you can teach a man to fish
but you can not teach a fish to man.

I remember when you asked me if I ever really loved you
I told you that I did, but I don't know why I never told you
I never told you that I loved you because your laugh sounded like something no symphony could have compared to
Like you were stealing stars
Picking them out of the sky with your bare hands and hiding them in your stomach
So when you opened your mouth all I could see and feel was light
The scars in your skin reminded me of the moon's craters
Like you had weathered storms and bashings and so many collisions it was a surprise you hadn't crumbled
The result of it was on your flesh but you were still the most beautiful thing I had ever seen
And like the waves created by our satellites gravity, I always fell into yours
You moved and stirred me like the sea
Like I would lose every last piece of me and you'd become the only reason I felt moved by anything
Your eyes had more depth to them than any sinkhole or cave or ocean our planet could ever hold
I'd get lost in the way your pupils were like tunnels, entries to every last part of you that I couldn't run my fingers over and press my lips to but god, did I ******* try
They were like black holes that swallowed me whole and once I was in I was trapped inside of you and I never wanted to leave
I'd stare and stare and wonder how I'd see so much light in all the darkness
I loved you because you had always been the most beautiful concept I could never fully wrap my mind around
I loved you, and I always will to some degree
You became such an all encompassing piece of me

Jolted awake,
Is that banging
in my ears
inside my head,
or out?
It's at the door,
banging so hard
and fast.

I stride through
the darkness
to my sister's room.
A hand on her
shoulder and
her name.
It does not
wake
her.

Panic builds and
the banging,
it's inside and out.
She won't
wake
up, please.

Empty
Nitrous Oxide
and spirit bottles
litter my
sight.
Please, wake
up.
Please, before
our door
caves
in.

I can write about all the ways we miscommunicate
Words and phrases and lack of response
Blank faced with no sense of emotion or displays of affection
Unsure of whatever spectrum we're on
But if we even are on the same one, we're on opposite sides
It's funny how I can bleed out through pen ink but I can't ever seem to annunciate
My words won't translate into how I feel to anyones face and yours is no exception in this case
Barriers I feel terrified to get through
The break downs are rough and like milk you had in the fridge for months
You forgot it was there but when you find it it's spoiled