say things forthright
I can't help but speak in metaphors
There are things I don't usually tell people
But I always say them
You will never hear I love you, just :
are you wearing your seatbelt?
be careful tonight
sweet dreams
have the best day
don't do that
please don't do that
it's not worth it
I wish you were here
You will never hear I like you, just:
what's your favorite color?
I look forward to talking to you
What did you do today?
I hope you have fun
I like you....r face
I wish you were here

i know i should leave you be

keep you wanting more

play hard to get

but i was never good at childhood games

you can catch me so easily

and yet you'll still always be it

I have so much love to give and if I were given the chance I would love you radically, I would let you feel everything so loudly it would radiate off your insides and it would move tectonic plates in California it would move mountains in Colorado it would be life changing, mind altering, it would be everything and nothing all at once
I have so much love bubbling up inside me I think the butterflies are starting to attack each other I think they are frustrated that I won't let them free but I'm afraid they won't come back if I do
I have so much to give and so much to tell you
I want you to know you belong with the wildflowers baby, but I will pick you for myself. I will wear you in my hair until all your petals fall off and fly into the wind I will mourn the loss and always keep the stem as a reminder that beauty is in your roots
I think you make it easier to laugh that belly laugh from the ground up the laugh I feel in my toes and in the ends of my hair you make things easy
You make things so easy baby suburbia might be enough
I might want to walk these streets forever I might want to be grey with you
But we could never be grey not you and me not us no never
We are already bright on our own and that's what makes us technicolored that's what makes us loud
I always liked things loud and you came screaming and wailing you came with an amp attached to your love you were so loud baby but you never made me quiet our sound never clashed it harmonized
You are my harmony
You are my mantra
My peace
My mine mine mine
I will love you down
I will love you loudly
It will be brash
It may hurt
But I will be gentle in the biggest way possible
Because love is a verb
And it's been a noun in my mouth for far too long

There are things that I don't usually tell people
things like I wish I could remember my fathers voice
or that sleeping alone is the most daunting thing I face in darkness
I don't tell people that I pray for them at night
or while I'm on the subway
or walking home from work
I don't tell people that they brighten my day
or that they make it a little easier to breathe
but i know I should
There are things I keep to myself
like that i discovered the fine line where being independent becomes being lonely
I don't tell people I still think of you so many months later
and I don't tell people that you haunt my dreams even though i've only known you for a week
I don't remind my friends that I do love them
I don't tell the boy on the corner that his smile makes my cheeks hot
i don't
instead
I say things like :
I want to *******(i want to be close to you)
I'm fine(its hard to get out of bed today)
I love working so much(i wish other people still took care of me)
There are things I don't usually tell people
I don't explain the scars when they see
I let them fill in the blanks themselves

If I had to read one of these
Terrible things
That expell the thoughts in my head
I wouldn't know what to read
For the only words I care about are the
Ones that mention you
But you are not worth the publicity

Because life is hard, baby
And if you get it all down in writing
You'll never forget the lessons learned

He whispered "come as you are"
While the rest chanted,
" C o n f o r m "

reminders for tomorrow:
wash my hair
don't eat ******
don't be ******
smile at the stranger
slow down
be better than today
do a facemask
call the financial aid department
apply for a credit card
look at clothes you can't afford
buy something you can't afford
go to the gym
or don't
but cancel your membership
go to yoga
look up what namaste means
don't be ******
email people your new phone number
make friends
smile with more than just your mouth
wear something comfy
relax
take patrick and leo to golf
patience is key
let them look out the window
be on time
hug leo when he cries
hug myself when I cry
don't cry
don't be ******

Today was the windiest day
of all the days
street lights swung hard
like children trying to get high enough to touch the clouds
skirts flew up
hair was pointed in every direction
I usually hate the wind
I have said before that I wish we lived in a world without it
but the cold brisk air kissing my ankles
and ears
were love letters
being delivered from a long ways away
from a city I have longed for
and belonged to
without noticing
I suppose the breeze was so light
until today
I suppose Chicago needed to get my attention
and sweep me north with the wind

In the years to come,
you will learn you weren't a part of the five year plan
beautiful you, left me with a random roommate
but you were the farthest thing from random
my first witnessed miracle
know this,
you may have been an accident
but you were never a mistake
You may not see it that way,
so in simpler terms
You are the most gorgeous train wreck I have ever been stunned to see
You are an unpredicted storm that cleans your car the day before you were planning to get it washed
You are the pillowy sand after the tide has been swept away
You are the stomach flu that saves you from the test you didn't study for
You made everything out of nothing
with your first 2 am diaper change
came meaning
April 10th is always a beautiful day to be born
I thought so
Even when I thought I was the tragedy,
I knew this day would be the days stars are born

