We long for presence
For someone to hold our hand
And make sure we are okay
To pull us to safety
When we feel our lives
Slipping
Like tethered rope
Through sweaty fingers
Torn between letting go
Dropping
Falling
Fearing
Fracturing
On the rocks below
Or daring to think
That maybe things will be okay
So you hold on to the rope
Hand shaking
Fingers gripping
Blood Dripping
Down injured
Weary
Hands
Holding hard to the heartfelt hope
That someone will save you from Drowning
When there was never anyone
At the other end of the rope
So You watch the videos
Drink and love
Hoping it will bring you back
From the clammy
Gray
You've been
buried in so long
We long for presence
Because that's what we need
Someone to hold the other end of the rope
Someone to give us life again
We need someone
To put their arm beneath us
And help us stand

I can be happy
Smiles all around
My eyes full of gladness

I can be laughing
At something
Said by someone I love

I can be smiling
Eyes twinkling
And heart blissful

But only for a moment
Because soon
It comes again,
This dark cold
And it grips my heart like steal
And I'm afraid
I'm afraid
It won't let me go

Because of you I can't sit still in public
My hands are shaking
My body is rocking
Back
And forth

Because of you every compliment
Is seen as a lie
They can't be telling the truth

Because of you I am an expert
Overthinker
Every conversation
Every thought
Every word that comes
From my mouth
Does so incorrectly

Because of you even people
Who have never given me a reason to think
That they think lowly of me
Think so anyway

Because of you I harbor anger
For years
Because I don't want to inconvenience
Anyone by telling the truth
And for that
I can't keep friendships

Because of you I can never
Make it through a full week without
Sobbing
So much that it hurts
And my eyes are red day and night

Because of you
Not taking that step off a cliff
Makes me a coward
And I dare myself to do it every day

Because of you
I'm exhausted
Because getting through a day is so
****
Hard

Because of you
I can't do anything right

Because of you
I spend my days
Assuming that my boss
Is always looking for reasons to fire me

Because of you
I am too hot
Too cold
Too sore
This stress and pain makes me ache
Every moment is pain

Because of you
If I'm not faster
Better
Smarter than everyone else,
I am worth nothing
I am nothing

Because of you
I can never look anyone in the eyes
Like a dog, I submit by lowering
Mine too the ground

Because of you I am never happy
For my day begins, goes on, and ends with
Worry
And anxious tremors
Afraid of everything

Because of you, courage
Is something I will never have

Because of you
Everyone leaves

Because of you, it is taking me so
So
Long
To get better
But I will defeat you.
Because the one thing I am certain of
Is that I'm competitive
And I'm going to win
It's only a matter of time

It's peaceful tonight
I guess like
The eye of the storm
I'm still lost
And confused
Pain
Like a constant reminder
Is shooting up my spine
I know that tomorrow
I'll wake up and have to do this all over again
But for now
It's quiet
The sun is setting
I am warm in my bed
Waiting for the amber release
Of drug induced sleep
To weigh down my eyelids
And my heart is somehow calm
In the midst of this hurricane

I'm laying in bed and as I drift off to sleep
A slow
Soft tune
That speaks of dreaming
Drifts into my ears
Suddenly
It is summer
I'm curled up in a field of soft green grass
Tears on my cheeks
Shuddering breaths
Hollowly echoing
From my lungs
Everyone who hurt me
Is on a slow March
Towards me
Reaching their hands
To grab me
Touch me
Bruise me
The sky turns dark and the rain comes
Angry clouds hang above me in a far more furious sky
Fear and dread
Like bullets
Leap into my skin
I hold myself
And let my tearful existence
Mimic the water falling upon my clammy skin
A deep sorrow
Horrible anxious fear
Is all that I am
I wonder if ever I will escape
The creeping hands
That reach tendrils around me
Threatening to pull me into the muddy ground
My clothes cling to my skin like frost to a tree
In a flash of lightening
Every sound stops
The rain continues to hit my face
Like shards of ice
Every drop reminding me of my pain
The wind stills howls
But all I can hear are soft footsteps
The kind music returns to my ears and I take my arms away from my head only to see
A man
Strideing toward me
Weaving his way through the painful
Reminders of my past
As he passes each person,
He simply touches their shoulders
Gently and mightily
And they vanish
In a puff of fog
Like summer mornings
Each disappears
He finally reaches me
I see His face
Never have I seen anything so lovely
An affectionate smile
Works it's way onto His face
He says nothing,
Only reaches His hand out to me
I've never trusted
With more conviction
Slowly at first, I reach for His hand,
And the moment our fingers touch
All the violent storm
Comes to a stop
A sweet melody
Of birdsong
And tender music returns as He pulls me to my feet
He does not ask me to come to Him
Nor does He hold out His arms in expectation
No, He looks into my eyes
With a tenderness nothing short of miraculous
And wraps His arms around me
And all the wretched fear is gone
I open my eyes
I am again in my bed
And though the man is no longer seen at the fluttering open of my eyelids
I can still feel His kind loyalty
On my skin
Tears dry on my face
And I wonder...
I know
Everything is going to be alright.

