It's dead in my soul
Deep beneath my skin
No longer beating
Breathing
Only spasming
From time to time

I don't want to cry anymore
I don't want to hurt you
I don't want attention
I want to scream
At the top of my lungs
Until my voice runs away
Until my vocal cords snap

I don't want to be a part of something
I want to tear myself apart

I may not want to die
But I don't want to live

I can go minutes
Hours
Even days
Without missing you
But then
I'm laughing
In the rain
At night
And all I can think of
Is how much
I wish you were here with me

I couldn't find the love I wanted
So I looked for it in other things
Forgot promises I'd made
To myself as a child
That I swore I'd never break
Now they lay shattered at my feet
Like glass by the train tracks
And I went on
Kept on keeping on
Hoping that the current pleasure
Would be sweeter than the everlasting
If only for a moment
But when it passed my lips
It turned bitter
Like sour milk
Instead of sweet honey,
I tasted only ashes
But still I would not be dissuaded
I continued
Seeking things that would only destroy me
Because the destruction felt so much like the love I craved
And if I could not get a grasp
Of what I thought I wanted
Maybe I wanted something else
But I don't.
I don't want it anymore
I don't want it anymore

I didn't know our night would end that way
Both of us in the car
Me afraid of what you would say
It wasn't the fact that you said it
It was the way you spoke of me
As of I'm a light fairytale
You spoke of my smile
My laugh
You said that even my presence puts you at ease
And I know you don't say that lightly
I was trembling through it all
Afraid you would lean over
And kiss me
And more afraid
That I felt beautiful
After all that you said
I was blushing
And couldn't look you in the eye
You think I'm a goddess
When I'm falling apart
I would wreck you
I don't want to lose what we have
But the words came out
And everything shattered
Everything is different
Everything has changed
And I don't know whether to try and fix it
Or if I should just run
Run from you
From your words
From what could have been
I don't know if I want to try and fix us
Or if I never want to see you again
I wish you would take it back
Now the bitter aftertaste of last night
Is going to follow us
You said things I've always wanted to hear
But why, God, did it have to be you?

I've known you for years now, we're friendly
Five or six I think, I'm not sure
Long enough that we know each other
Had plenty of time to mature

I met you when I was still growing
You were happier then, I could see
How could we have known that our future
Would end when you said you loved me

I thought for awhile that maybe-
I'd never been in love Before-
I got nervous when you were with me
But is that really what love is for?

I know for a fact, I was lonely
Perhaps that would go away soon
Besides, did you really know me?
Like half of the sun knows the moon

I liked the idea of us two
Forbidden Love, all that includes
My parents were never fond of you
But perhaps that means more than I knew

We got older, and shared stolen glances
That maybe no one else could see
We read into our own circumstances
A story that could never be

So I told you I do not love you
Rather not in the way that you want
I guess now when we see each other
The words are looming, a haunt

A year passed and still we said nothing
I really thought you had moved on
I guess that I must have done something
Because your feelings were-n't gone

Now I don't know how to be with you
Without hearing words I regret
For who ever said that "I love you"
Meant anything more than a threat?

So now I'm stuck in the middle
Like a CD that skips through a song
We're left with this truth I can't handle:
I'm lonely and you can't move on

Why isn't it okay that I'm afraid?

I want to write a poem
But you've even taken that
Even every word in my mind and heart
Has been squeezed out
Broken from it's home
You are a thief
A robber in the night
You have taken all my happiness
Every drop of positivity is gone
Dripping down
         And
               Down
Into the darkness
A wall of black
That even light cannot penetrate
It's wrong
How you live
With every will
Gone
Every wish
And hope
And dream
Are no more
Because you
You
Have taken it all
You deserve nothing
And you are nothing
And you will amount to nothing
You are a worm
In a wonder world
Wandering
Breaking everything
Failing everyone
And losing everything
Good
You have pushed it all away
You are a burden on all
And you deserve your loneliness.

I used to believe
In happy endings
I used to believe
That everything would work out
That one day
I would find someone
I used to live
Like I was waiting for the greatest
Moment
Ever
I used to have faith
In humanity
In good
And in myself

But I guess it's been too long
Now a sunny day is just weather
A smiling stranger
Is just another person
Beautiful things are just
Creations

I used to believe that I would meet
The man of my dreams
But now I know
That I already have
And now I know
That he will never be mine

If you were around
I'd tell you I love you
I wish I had
I would do better

If you were still here
I'd just pick up the phone
I wish I had
I would hug you tightly

If you weren't gone
I'd ask to spend time with you
I wish I had
I found out too late

If you were still with us
I'd kiss your wrinkled cheek
I wish I had
I didn't do it enough

If you were here
I would watch scifi with you
I wish I had
I never knew you loved it

If you were still on earth
I'd see you more often
I wish I had
The last time I saw you, you were so much thinner

If we still had you
I'd hug you longer
I wish I had
It all happened so fast

If I could see you now
I'd tell you I'm sorry
I wish I had
I didn't tell you how much I love you

