I know I shouldn’t love you.
But I do.
I want to trace every inch of your skin with my fingertips.
Wrap around you tight.
Like a serpent.
Wishing I was all that’s in your head.
You’re in mine.
Like a song on repeat.
Over and over I play you.
Your stupid smile and your stupid stare.
The way you brush by me and your stupid ******* hair.
You drive me crazy.
And I wish you didn’t.
God I wish you would just disappear.
But the problem is I wish the opposite.  
I wish you were here.
It would just make everything easier.
But those few seconds of my heart racing.
And my mind flooding.
Would fly away along with you.
And I ******* crave it.
Like a cigarette in the morning.
I crave you.
Like a bad habit.

Sometimes I write, just to breathe.
Because my heart rules my head
And I'm so ******* tired.
Blood colored red. Hate in my heart, love on my brain. I cannot escape this crippling pain.
Someone help me, for I am sin. I cannot escape this darkness within.

My hands are numb and so is my heart.
Every breath of air I take into my chest hurts.
In and out its like running a 5k marathon.
My stomach twists and turns.
My head fluttered with racing thoughts.
Tears filling up in my eyes like a bathtub.
Body aches.
Laying in the bed straight staring aimlessly at the ceiling. Quiet and numb. I can't feel anything.
Nothing at all.
I want to scream
I want to cry out
But nobody will listen
Nobody understands this deep dark twisted pain.
On replay everyday for my enjoyment.
Maybe one day I'll wake up,
And I won't be depressed.
Probably not.

I can't breathe, my chest hurts.
I can't cry there is no tears.
Knees hit the ground hard.
Bruises inside and out.
Hands around my head.
Voices in my ears.
Words on replay.
Over and over.
Stop.
******* stop.
I can't breathe.
Scream.

I could trace your pains on your face
Your sunken cheek bones
blood shot eyes
Shadowed bags.
And to yet I still look into your deep gem green and see nothing but perfection.
The most handsome man to ever cross my path.
I am mesmerized by you.
Tranced.
You curve the outlines of my heart with your touch.
I could hold your hand forever
You are all I want
And all I'll need
You.

December was an awful month.
Obnoxious Christmas music
Trees dead
Entitled children
Slay bells ringing blah, blah
*******, *******.
I get out of my car
And my eyes meet yours
And within that moment and every single entire moment after.
December became my favorite month.
December  Is what brought me to you.
December let me look into your green eyes.
December helped me fall in love.
December intrusted me hope.
Now  I sing in the winter.
And I don't hate December anymore.
Because December gave me you.