It's spring
Soft colors rise on the horizon
The air is fresh
And clean
I know that I could just close my eyes
Fall asleep here
Listening to the birds
And the squirrels in the trees
Waking in the magenta morning light
Forget for a few precious hours
That I'm sad
And tired
And afraid for decisions to be made
Forget that I feel a bit broken
And battered
But I know
That when I open my eyes
It will all come crashing back
And I don't know
If I'd rather pause this for awhile
Just to get hit harder
When my eyelids flutter open
And the peacefulness is gone

I am always the one who
Loves more
Tried harder
Falls deeper
I have so much love to give
But no one wants it.

He wasn't particularly handsome
No lovely dark hair
Or green eyes
The world didn't stop to stare at him
But I did.
He wasn't confident
Or proud,
He didn't spend his days
Being recognized or
Fauned over by the masses,
He didn't even love himself
But I did.
I can't say
That we were meant for each other,
Or the stars aligned
To bring us together,
But there was a
Hope
Of "maybe" between us
And no one else could understand it,
But we did.

I always wanted
To believe
That there were only good things in my future
That life would be smooth
Like an ocean
After a storm
But You ******* me up
You broke me down
In my heart
And my bones
And I spent so long
Waking up
Inhaling sobs
And exhaling
Misery
And being alive
And not wanting to be
But
It's peaceful now
And I wake up
And I can imagine
Good things happening
Again

The misty walls
Of my shower
And cool hard glass
Of my foggy
Bathroom
Mirror
Know more secrets
From the tracing of my finger
Than I've
Ever
Said
Out
Loud.

Haven't felt like this in awhile
The anger
The sadness
The need for red
Running
Down
And
Down
For anything
But this
But I was okay
I was fine
The relief I took for granted
But it always comes back
I just wanted to be sane for a
Little
While
Longer

We can smile
And say we're fine
We haven't been sleeping well
We're stressed
Put on a brave face
But in the end
All we really want
Is to lay down
For a long time
No dreams
No wakeful nightmares
And rest
Until the stars fade out
And the sun grows dim
And the green grass
Falls into
The purple universe
And we don't have to be alive anymore

I want to
Hold you softly
Watch sunsets with you
Kiss you deeply
I want to
Go swimming
And hiking
And make memories
I want to
Buy you things
Tell you that you look handsome
Wake up with you
I want to
Learn to slow dance with you
Your hand on my waist
My head on your chest
I want to
Spend the rest of my life
Loving you
Making you dinner
And
Making
The most
Of the time we have left
I want to
Love you
More than I've ever wanted
To love someone
I just don't know you yet

I'm not
Grand
Or rich
I don't live in a mansion,
just a tiny apartment.
I'm not poor
Or broke,
I don't worry about finances
I don't eat out every night,
But I budget.
I have money enough
That I don't have to worry about not being able to pay bills,
So I am content.
But I am not happy.
Money can't bring you happiness. Because at the end of the day,
I'm sitting in my house
All alone
Save my plants,
And I'm wishing
I had someone to come home to.

Everyone is happy
To accommodate you
When you are young
"She has some problems"
"She'll grow out of it"

But they don't tell you
When you're older
You have to figure it out on your own
On your own

People don't want to know
                                                 That I'm not okay

For so long
I've remembered all the bad things
I've remembered how much we fought
There near the end
How hard it was
How many days
And nights
I sat
Sobbing
In my room
Ten feet from yours
And wishing I had never come
All the mornings
With puffy eyes
Hoping it would be
My last day
And the long nights
With empty lungs
Hoping it would all be a dream when I awoke
But I'm tired
I'm so tired
I'm tired of remembering it that way

In my mind there's a version of you
One who is happy
And never turned to drinking
As a way to push back the darkness
A version that told me he loved me
And really meant it
Who knew Jesus like I do
And who made me laugh
Who made my skin blush
Instead of crawl
And who chose to be better
And care for himself

And there's another you
Who never said anything
The you who is still my companion
Who makes stupid faces at me
And takes me out for dinner with our friends
An alternate you
Who I never told what broke me
Because when I did,
It broke us, too.

There's a third version of you
The one who hurt me
Used my past against me
The one who told me I was beautiful
And different from the rest
The one who two months later told me to never speak to him again
And gave no reason why
This third version of you is the one
Who lives down the road
I think you do.
Its been almost 3 years and I havent heard a thing
The third version of you is the one who left
And the one that I got

I don't know whether to be angry at you
Or to miss you
But I know that it hurts that you're gone
I'm not sure whether upon seeing you again
I would slap you
Or hug you
But I know that more than almost anything
I want to tell you that leaving didn't make me stop worrying about you
It made me worry more.
And more than that
I want to tell you to come back.