If I could do it over
I'd tell you you're the only grandpa I remember
I wish I had
Now I have to love you from afar

If you could see me
You'd see my regret
I wish you could
All I want to do is see you

If I could see you again
I'd tell you about my day
I wish I had
We only spoke in passing

If we were face to face
I'd tell you I want you at my wedding
I wish I had
It's too late now

If we could see you again
You'd tell us not to cry
I wish you would
We miss you so much

We never had a song
We gazed at each other
Until one of us looked away
We'd smile
Or make funny faces
And he would stick out his tongue at me
But we never had a song
He made me blush when we touched
Gave me butterflies
When he wrapped his arms around me
But we never had a song
He replaced all my scars
With his fingertips
He made me feel... safe
But we never had a song
I would watch him when he didn't see
And wondered what his skin felt like
But we never had a song
He made me wish for silly things
Like making coffee together
Or playing card games late at night
But we never had a song
And at the end
When all we did was fight
When we opened up old wounds
And you used my past against me
It took up all my mind,
And all I could think
Was that we'd never have a song.

It started slowly
The impending doom
Something I knew
Was coming soon
I could feel it washing over me
Like the cold harsh waves
Of the ocean
Before a storm
And it's bitter,
This pill of mine
Sometimes it goes down sideways
And there are days
When I can't breathe
Other days
It's a little better
And my future days
Seem a little bit
Brighter
But the more I live
And love
The more I realize
That
I am broken
And I am afraid
And I am afraid of my brokenness

When I think of you
It's not about the mornings
Or the afternoons

When I think of you
I think of white lined paper
Writing love letters

When I think of you
I see the warm deep sunrise
Cool shades of colors

When I think of you
To think of what we could be
Makes me break inside

When I think of you
It makes me long for something
More than just kisses

When I think of you
I think of what you feel like
Parchment under hands

When I think of you
I wish I knew who you were

Because every stranger that passes on a busy street, every man who smiles at me, every person who offers to help me with my groceries, or holds the door... I wonder if it's you. And I don't know how much longer that I can handle the truth that no one is.

I'm not okay
I know that
I'm not myself
I cry more
Eat less
When I go to sleep
It's not because I'm tired
It's because I don't want to wake up
I don't want to be awake
My smile fades as soon as you turn away
I hate things
And myself
And when I think of the future
I see nothing
I want to curl up
And hide away
In this hole I've dug myself
Deep
Dark
Safe
I want to fall into the nothingness
That comes with sleep
I want to be someone
Other than this
Someone happy
Loved
Be with someone
Not just for the nights
Warm
And soft
But the mornings, days, and afternoons
Where I can flee
To someone's arms
Feel them around me
But I'm alone
I can't seem to shake it
I only eat
To fill me up
Because there's a hollowness inside me
And if I can't fill that
At least I can fill something
I don't have the stomach
To let the blood run
Free
Down my Wrists
But I wish I could feel something
God, I wish I could feel something
Something other than this
Lonely
Tired
Sick
Sad
Broken
Alone
Alone
Alone

In ten years,
I'll still remember you
Your smile
Your scent
The lull and tone of your voice
The missing piece of
Who I used to be
To me
You are always a star in a
Black expanse
But to you
I'll only be a
Distant fragment
Of a sunny childhood

I believe in little things as well as big things
I believe in goodbye kisses as much as good morning ones
I believe in spreading love as far as we can before we die
I believe that it's important to squeeze in as many embraces as possible even if you've already said goodbye
I believe that we are hear for a reason
I believe in the beauty of everyday things
I believe that it's okay to cry, you just have to find out what to do after that
I believe in better things than a virus or a violent ending to all things good
I believe that goodness made this world
I believe that goodness paid for me to be here through a vast sacrifice
I believe that we do not stay dead long
That death is only a door
And I believe that on the other side
Whether we see joy
Or disaster
Depends not only on how we live our lives
But on how one man lived His

I'm sorry that you raised me to be better than I am
I'm sorry that I told you I was fine, *** it's a sham
And I'm sorry I can't limbo under bars that you held high
I wish that I could tell you I'm okay, but that's a lie

I'm sorry that I spilled that drink and broke that porcelain cup
I wish that I could fix it, but there's no patching me up
I'm sorry for the hateful things I tell me in my head
And I'm sorry you wanted a daughter and you got a mess instead

I sat in evening rain today
And read about my loss
The things I was afraid to say
For fear of what it cost

I read my sorrow hard and sharp
And wept some bitter tears
My demons all around me harp
As did in early years

I saw the pain I felt so deep
It broke me to my core
I had abandoned my belief
For sorrow evermore

But as I looked at years gone by
On this celestial globe
I knew that pain, I would Abide
By one ember of hope

I wondered what would come about
If things had come too soon;
One less submission, one more shout
Would I sing a diff'rent tune?

