I keep living
As though love
Comes with strings attatched
And try as I might
I cannot cut through
That lie.

If you were around
I'd tell you I love you
I wish I had
I would do better

If you were still here
I'd just pick up the phone
I wish I had
I would hug you tightly

If you weren't gone
I'd ask to spend time with you
I wish I had
I found out too late

If you were still with us
I'd kiss your wrinkled cheek
I wish I had
I didn't do it enough

If you were here
I would watch scifi with you
I wish I had
I never knew you loved it

If you were still on earth
I'd see you more often
I wish I had
The last time I saw you, you were so much thinner

If we still had you
I'd hug you longer
I wish I had
It all happened so fast

If I could see you now
I'd tell you I'm sorry
I wish I had
I didn't tell you how much I love you

If I could do it over
I'd tell you you're the only grandpa I remember
I wish I had
Now I have to love you from afar

If you could see me
You'd see my regret
I wish you could
All I want to do is see you

If I could see you again
I'd tell you about my day
I wish I had
We only spoke in passing

If we were face to face
I'd tell you I want you at my wedding
I wish I had
It's too late now

If we could see you again
You'd tell us not to cry
I wish you would
We miss you so much

We never had a song
We gazed at each other
Until one of us looked away
We'd smile
Or make funny faces
And he would stick out his tongue at me
But we never had a song
He made me blush when we touched
Gave me butterflies
When he wrapped his arms around me
But we never had a song
He replaced all my scars
With his fingertips
He made me feel... safe
But we never had a song
I would watch him when he didn't see
And wondered what his skin felt like
But we never had a song
He made me wish for silly things
Like making coffee together
Or playing card games late at night
But we never had a song
And at the end
When all we did was fight
When we opened up old wounds
And you used my past against me
It took up all my mind,
And all I could think
Was that we'd never have a song.

It started slowly
The impending doom
Something I knew
Was coming soon
I could feel it washing over me
Like the cold harsh waves
Of the ocean
Before a storm
And it's bitter,
This pill of mine
Sometimes it goes down sideways
And there are days
When I can't breathe
Other days
It's a little better
And my future days
Seem a little bit
Brighter
But the more I live
And love
The more I realize
That
I am broken
And I am afraid
And I am afraid of my brokenness

I'm not okay
I know that
I'm not myself
I cry more
Eat less
When I go to sleep
It's not because I'm tired
It's because I don't want to wake up
I don't want to be awake
My smile fades as soon as you turn away
I hate things
And myself
And when I think of the future
I see nothing
I want to curl up
And hide away
In this hole I've dug myself
Deep
Dark
Safe
I want to fall into the nothingness
That comes with sleep
I want to be someone
Other than this
Someone happy
Loved
Be with someone
Not just for the nights
Warm
And soft
But the mornings, days, and afternoons
Where I can flee
To someone's arms
Feel them around me
But I'm alone
I can't seem to shake it
I only eat
To fill me up
Because there's a hollowness inside me
And if I can't fill that
At least I can fill something
I don't have the stomach
To let the blood run
Free
Down my Wrists
But I wish I could feel something
God, I wish I could feel something
Something other than this
Lonely
Tired
Sick
Sad
Broken
Alone
Alone
Alone

In ten years,
I'll still remember you
Your smile
Your scent
The lull and tone of your voice
The missing piece of
Who I used to be
To me
You are always a star in a
Black expanse
But to you
I'll only be a
Distant fragment
Of a sunny childhood

When I think of you
It's not about the mornings
Or the afternoons

When I think of you
I think of white lined paper
Writing love letters

When I think of you
I see the warm deep sunrise
Cool shades of colors

When I think of you
To think of what we could be
Makes me break inside

When I think of you
It makes me long for something
More than just kisses

When I think of you
I think of what you feel like
Parchment under hands

When I think of you
I wish I knew who you were

Because every stranger that passes on a busy street, every man who smiles at me, every person who offers to help me with my groceries, or holds the door... I wonder if it's you. And I don't know how much longer that I can handle the truth that no one is.

