I couldn't find the love I wanted
So I looked for it in other things
Forgot promises I'd made
To myself as a child
That I swore I'd never break
Now they lay shattered at my feet
Like glass by the train tracks
And I went on
Kept on keeping on
Hoping that the current pleasure
Would be sweeter than the everlasting
If only for a moment
But when it passed my lips
It turned bitter
Like sour milk
Instead of sweet honey,
I tasted only ashes
But still I would not be dissuaded
I continued
Seeking things that would only destroy me
Because the destruction felt so much like the love I craved
And if I could not get a grasp
Of what I thought I wanted
Maybe I wanted something else
But I don't.
I don't want it anymore
I don't want it anymore

I have felt the hardships
I have been in joy

I have known pain
And I have known healing

I've felt His presence
And I've strayed from His path

So I fell on my knees
And I lifted my hands

And I've come to see
I've felt within me

That I can feel sorrow
I can feel pain

I can walk a hard path
Or trod on even ground

But come what may
It all means nothing

If I do not feel His presence
I am lacking my life source

I would gladly feel pain
Both physical and emotional

I would happily feel sorrow
And strain in this earthly body

I would give all I have
To simply feel His presence

I asked Him to come to me
And He has come

I long for trials
And I hunger for hardships

For it is in my darkest moments
That I feel Him most deeply

So take my freedom
Take my life

Take my money
And all my earthly possessions

And give me Jesus.

I can be happy
Smiles all around
My eyes full of gladness

I can be laughing
At something
Said by someone I love

I can be smiling
Eyes twinkling
And heart blissful

But only for a moment
Because soon
It comes again,
This dark cold
And it grips my heart like steal
And I'm afraid
I'm afraid
It won't let me go

I can go minutes
Hours
Even days
Without missing you
But then
I'm laughing
In the rain
At night
And all I can think of
Is how much
I wish you were here with me

We never had a song
We gazed at each other
Until one of us looked away
We'd smile
Or make funny faces
And he would stick out his tongue at me
But we never had a song
He made me blush when we touched
Gave me butterflies
When he wrapped his arms around me
But we never had a song
He replaced all my scars
With his fingertips
He made me feel... safe
But we never had a song
I would watch him when he didn't see
And wondered what his skin felt like
But we never had a song
He made me wish for silly things
Like making coffee together
Or playing card games late at night
But we never had a song
And at the end
When all we did was fight
When we opened up old wounds
And you used my past against me
It took up all my mind,
And all I could think
Was that we'd never have a song.

I am always the one who
Loves more
Tried harder
Falls deeper
I have so much love to give
But no one wants it.

I'm tired
Of the long days
And longer nights
Of the too-cold air
Or too-hot wind

I'm tired
Of the cold people
Surrounding me
The bright lights
And shaking ground

I'm tired
Of the room spinning
Voices screaming
Shoulders hurting
Soul burdened
I'm tired
Of speaking
Of waking up
And falling asleep
And the long gaps in between

I'm tired
Of life
The way it is
Knowing
No one's knows or cares

And I'm tired, ******
Of the tears
My hot skin
The shakes
The headaches

Yes, I'm tired
Of the work
That I put in
The money
I have to spend
So that I can go to sleep
Only to start it all over again

I don't belong here
I never did

Because of you I can't sit still in public
My hands are shaking
My body is rocking
Back
And forth

Because of you every compliment
Is seen as a lie
They can't be telling the truth

Because of you I am an expert
Overthinker
Every conversation
Every thought
Every word that comes
From my mouth
Does so incorrectly

Because of you even people
Who have never given me a reason to think
That they think lowly of me
Think so anyway

Because of you I harbor anger
For years
Because I don't want to inconvenience
Anyone by telling the truth
And for that
I can't keep friendships

Because of you I can never
Make it through a full week without
Sobbing
So much that it hurts
And my eyes are red day and night

Because of you
Not taking that step off a cliff
Makes me a coward
And I dare myself to do it every day

Because of you
I'm exhausted
Because getting through a day is so
****
Hard

Because of you
I can't do anything right

Because of you
I spend my days
Assuming that my boss
Is always looking for reasons to fire me

