"You don't have any respect for yourself, bouncing from guy to guy."
These words sting and stay with me every single day. To think that someone I once loved could say something like that to me. To think that someone I once loved actually thinks that of me. But more importantly, to think that the number of guys you've been with actually determines your self worth.
I could sit here and go on defending myself saying how m y number isn't even a high number but that's not the point. The point is that the number of guys you have dated or been with, however high that number may be, DOES NOT define your self worth.
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for about a year and a half without knowing it. Throughout the relationship he had said and done some pretty awful things to me; things that if my dad knew about, he would probably go to his house the next day to beat the **** out of him. But this one stuck to me like glue. Why? because he had made me believe it. He tricked my mind into thinking I was some kind of worthless person who doesn't respect myself.
I ask myself why I believed it. Why would someone believe that they are a **** with no self respect? Why would anyone think that ever about themselves? I think I believed it simply because the person who said this was the boy I loved, the boy I confided in, the boy I at one point saw my future with, telling me I have no self worth. It hit me hard, so hard. Harder than any other terrible thing he has said to me.
No guy should ever make you feel worthless.
No guy should ever convince you that you are anything less than whole.
No guy should ever degrade you throughout your relationship.
No guy should ever make you feel scared to be around him when he is angry.
No guy should ever put his hands on you.
No guy should ever throw your mental disorder in your face.
No guy should ever feel as though it is okay to purposely hurt you because he feels hurt.
No guy should ever make you feel like you're on top of the world one day and under it the next.
He did all of this.
I can see this now. I can see this now and I have two people that I call my best friends to thank for helping me through this past year. They always supported my decision; knowing that I was a smart girl and simply wanted me to be careful with him. They helped make me realize that what I was involved in was NOT okay. They knew it way before I did but until I had my "click", realizing that this is not healthy or worthwhile, I was going to stay in that relationship.
Thank god for my click.