I no longer wake up in the morning longing for your touch
or wishing I could see the tired look in your eyes
as we rush to a class we don't care about
I don't search your stupid youtube videos anymore when I am lonely
When I am lonely
I often have to remind myself it is better to be alone
I unfollowed you on instagram
but I still keep tabs on your pictures
not because I miss you
but because I often have to remind myself where this bitterness comes from
why my chest is ice cold
why I am angry at geography
why
I no longer dream of you every third night
but you flutter on the inside of my eyelids
before I fade into darkness
I no longer dream of you every third night
because I no longer dream
There is only darkness
until I awake
where I do not even wish for light
because then I would see what I am missing when my day begins

Seven year old Meghan boasted after school
that she already knew who she was to marry --
His name was Jack
and she had cold, hard facts
to back up her theory
on why he would be her perfect husband
"He's not crazy and we both like legos"

Fair enough.

if only we never grew out of our old toys,
never stopped building and re-building what got torn down
brick by brick
maybe then I'd still be hiding in the closet
kissing eddie martin with the lights off

But neither of us like legos anymore
and I guess we're both slightly crazy

Meghan will learn soon enough
that after a while you will step on too many legos
and you will have had enough

it's your own fault boy
you fell for (or didn't fall for) a writer
a poet, at that
and what you have done
and said
or have not done
and didn't quite say
will not just be ink stains on a single page in our book of life
but rather tattooed pages
of war stories and statistics for others to learn and compare
silly boy,
you fell for a poet
and now you're permanent
memorization becomes easier if you write it down
this is true of spelling words
history facts
and every dagger to the heart

tomorrow is not promised

only predicted

but do not blame the weather man

if it is not 75 and breezy

hurricanes come along

so always carry an umbrella

but don't always walk around with it open

or else you'll never meet the sun

when your first "boyfriend" breaks up with you
put down the can of frosting
forget the melodramatics
don't buy the jesse mccartney ringtone
skip to the part where you make out with your best friends neighbor
trust me
when your next boyfriend cheats on you
put down the razor
where did you even learn that?
don't take him back
it doesn't matter that "you gave him everything"
you will have given everyone after him everything as well
When your first high school boy doesn't love you back
move on
or you will forever be the crazy girl
he may be charming and have a mesmerizing smile
but you will do dispiciple things along the way to have him
those stolen moments
will not be worth the awkward moment(s) with his girlfriend(s)
When your second high school boy doesn't love you back either
wait it out
it will happen,
on multiple occasions
but know when to move on
because waiting gets old
When you fall for your **** buddy
don't decide to make that your "slutty year"
because one year is a long time in high school
hide away in your dark room
watch charlie st. cloud on repeat
when your friends try to cheer you up-let them
the feelings will go away, but he will not
so know when to say no
but you can say yes, too
however, don't abandon real people for fake intimacy
When you fall for your friend
don't ******* tell anyone
you know it will never happen, ever
stop trying
for the love of God, stop trying
And When you think you've found what you've been looking for
turn around
go back up north
it was all a trap
*trust me

maybe I like being broken
numb and fine are the same thing
I'm just permanently tired

happiness is exhausting
always having to display it
smiling

I am told I have sad eyes
dead give away
that I'm a liar

but maybe I like being broken
and numb and fine are the same thing
I'm just permanently tired
     she said as she smiled the brightest of smiles with the saddest of eyes

I will always pick you,
to be my partner
I will save your place in line
despite the angry people behind me
I will laugh with you on your worst days
I will laugh with you because I know it means you're sad
I will laugh with you because I will feel awkward too
I have saved up all the gold coins you have given out
the ones you hold in your otherwise empty pockets
the ones you give out when someone really needs it
they are hard to find,
most often they've come in the form of a rumor
that saved me from hating someone
because you knew I could never hate you
they've come in the form of always choosing me
when it came down to it
they've come in the form of the hard truth
even when I didn't want to hear it
I will always pick you,
to be my partner
I will always have a spare bedroom for your one day son
just like you always had a couch in the basement for me
If only, there were soundtracks of our late night conversations
about politics
and exotic biology
we might finally win something together
I will always pick you,
to be my partner
because I have seen the best of you
and I have seen the worst of you
and I choose both
I will always pick you,
to be my partner
mostly because
I am afraid of the dark
but you hold fireflies in your chest
for the days that the sun just won't come up
I will always pick you,
to be my partner
always

if by senior year of high school
you are tired of your life
make mountains out of mole hills
cut ties with your best friend
because your ex nothing
kissed her on new years
blame them both
don't speak until a year later
tell him you made him
he would be nothing without you
fall for your friends
because you know it will never work
be needy
go to prom by yourself
pretend to rock it
then cry in your grandmas minivan before you leave
burn bridges with your friend group
for no good reason
other than
by senior year you are tired with your life
choose your college entirely on a guy
make sure he is boring
mediocre
and smells of trouble and mental illness
spend all summer trying to make him less boring
convince yourself he is perfect
move twelve hours away
because you don't want to know anyone
hate your roommate
but don't ever give her a chance
get way too comfortable with the boring boy
feel superior
because you're smarter
and you've partied more
steal adderall from the party
because that makes you look cool
give him all of you
mind and body
by that I mean
english papers and shower ***
ignore the signs that he's lost interest
force yourself on him anyway
cry to your friends back home when you're drunk
cry because you are twelve hours away
drink because you are twelve hours away
smoke to stop crying
smoke to stop drinking
don't eat anything
always take the stairs
walk the long way to class
never stop moving
******* are not enough to force up your self-pity
three fingers makes it a little easier
don't look at yourself in the mirror
you are still not good enough for the boring boy
take the blame when he snitches on you
do not fight for yourself
sleep with him again anyway
tell yourself "there is no sin too great"
this is what you wanted
because by senior year you were tired of your life