Because of you
I am too hot
Too cold
Too sore
This stress and pain makes me ache
Every moment is pain

Because of you
If I'm not faster
Better
Smarter than everyone else,
I am worth nothing
I am nothing

Because of you
I can never look anyone in the eyes
Like a dog, I submit by lowering
Mine too the ground

Because of you I am never happy
For my day begins, goes on, and ends with
Worry
And anxious tremors
Afraid of everything

Because of you, courage
Is something I will never have

Because of you
Everyone leaves

Because of you, it is taking me so
So
Long
To get better
But I will defeat you.
Because the one thing I am certain of
Is that I'm competitive
And I'm going to win
It's only a matter of time

I sat in evening rain today
And read about my loss
The things I was afraid to say
For fear of what it cost

I read my sorrow hard and sharp
And wept some bitter tears
My demons all around me harp
As did in early years

I saw the pain I felt so deep
It broke me to my core
I had abandoned my belief
For sorrow evermore

But as I looked at years gone by
On this celestial globe
I knew that pain, I would Abide
By one ember of hope

I wondered what would come about
If things had come too soon;
One less submission, one more shout
Would I sing a diff'rent tune?

But no, the order had to last;
One more or less thing said,
And things would not have come to pass
That maybe I still need

I saw amidst the tears and pain
The hands of someone great
Who all my hope and love sustains
And orders all my fate

And wept I more some bitter tears
But not for what had passed
I mourned for all the sorrowed years
With no wind to my mast

I praised the one who gave me hope
To hold on just once more
To wait for just one inky stroke
Of all the love He swore

I thank Him now in my distress
For all that happened then
For how could I have found such rest
Without the driving wind

For indeed in my darkest hour
I hid me deep inside
And only by His cleansing pow'r
Could I in hope reside

I see my life across a plane
A tangle and a mess
But oh the lovely, hearty grasp
That He does all things best

So though in dark I oft' reside
Languish in sorrow's drought
I know my King is by my side
And He will lead me out.

I'm just...
               Lonely
And I want to die
But the fireworks
And the music
And all these joyful people
Can't make that go away.

I open the door
It's been a long day
But a smell drifts down the stairs
That reminds me
Of Sunday afternoons
Family dinners
And warm food in my belly
Fall naps
And stealing a sip of mom's drink
It's just apple juice
But only her and dad get some
I walk upstairs
And slip off my shoes
Tired
And hang my purse on the hook in the wall
Before going to open the oven.
The heavenly smell increases
A smell of the past
A smell of memories
Of family
I pull the *** out of the oven and cautiously open the lid.
I'm washed over with old memories
As I inhale the smell of cooked veggies, roast, and red wine vinegar.
I reach in with some tongs and it falls apart
Soft
Perfect
Ready to eat
And when I take a bite
All I can think about is my mom
And Sunday afternoons
And that last sip of apple juice.

I've known you for years now, we're friendly
Five or six I think, I'm not sure
Long enough that we know each other
Had plenty of time to mature

I met you when I was still growing
You were happier then, I could see
How could we have known that our future
Would end when you said you loved me

I thought for awhile that maybe-
I'd never been in love Before-
I got nervous when you were with me
But is that really what love is for?

I know for a fact, I was lonely
Perhaps that would go away soon
Besides, did you really know me?
Like half of the sun knows the moon

I liked the idea of us two
Forbidden Love, all that includes
My parents were never fond of you
But perhaps that means more than I knew

We got older, and shared stolen glances
That maybe no one else could see
We read into our own circumstances
A story that could never be

So I told you I do not love you
Rather not in the way that you want
I guess now when we see each other
The words are looming, a haunt

A year passed and still we said nothing
I really thought you had moved on
I guess that I must have done something
Because your feelings were-n't gone

Now I don't know how to be with you
Without hearing words I regret
For who ever said that "I love you"
Meant anything more than a threat?

