He wasn't particularly handsome
No lovely dark hair
Or green eyes
The world didn't stop to stare at him
But I did.
He wasn't confident
Or proud,
He didn't spend his days
Being recognized or
Fauned over by the masses,
He didn't even love himself
But I did.
I can't say
That we were meant for each other,
Or the stars aligned
To bring us together,
But there was a
Hope
Of "maybe" between us
And no one else could understand it,
But we did.

Haven't felt like this in awhile
The anger
The sadness
The need for red
Running
Down
And
Down
For anything
But this
But I was okay
I was fine
The relief I took for granted
But it always comes back
I just wanted to be sane for a
Little
While
Longer

The misty walls
Of my shower
And cool hard glass
Of my foggy
Bathroom
Mirror
Know more secrets
From the tracing of my finger
Than I've
Ever
Said
Out
Loud.

People don't want to know
                                                 That I'm not okay

I'm not
Grand
Or rich
I don't live in a mansion,
just a tiny apartment.
I'm not poor
Or broke,
I don't worry about finances
I don't eat out every night,
But I budget.
I have money enough
That I don't have to worry about not being able to pay bills,
So I am content.
But I am not happy.
Money can't bring you happiness. Because at the end of the day,
I'm sitting in my house
All alone
Save my plants,
And I'm wishing
I had someone to come home to.

Everyone is happy
To accommodate you
When you are young
"She has some problems"
"She'll grow out of it"

But they don't tell you
When you're older
You have to figure it out on your own
On your own

I want to
Hold you softly
Watch sunsets with you
Kiss you deeply
I want to
Go swimming
And hiking
And make memories
I want to
Buy you things
Tell you that you look handsome
Wake up with you
I want to
Learn to slow dance with you
Your hand on my waist
My head on your chest
I want to
Spend the rest of my life
Loving you
Making you dinner
And
Making
The most
Of the time we have left
I want to
Love you
More than I've ever wanted
To love someone
I just don't know you yet

We can smile
And say we're fine
We haven't been sleeping well
We're stressed
Put on a brave face
But in the end
All we really want
Is to lay down
For a long time
No dreams
No wakeful nightmares
And rest
Until the stars fade out
And the sun grows dim
And the green grass
Falls into
The purple universe
And we don't have to be alive anymore

For so long
I've remembered all the bad things
I've remembered how much we fought
There near the end
How hard it was
How many days
And nights
I sat
Sobbing
In my room
Ten feet from yours
And wishing I had never come
All the mornings
With puffy eyes
Hoping it would be
My last day
And the long nights
With empty lungs
Hoping it would all be a dream when I awoke
But I'm tired
I'm so tired
I'm tired of remembering it that way

Its been a year
And I finally know
What went wrong
You didn't know how to love
And I didn't realize
So I always felt
That I had to earn you
And I was never good enough

Even at my best
I'm never good enough

Humans are just humans
Friendships are good
And healthy,
And fun,
But none of us is any more than flesh
And
Blood
You don't need to earn anyone
And they don't need to satisfy you

I know
You want me
I want you too
But it's hopeless
Fire and water
Cannot become one
The sky
And the ocean
Can never meet
Summer and winter
Know not each other's names
But I know yours
And my darling
Our souls
Have known each other
For a far longer time

I don't know what's happening
Anymore
Anymore
My mind
Against me
Like water on rock
Hot tears
Blinking
Down my cheeks
Fast beat of my aching heart
I want to go back
Or I want to die
I'm not sure which
Perhaps both
But I don't
Don't want
To be here
Anymore
Anymore
My soul is weary
I cannot feel
I cannot fight
I can't go on
Anymore
Anymore
For the first time
In a long time
I'm thinking
Of walking outside
Into the street
It would hurt for a moment
Then no more pain
Anymore
Anymore
I want to **** myself
But I haven't the courage
And I want someone
To know
How my mind
Is betraying me
But I don't
Don't want to tell
Anyone
So when they ask me
How I'm doing
I tell them I'm fine
Because I don't have the heart
To tell them
I don't want
To be alive
Anymore
Anymore
Anymore

How do I tell you
How much I miss you
Without you knowing
How I want to kiss you
How do I let on
How much I need you
To put your strong arms around me

How do I show you
I would like to know you
The way that I know that
The day sky is blue
Can't I just open
My heart so to look in
Would tell you of all
That I see there in you

No I'll just wonder
If your heart might wander
In my direction
Or the other way
I'll hope for maybe
And that if you glimpse me
In far away memories
You'll remember me

It hurts
Things don't
Always go
How you thought they would
There are
So many
Ugly things here
In this wretched world
That is burning to gray
Powder
Dusting the ground
Like fresh snow
But there is
So much beauty
Among the ashes

I'm sorry
I'm sorry that I have two voices
In my head
Interrupting each other
Telling me things
And I'm sorry
That I can't tell
Which one is telling the truth

Hello
   "Sorry, I've been busy"
I know
   You've got no time for me
And oh
   How your absence hurts me
"Okay"
   "It's fine! Don't even worry!"