Father give me strength
When I cannot be brave
And Lord please take my hand
When I stumble away
You are all I have
In this world that seems so pale and gray
Lord, you are great

Shepherd, you have led me
When I go astray
Gentle, meek protector
You've conquered the grave
Comfort and my hope
You have held my head above the waves
God you are great

Maker of creation
You hold me in your hand
King of all the nations
You lift me up to stand
All Sanctification
Is bleeding from your nails of grace
King, you are great

Author of my story
You write what I can't see
Father of all glory
You live what I can't be
Taking inventory
Of all the things that I will be
Christ you are great

Leader of my heart
Give me grace like boundless seas
Not only in part
You hold my eternity
Even when I start
To slip you will hold me fast and sweet
Jesus you are great

Healer of my wounds
Lift me high and bind me up
When my heart eludes
You rise and fill my cup
Gently as you soothe
You carry me to safer ground
Maker you are great

Hiding place of mine
You capture every tear
I don't know your design
But I know you are here
Present before time
Lord you hear my cry and draw me near
Jehovah you are great

When mine eyelids close
I'll see a wondrous thing
I'll follow where He goes
I'll finally meet my King of Kings
And crowned with endless glow
I will rise and see Him face to face
Lord, God, King, Christ, Jesus, Maker, Jehovah, you are great.

Why isn't it okay that I'm afraid?

I sat in evening rain today
And read about my loss
The things I was afraid to say
For fear of what it cost

I read my sorrow hard and sharp
And wept some bitter tears
My demons all around me harp
As did in early years

I saw the pain I felt so deep
It broke me to my core
I had abandoned my belief
For sorrow evermore

But as I looked at years gone by
On this celestial globe
I knew that pain, I would Abide
By one ember of hope

I wondered what would come about
If things had come too soon;
One less submission, one more shout
Would I sing a diff'rent tune?

But no, the order had to last;
One more or less thing said,
And things would not have come to pass
That maybe I still need

I saw amidst the tears and pain
The hands of someone great
Who all my hope and love sustains
And orders all my fate

And wept I more some bitter tears
But not for what had passed
I mourned for all the sorrowed years
With no wind to my mast

I praised the one who gave me hope
To hold on just once more
To wait for just one inky stroke
Of all the love He swore

I thank Him now in my distress
For all that happened then
For how could I have found such rest
Without the driving wind

For indeed in my darkest hour
I hid me deep inside
And only by His cleansing pow'r
Could I in hope reside

I see my life across a plane
A tangle and a mess
But oh the lovely, hearty grasp
That He does all things best

So though in dark I oft' reside
Languish in sorrow's drought
I know my King is by my side
And He will lead me out.

I'm just...
               Lonely
And I want to die
But the fireworks
And the music
And all these joyful people
Can't make that go away.

I'm tired
Of the long days
And longer nights
Of the too-cold air
Or too-hot wind

I'm tired
Of the cold people
Surrounding me
The bright lights
And shaking ground

I'm tired
Of the room spinning
Voices screaming
Shoulders hurting
Soul burdened
I'm tired
Of speaking
Of waking up
And falling asleep
And the long gaps in between

I'm tired
Of life
The way it is
Knowing
No one's knows or cares

And I'm tired, ******
Of the tears
My hot skin
The shakes
The headaches

Yes, I'm tired
Of the work
That I put in
The money
I have to spend
So that I can go to sleep
Only to start it all over again

I don't belong here
I never did

Often times it may seem like you have had so much mercy from the throne of Grace that it seems He must soon run out of it to give- Not so. His love is an eternal wellspring; it can never dry up from all our sin-no, His is an everlasting love.

I believe in little things as well as big things
I believe in goodbye kisses as much as good morning ones
I believe in spreading love as far as we can before we die
I believe that it's important to squeeze in as many embraces as possible even if you've already said goodbye
I believe that we are hear for a reason
I believe in the beauty of everyday things
I believe that it's okay to cry, you just have to find out what to do after that
I believe in better things than a virus or a violent ending to all things good
I believe that goodness made this world
I believe that goodness paid for me to be here through a vast sacrifice
I believe that we do not stay dead long
That death is only a door
And I believe that on the other side
Whether we see joy
Or disaster
Depends not only on how we live our lives
But on how one man lived His

*******
For making me feel
Like everyone
Who says they love me
Is lying to my face
*******
For making me
Paranoid
About people leaving
And *******
Because even though it's been
8 years
8 **** years
I still feel
Like I'm not good enough
To make people want to stay
*******
And thank you
Because if you hadn't left
I would have fallen in love with you
And gotten hurt all over again.