Suddenly,
all the love songs
on the radio
were about him
and then
just as suddenly,
the radio
stopped playing
all those songs
replaced them
with heartbroken ballads
and yet,
they were still about him
he always had to be the center of attention

the boys of the mid-west
are kind
easy to love
don't get me wrong
they will hurt you
but they will apologize
and mean it
they will hurt for you
the boys of the north east
are strong
easy to love
easy to look at
they will win your heart
like a trophy
then go after the next
prize
but atlest you were an award
the boys of the south
are cruel
easy to love
with their southern
charm
hospitality
they think that makes them special, ya know
they think that gives them the right
to think of themselves as a
prize
to hurt you
and feel nothing
but accomplishment
but thats what southern hospitality is all about

you would think
maybe once
you would break your back
for me
because I
already
paralyzed myself for you

Suddenly,
there was a spark of hope
But with my luck
It will burn me alive
I will never light a match again
For fear of the heat
Teach me how the candle wax
Says thank you to the flame
Maybe then,
There will be light again

you are still far too
close for comfort
even though you are states away
8 hours
and 500 miles
between us
is not enough space
i can still feel
the magnetizing force
that brought us together in the first place
I have taken out every piercing
made sure every hole has closed up
my jewelry has not since been worn
and yet the pull
of you
gets more intense
with every step I take farther away

the day i see you again
i imagine it would happen something like
me hitting you
repeatedly
with a blunt object
or a car
and breaking down next you
holding wounded you
like i wish you did for me
the day i see you again
you won't see me coming

learn
   to
     forgive
      





















y o u r s e l f,
      First

they always ask
"why regret something you once wanted?"
but if I had known
what I know now
I never would have wanted it
in the first place

I had did it again,
made someone else my gravity
But that was before I realized
I never needed someone holding me down
Just someone to help me fly

it has been four months
one week
one day
and five and half hours
since the last time
I saw you
I hugged you good bye
you tugged gently at my bright blue sweatshirt
I imagined that to be your plea for me to stay
You said "I'll talk to you"
I held back tears
as I climbed into a car filled with unapproving stares
I spent twelve hours on a bus
thinking that what went wrong was
disastrous
but that what went right was
magical
I spent the next
four months
one week
one day
and five and a half hours
trying not to.

I have been through wars
fighting with enemies
that only exist in the perimeters of my mind
I can feel them constantly trying to push their barriers
exceed to the outside
break away from the prison that is my body
I have asked for back-ups
more troops
but they cannot risk more fatalities
so I will fight alone

I will remember the kisses
soft and quick
like a habit you couldn't break
and how I thought you showed me
your truest self
and how I offered you
everything I had
and I will remember your much bigger room
and your bed that seemed to magically grow to fit us both
the feel of you next to me
the light through your blinds
the draft from your vent
your neighbors music
your sounds
our morning routines
our always late nights
how our bodies fit together
and how I imagine they still would
your always warm feet
mine always cold
your ever shaking hands
mine held steady
your smile
and the sparkling eyes
of you
who made me
laugh,
smile,
hurt,
cry,
feel
again.

I wonder what you hold in the pockets of your jeans
the ones you won't throw out
because of the
"maybe one day"
or
"just in case"
I wonder if you slip those jeans on
in the dead of night
remembering what you hold so dearly
so dearly
you wont get rid of
but wont show
I wonder, I wonder, I do

exhaustion has set in
taken over
every part of my being is tired
and dragging around enough baggage to get me through a lifetime
is starting to have its effects
i never thought each step would be so daunting
i see everyone around me able
to drop their bags at the front door
and run freely
without weight
i am forever strapped with resistance bands
making each step harder
and all the more worth it

the thing about it
about pain
is that it is most important
romantic even
Without it, it feels as though something is missing
And with it, it at least feels like something

You
are like a book I read long ago
one I couldn't put down
spent nights reading over and over
The only part I would change is the ending
Now
before I buy a book
I always read the last page

it is the only way I can bring myself
To open the cover

I have never been good at true or false questions
Mostly because I like to see the good in everything
I learned that from a bird
the most free bird
with the longest wings
and the brightest feathers
she made me realize the good in falling
is that at least you get to fly

The first boy to break me was irish
the second, jewish
the third had blonde hair and a perfect smile
the fourth hurt especially because of his innocent eyes and pure mind
the fifth is still my friend
the most recent is breaking me madly, people say he looks like my brother
maybe that's why he beat me with a smile, and laughed like it was joke