So now I'm stuck in the middle
Like a CD that skips through a song
We're left with this truth I can't handle:
I'm lonely and you can't move on

Everyone is happy
To accommodate you
When you are young
"She has some problems"
"She'll grow out of it"

But they don't tell you
When you're older
You have to figure it out on your own
On your own

It's peaceful tonight
I guess like
The eye of the storm
I'm still lost
And confused
Pain
Like a constant reminder
Is shooting up my spine
I know that tomorrow
I'll wake up and have to do this all over again
But for now
It's quiet
The sun is setting
I am warm in my bed
Waiting for the amber release
Of drug induced sleep
To weigh down my eyelids
And my heart is somehow calm
In the midst of this hurricane

We long for presence
For someone to hold our hand
And make sure we are okay
To pull us to safety
When we feel our lives
Slipping
Like tethered rope
Through sweaty fingers
Torn between letting go
Dropping
Falling
Fearing
Fracturing
On the rocks below
Or daring to think
That maybe things will be okay
So you hold on to the rope
Hand shaking
Fingers gripping
Blood Dripping
Down injured
Weary
Hands
Holding hard to the heartfelt hope
That someone will save you from Drowning
When there was never anyone
At the other end of the rope
So You watch the videos
Drink and love
Hoping it will bring you back
From the clammy
Gray
You've been
buried in so long
We long for presence
Because that's what we need
Someone to hold the other end of the rope
Someone to give us life again
We need someone
To put their arm beneath us
And help us stand

I do not have the luxury
Of caring for myself.
When I feel tears coming
I bite my tongue
And look at something bright
To hold them back
When I feel the need to slash my wrists
I don't say anything
I just allow it to happen
And hope that this won't be the day
That I finally give into temptation
I can't take time off work
For a mental health day
I need the money
And rent isn't cheap
When I feel unloved
I don't tell anyone
I just suffer
And wish
And hope
And scream
Inside
Wishing I could open my mouth
Utter the words
So that someone
Anyone will know
That I'm not okay
That I'm asking for help

If you were around
I'd tell you I love you
I wish I had
I would do better

If you were still here
I'd just pick up the phone
I wish I had
I would hug you tightly

If you weren't gone
I'd ask to spend time with you
I wish I had
I found out too late

If you were still with us
I'd kiss your wrinkled cheek
I wish I had
I didn't do it enough

If you were here
I would watch scifi with you
I wish I had
I never knew you loved it

If you were still on earth
I'd see you more often
I wish I had
The last time I saw you, you were so much thinner

If we still had you
I'd hug you longer
I wish I had
It all happened so fast

If I could see you now
I'd tell you I'm sorry
I wish I had
I didn't tell you how much I love you

If I could do it over
I'd tell you you're the only grandpa I remember
I wish I had
Now I have to love you from afar

If you could see me
You'd see my regret
I wish you could
All I want to do is see you

If I could see you again
I'd tell you about my day
I wish I had
We only spoke in passing

If we were face to face
I'd tell you I want you at my wedding
I wish I had
It's too late now

If we could see you again
You'd tell us not to cry
I wish you would
We miss you so much

I'm laying in bed and as I drift off to sleep
A slow
Soft tune
That speaks of dreaming
Drifts into my ears
Suddenly
It is summer
I'm curled up in a field of soft green grass
Tears on my cheeks
Shuddering breaths
Hollowly echoing
From my lungs
Everyone who hurt me
Is on a slow March
Towards me
Reaching their hands
To grab me
Touch me
Bruise me
The sky turns dark and the rain comes
Angry clouds hang above me in a far more furious sky
Fear and dread
Like bullets
Leap into my skin
I hold myself
And let my tearful existence
Mimic the water falling upon my clammy skin
A deep sorrow
Horrible anxious fear
Is all that I am
I wonder if ever I will escape
The creeping hands
That reach tendrils around me
Threatening to pull me into the muddy ground
My clothes cling to my skin like frost to a tree
In a flash of lightening
Every sound stops
The rain continues to hit my face
Like shards of ice
Every drop reminding me of my pain
The wind stills howls
But all I can hear are soft footsteps
The kind music returns to my ears and I take my arms away from my head only to see
A man
Strideing toward me
Weaving his way through the painful
Reminders of my past
As he passes each person,
He simply touches their shoulders
Gently and mightily
And they vanish
In a puff of fog
Like summer mornings
Each disappears
He finally reaches me
I see His face
Never have I seen anything so lovely
An affectionate smile
Works it's way onto His face
He says nothing,
Only reaches His hand out to me
I've never trusted
With more conviction
Slowly at first, I reach for His hand,
And the moment our fingers touch
All the violent storm
Comes to a stop
A sweet melody
Of birdsong
And tender music returns as He pulls me to my feet
He does not ask me to come to Him
Nor does He hold out His arms in expectation
No, He looks into my eyes
With a tenderness nothing short of miraculous
And wraps His arms around me
And all the wretched fear is gone
I open my eyes
I am again in my bed
And though the man is no longer seen at the fluttering open of my eyelids
I can still feel His kind loyalty
On my skin
Tears dry on my face
And I wonder...
I know
Everything is going to be alright.

