I miss you a little too much, my voice echoes; bouncing off the white walls. But you would only come by as you please and I'm left parched for your presence. Cause how else am I getting enough sunlight if not from your voice and skin and bones? Please come back.

-m.b

I woke up late again.
My body couldn't seem
to differentiate between
the am and pm.
What with the rain pouring
and the grey sky peeked
between my fading
yellow curtains. Weak.
I feel weak unlike
when you're here.
I love it when we talk
because it's just sheer
happiness.

I'm sorry if I seem so clingy but ever since you came into my life, I seem to have so much energy. Like all of a sudden I have a motivation to get out of bed before the sun rises and I want to tackle so many tasks and get my day going. That talking to you was like consuming energy pills and all I do is have this stupid smile on my face that I can't seem to hide and I laugh so much, it keeps bubbling out of me. That I just want to keep talking to you because I've spent so many months feeling numb and all I see is grey and all I hear is white noise. But you showed me what it's like to live again. To see a clear road ahead and I could do anything and I actually want to do it. You make me feel alive.

But I guess I can't
have too much of you.
Like in a day, the sun
would shine for just 12 hours.
Can't get too comfortable
cause (like now) you'll leave.
And I have to be able
to once again, live.
This time without you.
At least I've taken
my baby steps you've
generously shown
how to do it. Though I'm hurting.

It's hard to try when you're not there. I've gotten so addicted to your presence cheering me on cause now that you're not here, I feel like my tank of motivation is near empty. That I don't have the urge to get up anymore. What use is it, if you're not there to share all my accomplishments with? I feel like a fool. A fool waiting for a star to cross the sky to let me know you've missed me the way I've missed you. But it's pretty clear that I'm the only one who feels so strongly here. You've done your job and gave me a taste of your medicine so now you're treating other people. I'm not numb anymore though. No. I keep feeling things lately. I feel a pang of pain in my chest because I miss hearing your voice and how you could make me laugh like no other. That we speak in the same language and I feel like our soul and mind are intertwined. The rush of excitement I feel when I see a message but it deflates when it isn't you. How everything I see or hear reminds me of you and I want to talk to you about it but you wouldn't answer me back. I'm slowly giving up on trying to talk to you. Now I'm just here waiting for love through a screen.

-m.b

Knowing you has taught me many things.
You taught me how it feels like to be heard.
You taught me how to be strong.
You taught me to look inside me
and all the beauty inside it.
You taught me to see my worthiness.
You taught me I wasn't the monster
I thought I was.
You taught me that I can be powerful
and that you can be powerful too.
You see, you also taught me that
those Greek myths I've been reading
up on can be true.
I realise that you're a living gorgon.
How your blood could either
heal me
or **** me.
Above all, you taught me I deserve better.
And so I beheaded you.
Because you were right.
I deserve better.
Better than you.

-m.b

Sometimes there are days like today.
Where I was okay at first.
So I turn on music.

You know, the ones I used to listen to
when he was a constant in my life.

Where instead of enjoying the songs,
my mind grows blank.
I sit back and let the music fill me
with emotions and memories.

Of when I first listened to it,
the times we would listen to it together,
the times I listened to it alone, without him.

All the emotions I've buried in between
the lyrics and rhythms of the songs.

The laughter in his presence
and the pain in his absence.

I can't not listen to them
even if his ghost lingers still
in these lovely songs.

-m.b

My fears came back.
Day by day, it would boil within me.
Gnawing in my stomach as I try to fall asleep,
then erupt in the cold mornings.
Crawling its way out through my esophagus,
like an army of giant spiders, fighting to get
out from my mouth.
I could not digest my food peacefully
and my eyes are constantly watering.
The toilet bowl became a familiar companion.
My knees become weaker
and my shoulders are always tense; hurting.
Nights are spent sweating,
even with the A/C turned on in my small room.
The circles around my eyes grow darker
and the lines are carved deeper.
I begin to resent my reflection.
My fears ate at me slowly
until I am anything but cool and stable.

-m.b

Everyday after we stopped talking,
I've been running.
Running fast and hard,  away from my guilt.
Some days it'll catch up on me,
filling me up from the pit of my stomach,
gnawing its way up.
And some days I'd let it.
After all, it is what I deserve.
I'm sorry I popped up in your life,
pulled you in day by day,
then tell you I couldn't go on further.
I was desperate and lonely and curious
but realised I wasn't ready.
Perhaps I never got over my
fear of commitment.
I foolishly thought I did.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
You didn't deserve any of it.
Thank you for your kindness, though.

-m.b