You break
   My heart when you don't text me
I know
   If I don't, you'll forget me
I see
   That you don't really love me
But god
   How you have destroyed me

I just wanted someone
Who makes no demands on me
                       He doesn't want me for my body
Or to make himself feel good
                He doesn't want me just to touch me
Or have me cook his dinner
Or show up at work functions
Or simply to be a husband
                    He doesn't want me for a moment
A week
A month
Or even a year
                                   He wants me for 20 years
50
60
                              He wants me to embrace me
And tell me I'm his
That's all I want
Someone who doesn't want me for my body
Or heart
But for my soul
Someone who wants me for the
Rest
      Of
         His
              Life

My illness is a friend of mine by my side he always stays
He hides himself from me sometimes but comes around in other ways
He's there when I feel I'm alone, but twists his fingers in my blood
Too dark and gloomy days I'm prone, he stays with me like all friends should
It's hard to say why he's my friend he makes me cry and have bad thoughts
But then on the other end, he ties my stomach up in knots.
I've lived with him for many years, he's never left me alone
And though he causes bitter tears, he wipes them when I'm done.
He hides his face from me sometimes and though I often ask
It seems my friend will never leave till he has done his task
And though at times, I wish my friend would just leave me alone
The way he shows his constancy is harsh, but all my own.

I asked God if he loved me
He said "of course I do"
I told him I don't feel it
So how could it be true?

I told Him I feel broken
And lost and so unloved
So how could He claim to love me
If I didn't feel beloved?

I told God I was angry
And felt fear and hate inside
I never really understood
How to see through the lies

I told Him I was tired
And I didn't want to fight
Asked how I could hold a sword
When I'm bleeding deep inside.

I told God I was lonely
And I wanted someone near
He told me that He loved me
And He is always here

I told God that I wanted more
To be held and be known
I felt like it wasn't enough-
His ruling from a throne

I asked God if He loves me
He said "Of course I do"
I told Him I don't feel it
So how could it be true

I told God I was weary
And I wished to see His face
And if I looked upon it,
I'd better feel His grace

He said to trust His timing
To wait, and to be brave
And He'd prove it's not my feelings
But myself He came to save

The thing about growing up
Is that you realize
That no one really gets a happy ending.

Maybe
A word that ricochets in my mind
Maybe we weren't meant to meet
Or maybe I wasn't meant to break your favorite spoon
It was all a fantasy
We just meet way too soon
Maybe
You weren't meant to whisper "I love you" when we sat up at night
Watching the stars
And seeing the clouds swiftly covering the harvest moon
Maybe
We weren't meant to spend happy Sunday mornings
Dancing around the kitchen
Drinking coffee
And laughing at your funny ties
Maybe we weren't meant to see that side of each other yet
Maybe we met too soon
And there's a hundred maybes waiting for us
But for now
All we have
Is that hard echo
Of "Maybe you weren't for me"

Yeah
Being away from you hurts
The memories we shared
Still stain the backs of my eyelids
But now
I get to make new memories
With better people
Memories
That don't bring tears
To my eyes
And memories
That don't make me wonder
Why I wasn't enough

In my mind there's a version of you
One who is happy
And never turned to drinking
As a way to push back the darkness
A version that told me he loved me
And really meant it
Who knew Jesus like I do
And who made me laugh
Who made my skin blush
Instead of crawl
And who chose to be better
And care for himself

And there's another you
Who never said anything
The you who is still my companion
Who makes stupid faces at me
And takes me out for dinner with our friends
An alternate you
Who I never told what broke me
Because when I did,
It broke us, too.

There's a third version of you
The one who hurt me
Used my past against me
The one who told me I was beautiful
And different from the rest
The one who two months later told me to never speak to him again
And gave no reason why
This third version of you is the one
Who lives down the road
I think you do.
Its been almost 3 years and I havent heard a thing
The third version of you is the one who left
And the one that I got

I don't know whether to be angry at you
Or to miss you
But I know that it hurts that you're gone
I'm not sure whether upon seeing you again
I would slap you
Or hug you
But I know that more than almost anything
I want to tell you that leaving didn't make me stop worrying about you
It made me worry more.
And more than that
I want to tell you to come back.

And oh how I wish that one of the you's in my head
/Heart/
Would come around
Because the second one is my friend
And the first
Is everything I ever wanted.

I wish I could feel it
That deep longing pain
To fall in so deeply
Like drops of the rain
I'll feel it someday
Though I fear I will not
A happy thereafter
May not be my lot
I wish I could hold him
So warm and so sweet
But I guess I must wait
For the day that we meet
I wish I could feel
The soft brush of a kiss
I've not earned it yet
But so I will wish
My heart spins in circles
I wish he were here
Heart flying and pounding
As he drew ever near
Alas I shall wait
For my fairytale end
My heart is now broken
But soon it shall mend

How is it
That seven years later
I still see your face
Blurry
And in stone
And you don't even remember who I am?