Entry ~
You were the first man that ever broke my heart. It was the day I was born. You held me in your arms and made me a promise that would rip us both apart. You promised to love me unconditionally from the start. But time passed and over the years those words faded from your heart. In the presence of a war when you had one foot out the door. There are vacancies in my memories where a father should have played a part. Like teaching me to drive a car, or telling me don't believe boys that say I love you from the start. Instead, I looked at every boy with tears in my eyes and willingly accepted every single lie, thinking maybe if I part my thighs they'll learn to love how broken I am inside, but they never do. Just like you they leave without a single clue and I'm left alone, used, wishing my daddy would have loved me too. And I'm not writing this to blame you, or break you, or tell you I hate you. I've made mistakes too. Ones deeply rooted in my relationship with you. And I get that maybe you didn't have a clue that your daughter was struggling in the world without you. But I relied on you to set the standard for boys I would let into my heart. By the time I was sixteen, I felt like a tortured piece of art. I learned to love myself of course. Over the years of ripping myself apart I learned to chart the darkness in my own heart. I don't blame you anymore for my broken parts. I'm healed from being angry at you. I'm writing this to tell you I'm sorry for failing you, and I'm sorry you failed me too.

It seems like you have began to win again.
Silence floods the room;
visions plaque my mind.
Voices speak without sound,
ears hear without listening,
eyes watch without purpose.
The shadows of people loom
around the one I hope to find.
A busted bulb, the sun is defined.
Terror stricken faces that cannot cry.
Suddenly a voice begins to boom:
"Take my arms so that I might reach you."
Oh, so it is you that I've found.
"Hear my words so that I might teach you."
To give into is to lose my thoughts.
To lose my voice.
To lose my life.
Yet I continue to watch with eyes opened wide.

When a stretched silence is surrounding
Do you understand
The unspoken words?
The unsurfaced cries?
The unseen pain?
If you cannot, you shouldn't expect to
understand them when they're heard.

A smile touches my lips as I remember everything.
I remember until the longing becomes too much;
Until the ache of wanting becomes too deep and
as salty as the warm tears flowing down my cheeks.
I remember the whisper lullabies before I went off
and the way you held me when I was hurt or scared.
I would cry an ocean for you to set sail upon, but
would you be willing to navigate through the broken?
I remember the empty promises and bottles of pills;
the pain but also the joy because I knew you'd stay...
Eventually saying "Sorry" got too tiring and you ran.
I'm not sure if it's good to remember you but I do.
Would it be crazy for me to say that I still care about you?
I know when you took your own life you weren't thinking;
Would you do it again if you knew what it did to everyone?
You were my Captain on our voyage through life but
you ventured too far, only to find the forbidden treasure of death.

The Gospel. Not an easy message to state or hear. Who wants to repent? Hardly anyone these days. Who wants to believe in a God who many believe irrelevant to modern life? Hmmm?

A God who preordained a Messiah who tells people they must DIE TO LIVE. Well. That's the message. Luke 14. Look it up. Jesus has attracted thousands of followers. He turns to them and says YOU must hate your mom, dad, sis, bro... everyone! YOU MUST DIE TO THIS WORLD TO LIVE!
They must pick up their cross and follow him. Thousands left. All who remained were twelve men. Jesus asked if THEY also wanted to go. They said, NO. You alone hold eternal life.

Folks, I LOVE YOU. So i am simply going to say this...

REPENT. BELIEVE. TRUST.

That's all God asks. He wants to reconcile you, A SINNER, to Himself. YOU ALL ARE NOT RIGHTEOUS. Only Jesus, who was born of a ******, NEVER SINNED IN HIS LIFE, preached the Good News of the Kingdom so boldly he infuriated a lot of self- righteous people, was brutally beaten, then crucified, DEAD. BURIED. ROSE AGAIN ON THE THIRD DAY TO A NEW LIFE. He CAN take your place as sinful flesh, so YOU can GAIN HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS. Only then can you be reconciled to a Righteous God.

I'm saying all this because

I LOVE YOU.

I just died today. Care to join me?

♡ Catherine

A heart that never beat.
Lips that never opened.
Eyes that never saw.
A nose that never smelled.
Legs that never took a step.
Arms that never hugged.
Fingers that never touched.
Love that was never found.
Hate that never surfaced.
Emotions that couldn't be.
A mind that never thought.
A sun without its shine.
A life that never lived.
Where did it all go?

Happiness is somewhere.
I could show you, if you cared.
Your smiled is forced
and your lines are rehearsed.
Open up, not shut down.
You've gone too deep,
I'm afraid you'll drown.
The water is cold at the bottom,
even though it seems never to end.
What causes you from sleep?
If you cared, I could wake you
from your saddening mood.
Don't think me rude
but I think you could use a friend.