But no, the order had to last;
One more or less thing said,
And things would not have come to pass
That maybe I still need

I saw amidst the tears and pain
The hands of someone great
Who all my hope and love sustains
And orders all my fate

And wept I more some bitter tears
But not for what had passed
I mourned for all the sorrowed years
With no wind to my mast

I praised the one who gave me hope
To hold on just once more
To wait for just one inky stroke
Of all the love He swore

I thank Him now in my distress
For all that happened then
For how could I have found such rest
Without the driving wind

For indeed in my darkest hour
I hid me deep inside
And only by His cleansing pow'r
Could I in hope reside

I see my life across a plane
A tangle and a mess
But oh the lovely, hearty grasp
That He does all things best

So though in dark I oft' reside
Languish in sorrow's drought
I know my King is by my side
And He will lead me out.

He twisted me
I don't know anymore
The truth is
I don't know anymore
What is safe
Or
What is a dangerous
I can't tell
Which people
Or things
Are right
Are safe
Are true
And what is wrong
And dangerous
And a lie
Places
Wandering hands
Unwelcome
Untoward
Untrue
Unloving
All of them
A mind game
A lie
Telling me
"It's okay"
It was never okay
And they ask me what's wrong
And am I alright
And they say how much I've changed
And "You didn't used to be this way"
But the truth is
That
I'm not here anymore
she isn't here anymore.
Fifteen years later
I'm not the little girl
You took advantage of
She's gone
She's not coming back
She died fifteen years ago
In that dim bedroom
Laying
Helpless
Beneath a heavier
Weight
And now
What has become my commonplace
Is not common in this place
Deep inside me
Sometimes
I think she's still in there
That little girl
11 years old
Whispering again and again
Through the tears
"He said it was okay
He said it was okay
He said it was okay"

I'm tired
Of the long days
And longer nights
Of the too-cold air
Or too-hot wind

I'm tired
Of the cold people
Surrounding me
The bright lights
And shaking ground

I'm tired
Of the room spinning
Voices screaming
Shoulders hurting
Soul burdened
I'm tired
Of speaking
Of waking up
And falling asleep
And the long gaps in between

I'm tired
Of life
The way it is
Knowing
No one's knows or cares

And I'm tired, ******
Of the tears
My hot skin
The shakes
The headaches

Yes, I'm tired
Of the work
That I put in
The money
I have to spend
So that I can go to sleep
Only to start it all over again

I don't belong here
I never did

And in the midst of rainy days
When clouds are dark with misty haze
And life is wrought with deep malaise
Remember Him who bought you

Father give me strength
When I cannot be brave
And Lord please take my hand
When I stumble away
You are all I have
In this world that seems so pale and gray
Lord, you are great

Shepherd, you have led me
When I go astray
Gentle, meek protector
You've conquered the grave
Comfort and my hope
You have held my head above the waves
God you are great

Maker of creation
You hold me in your hand
King of all the nations
You lift me up to stand
All Sanctification
Is bleeding from your nails of grace
King, you are great

Author of my story
You write what I can't see
Father of all glory
You live what I can't be
Taking inventory
Of all the things that I will be
Christ you are great

Leader of my heart
Give me grace like boundless seas
Not only in part
You hold my eternity
Even when I start
To slip you will hold me fast and sweet
Jesus you are great

Healer of my wounds
Lift me high and bind me up
When my heart eludes
You rise and fill my cup
Gently as you soothe
You carry me to safer ground
Maker you are great

Hiding place of mine
You capture every tear
I don't know your design
But I know you are here
Present before time
Lord you hear my cry and draw me near
Jehovah you are great

When mine eyelids close
I'll see a wondrous thing
I'll follow where He goes
I'll finally meet my King of Kings
And crowned with endless glow
I will rise and see Him face to face
Lord, God, King, Christ, Jesus, Maker, Jehovah, you are great.

Often times it may seem like you have had so much mercy from the throne of Grace that it seems He must soon run out of it to give- Not so. His love is an eternal wellspring; it can never dry up from all our sin-no, His is an everlasting love.

I'm just...
               Lonely
And I want to die
But the fireworks
And the music
And all these joyful people
Can't make that go away.

I can be happy
Smiles all around
My eyes full of gladness

I can be laughing
At something
Said by someone I love

I can be smiling
Eyes twinkling
And heart blissful

But only for a moment
Because soon
It comes again,
This dark cold
And it grips my heart like steal
And I'm afraid
I'm afraid
It won't let me go

We long for presence
For someone to hold our hand
And make sure we are okay
To pull us to safety
When we feel our lives
Slipping
Like tethered rope
Through sweaty fingers
Torn between letting go
Dropping
Falling
Fearing
Fracturing
On the rocks below
Or daring to think
That maybe things will be okay
So you hold on to the rope
Hand shaking
Fingers gripping
Blood Dripping
Down injured
Weary
Hands
Holding hard to the heartfelt hope
That someone will save you from Drowning
When there was never anyone
At the other end of the rope
So You watch the videos
Drink and love
Hoping it will bring you back
From the clammy
Gray
You've been
buried in so long
We long for presence
Because that's what we need
Someone to hold the other end of the rope
Someone to give us life again
We need someone
To put their arm beneath us
And help us stand