And in the midst of rainy days
When clouds are dark with misty haze
And life is wrought with deep malaise
Remember Him who bought you

I'm sorry that you raised me to be better than I am
I'm sorry that I told you I was fine, *** it's a sham
And I'm sorry that I missed every bar that you held high
I wish that I could tell you I'm okay, but that's a lie

I'm sorry that I spilled that drink and broke that porcelain cup
I wish that I could fix it, but there's no patching me up
I'm sorry for the hateful things I tell me in my head
And I'm sorry you wanted a daughter and you got a mess instead

It's spring
Soft colors rise on the horizon
The air is fresh
And clean
I know that I could just close my eyes
Fall asleep here
Listening to the birds
And the squirrels in the trees
Waking in the magenta morning light
Forget for a few precious hours
That I'm sad
And tired
And afraid for decisions to be made
Forget that I feel a bit broken
And battered
But I know
That when I open my eyes
It will all come crashing back
And I don't know
If I'd rather pause this for awhile
Just to get hit harder
When my eyelids flutter open
And the peacefulness is gone

Sometimes
I'll drive down
Country roads
With the tall trees
Dips and curves in the pavement
Wind reaching through my hair
And the sun warm on my face
And
I can almost imagine
I'm home

We long for presence
For someone to hold our hand
And make sure we are okay
To pull us to safety
When we feel our lives
Slipping
Like tethered rope
Through sweaty fingers
Torn between letting go
Dropping
Falling
Fearing
Fracturing
On the rocks below
Or daring to think
That maybe things will be okay
So you hold on to the rope
Hand shaking
Fingers gripping
Blood Dripping
Down injured
Weary
Hands
Holding hard to the heartfelt hope
That someone will save you from Drowning
When there was never anyone
At the other end of the rope
So You watch the videos
Drink and love
Hoping it will bring you back
From the clammy
Gray
You've been
buried in so long
We long for presence
Because that's what we need
Someone to hold the other end of the rope
Someone to give us life again
We need someone
To put their arm beneath us
And help us stand

He twisted me
I don't know anymore
The truth is
I don't know anymore
What is safe
Or
What is a dangerous
I can't tell
Which people
Or things
Are right
Are safe
Are true
And what is wrong
And dangerous
And a lie
Places
Wandering hands
Unwelcome
Untoward
Untrue
Unloving
All of them
A mind game
A lie
Telling me
"It's okay"
It was never okay
And they ask me what's wrong
And am I alright
And they say how much I've changed
And "You didn't used to be this way"
But the truth is
That
I'm not here anymore
she isn't here anymore.
Fifteen years later
I'm not the little girl
You took advantage of
She's gone
She's not coming back
She died fifteen years ago
In that dim bedroom
Laying
Helpless
Beneath a heavier
Weight
And now
What has become my commonplace
Is not common in this place
Deep inside me
Sometimes
I think she's still in there
That little girl
11 years old
Whispering again and again
Through the tears
"He said it was okay
He said it was okay
He said it was okay"

Because of you I can't sit still in public
My hands are shaking
My body is rocking
Back
And forth

Because of you every compliment
Is seen as a lie
They can't be telling the truth

Because of you I am an expert
Overthinker
Every conversation
Every thought
Every word that comes
From my mouth
Does so incorrectly

Because of you even people
Who have never given me a reason to think
That they think lowly of me
Think so anyway

Because of you I harbor anger
For years
Because I don't want to inconvenience
Anyone by telling the truth
And for that
I can't keep friendships

Because of you I can never
Make it through a full week without
Sobbing
So much that it hurts
And my eyes are red day and night