And oh how I wish that one of the you's in my head
/Heart/
Would come around
Because the second one is my friend
And the first
Is everything I ever wanted.

I know
You want me
I want you too
But it's hopeless
Fire and water
Cannot become one
The sky
And the ocean
Can never meet
Summer and winter
Know not each other's names
But I know yours
And my darling
Our souls
Have known each other
For a far longer time

I asked God if he loved me
He said "of course I do"
I told him I don't feel it
So how could it be true?

I told Him I feel broken
And lost and so unloved
So how could He claim to love me
If I didn't feel beloved?

I told God I was angry
And felt fear and hate inside
I never really understood
How to see through the lies

I told Him I was tired
And I didn't want to fight
Asked how I could hold a sword
When I'm bleeding deep inside.

I told God I was lonely
And I wanted someone near
He told me that He loved me
And He is always here

I told God that I wanted more
To be held and be known
I felt like it wasn't enough-
His ruling from a throne

I asked God if He loves me
He said "Of course I do"
I told Him I don't feel it
So how could it be true

I told God I was weary
And I wished to see His face
And if I looked upon it,
I'd better feel His grace

He said to trust His timing
To wait, and to be brave
And He'd prove it's not my feelings
But myself He came to save

Humans are just humans
Friendships are good
And healthy,
And fun,
But none of us is any more than flesh
And
Blood
You don't need to earn anyone
And they don't need to satisfy you

Its been a year
And I finally know
What went wrong
You didn't know how to love
And I didn't realize
So I always felt
That I had to earn you
And I was never good enough

I'm sorry
I'm sorry that I have two voices
In my head
Interrupting each other
Telling me things
And I'm sorry
That I can't tell
Which one is telling the truth

I don't know what's happening
Anymore
Anymore
My mind
Against me
Like water on rock
Hot tears
Blinking
Down my cheeks
Fast beat of my aching heart
I want to go back
Or I want to die
I'm not sure which
Perhaps both
But I don't
Don't want
To be here
Anymore
Anymore
My soul is weary
I cannot feel
I cannot fight
I can't go on
Anymore
Anymore
For the first time
In a long time
I'm thinking
Of walking outside
Into the street
It would hurt for a moment
Then no more pain
Anymore
Anymore
I want to **** myself
But I haven't the courage
And I want someone
To know
How my mind
Is betraying me
But I don't
Don't want to tell
Anyone
So when they ask me
How I'm doing
I tell them I'm fine
Because I don't have the heart
To tell them
I don't want
To be alive
Anymore
Anymore
Anymore

Hello
   "Sorry, I've been busy"
I know
   You've got no time for me
And oh
   How your absence hurts me
"Okay"
   "It's fine! Don't even worry!"

You break
   My heart when you don't text me
I know
   If I don't, you'll forget me
I see
   That you don't really love me
But god
   How you have destroyed me

It hurts
Things don't
Always go
How you thought they would
There are
So many
Ugly things here
In this wretched world
That is burning to gray
Powder
Dusting the ground
Like fresh snow
But there is
So much beauty
Among the ashes

Even at my best
I'm never good enough

How do I tell you
How much I miss you
Without you knowing
How I want to kiss you
How do I let on
How much I need you
To put your strong arms around me

How do I show you
I would like to know you
The way that I know that
The day sky is blue
Can't I just open
My heart so to look in
Would tell you of all
That I see there in you

No I'll just wonder
If your heart might wander
In my direction
Or the other way
I'll hope for maybe
And that if you glimpse me
In far away memories
You'll remember me

My illness is a friend of mine by my side he always stays
He hides himself from me sometimes but comes around in other ways
He's there when I feel I'm alone, but twists his fingers in my blood
Too dark and gloomy days I'm prone, he stays with me like all friends should
It's hard to say why he's my friend he makes me cry and have bad thoughts
But then on the other end, he ties my stomach up in knots.
I've lived with him for many years, he's never left me alone
And though he causes bitter tears, he wipes them when I'm done.
He hides his face from me sometimes and though I often ask
It seems my friend will never leave till he has done his task
And though at times, I wish my friend would just leave me alone
The way he shows his constancy is harsh, but all my own.

I just wanted someone
Who makes no demands on me
                       He doesn't want me for my body
Or to make himself feel good
                He doesn't want me just to touch me
Or have me cook his dinner
Or show up at work functions
Or simply to be a husband
                    He doesn't want me for a moment
A week
A month
Or even a year
                                   He wants me for 20 years
50
60
                              He wants me to embrace me
And tell me I'm his
That's all I want
Someone who doesn't want me for my body
Or heart
But for my soul
Someone who wants me for the
Rest
      Of
         His
              Life