My eyes hurt
I'm bone weary
Sore in many places
And too weak and exhausted to even cry
And I'm driving home
In the gray twilight
And all I wish
Is that I were going home
To crawl into the arms of someone
Soft
And warm
Who would cradle me until I fall asleep
And hold me until I wake

*******
For making me feel
Like everyone
Who says they love me
Is lying to my face
*******
For making me
Paranoid
About people leaving
And *******
Because even though it's been
8 years
8 **** years
I still feel
Like I'm not good enough
To make people want to stay
*******
And thank you
Because if you hadn't left
I would have fallen in love with you
And gotten hurt all over again.

It's spring
Soft colors rise on the horizon
The air is fresh
And clean
I know that I could just close my eyes
Fall asleep here
Listening to the birds
And the squirrels in the trees
Waking in the magenta morning light
Forget for a few precious hours
That I'm sad
And tired
And afraid for decisions to be made
Forget that I feel a bit broken
And battered
But I know
That when I open my eyes
It will all come crashing back
And I don't know
If I'd rather pause this for awhile
Just to get hit harder
When my eyelids flutter open
And the peacefulness is gone

I always wanted
To believe
That there were only good things in my future
That life would be smooth
Like an ocean
After a storm
But You ******* me up
You broke me down
In my heart
And my bones
And I spent so long
Waking up
Inhaling sobs
And exhaling
Misery
And being alive
And not wanting to be
But
It's peaceful now
And I wake up
And I can imagine
Good things happening
Again

I want to
Hold you softly
Watch sunsets with you
Kiss you deeply
I want to
Go swimming
And hiking
And make memories
I want to
Buy you things
Tell you that you look handsome
Wake up with you
I want to
Learn to slow dance with you
Your hand on my waist
My head on your chest
I want to
Spend the rest of my life
Loving you
Making you dinner
And
Making
The most
Of the time we have left
I want to
Love you
More than I've ever wanted
To love someone
I just don't know you yet

Sometimes
I'll drive down
Country roads
With the tall trees
Dips and curves in the pavement
Wind reaching through my hair
And the sun warm on my face
And
I can almost imagine
I'm home

I believe in little things as well as big things
I believe in goodbye kisses as much as good morning ones
I believe in spreading love as far as we can before we die
I believe that it's important to squeeze in as many embraces as possible even if you've already said goodbye
I believe that we are hear for a reason
I believe in the beauty of everyday things
I believe that it's okay to cry, you just have to find out what to do after that
I believe in better things than a virus or a violent ending to all things good
I believe that goodness made this world
I believe that goodness paid for me to be here through a vast sacrifice
I believe that we do not stay dead long
That death is only a door
And I believe that on the other side
Whether we see joy
Or disaster
Depends not only on how we live our lives
But on how one man lived His

We can smile
And say we're fine
We haven't been sleeping well
We're stressed
Put on a brave face
But in the end
All we really want
Is to lay down
For a long time
No dreams
No wakeful nightmares
And rest
Until the stars fade out
And the sun grows dim
And the green grass
Falls into
The purple universe
And we don't have to be alive anymore

Haven't felt like this in awhile
The anger
The sadness
The need for red
Running
Down
And
Down
For anything
But this
But I was okay
I was fine
The relief I took for granted
But it always comes back
I just wanted to be sane for a
Little
While
Longer

The misty walls
Of my shower
And cool hard glass
Of my foggy
Bathroom
Mirror
Know more secrets
From the tracing of my finger
Than I've
Ever
Said
Out
Loud.