Because of you
Not taking that step off a cliff
Makes me a coward
And I dare myself to do it every day

Because of you
I'm exhausted
Because getting through a day is so
****
Hard

Because of you
I can't do anything right

Because of you
I spend my days
Assuming that my boss
Is always looking for reasons to fire me

Because of you
I am too hot
Too cold
Too sore
This stress and pain makes me ache
Every moment is pain

Because of you
If I'm not faster
Better
Smarter than everyone else,
I am worth nothing
I am nothing

Because of you
I can never look anyone in the eyes
Like a dog, I submit by lowering
Mine too the ground

Because of you I am never happy
For my day begins, goes on, and ends with
Worry
And anxious tremors
Afraid of everything

Because of you, courage
Is something I will never have

Because of you
Everyone leaves

Because of you, it is taking me so
So
Long
To get better
But I will defeat you.
Because the one thing I am certain of
Is that I'm competitive
And I'm going to win
It's only a matter of time

I always wanted
To believe
That there were only good things in my future
That life would be smooth
Like an ocean
After a storm
But You ******* me up
You broke me down
In my heart
And my bones
And I spent so long
Waking up
Inhaling sobs
And exhaling
Misery
And being alive
And not wanting to be
But
It's peaceful now
And I wake up
And I can imagine
Good things happening
Again

I can be happy
Smiles all around
My eyes full of gladness

I can be laughing
At something
Said by someone I love

I can be smiling
Eyes twinkling
And heart blissful

But only for a moment
Because soon
It comes again,
This dark cold
And it grips my heart like steal
And I'm afraid
I'm afraid
It won't let me go

He wasn't particularly handsome
No lovely dark hair
Or green eyes
The world didn't stop to stare at him
But I did.
He wasn't confident
Or proud,
He didn't spend his days
Being recognized or
Fauned over by the masses,
He didn't even love himself
But I did.
I can't say
That we were meant for each other,
Or the stars aligned
To bring us together,
But there was a
Hope
Of "maybe" between us
And no one else could understand it,
But we did.

I'm laying in bed and as I drift off to sleep
A slow
Soft tune
That speaks of dreaming
Drifts into my ears
Suddenly
It is summer
I'm curled up in a field of soft green grass
Tears on my cheeks
Shuddering breaths
Hollowly echoing
From my lungs
Everyone who hurt me
Is on a slow March
Towards me
Reaching their hands
To grab me
Touch me
Bruise me
The sky turns dark and the rain comes
Angry clouds hang above me in a far more furious sky
Fear and dread
Like bullets
Leap into my skin
I hold myself
And let my tearful existence
Mimic the water falling upon my clammy skin
A deep sorrow
Horrible anxious fear
Is all that I am
I wonder if ever I will escape
The creeping hands
That reach tendrils around me
Threatening to pull me into the muddy ground
My clothes cling to my skin like frost to a tree
In a flash of lightening
Every sound stops
The rain continues to hit my face
Like shards of ice
Every drop reminding me of my pain
The wind stills howls
But all I can hear are soft footsteps
The kind music returns to my ears and I take my arms away from my head only to see
A man
Strideing toward me
Weaving his way through the painful
Reminders of my past
As he passes each person,
He simply touches their shoulders
Gently and mightily
And they vanish
In a puff of fog
Like summer mornings
Each disappears
He finally reaches me
I see His face
Never have I seen anything so lovely
An affectionate smile
Works it's way onto His face
He says nothing,
Only reaches His hand out to me
I've never trusted
With more conviction
Slowly at first, I reach for His hand,
And the moment our fingers touch
All the violent storm
Comes to a stop
A sweet melody
Of birdsong
And tender music returns as He pulls me to my feet
He does not ask me to come to Him
Nor does He hold out His arms in expectation
No, He looks into my eyes
With a tenderness nothing short of miraculous
And wraps His arms around me
And all the wretched fear is gone
I open my eyes
I am again in my bed
And though the man is no longer seen at the fluttering open of my eyelids
I can still feel His kind loyalty
On my skin
Tears dry on my face
And I wonder...
I know
Everything is going to be alright.