This is no longer for you,
I would like you to know that
I am no longer for you.
I paint myself over,
I paint myself white
and I am clean and new
and I am free from you.

I lifted you as high as I could.
The next day my left arm ached,
And I half-smiled recalling why,
Proof I had done my job.

It came as no real surprise,
To be accused of doing nothing.
The only woman pallbearer,
Of course my body should be brought into play.

The aching of my arm
Was proof
That I didn’t let you down.
Until, of course,
That was the task at hand.

Colour me in and erase all doubts
That we're not living the life we ought to be.

Thoughts from a mind full of longing
Have suddenly been subdued,

I forgive you for not loving me.

My mind has been settled.
I am finding peace.
Peace within myself,
That i had hidden for years.
But now. rises to the surface,

Emerging once more in your shadow.

I'd been trying to do something with my life,
Any ******* thing
But i've always been too easily distracted,
especially with the promise of tangible experiences,
Like the seeing of sounds and the tasting of love.
He said just come round, what's it matter anyway?
And as I could give no answer to the meaning of life,
Here i stand again.

Nineteen it is now,
Nineteen small white pills,
And they won't do much if i swallow them,
I've tried that one before.
But if i didn't know better i may well try again.
Prehaps at the end of the year,
when it will be twenty glistening childs teeth,
I could try again,
Double the dose,
Triple the dose.
Slot them into a double scoop ice cream,
Eat up all my desert,
Then allow my soul to desert my body,
Once more, on a one way flight.

I'll postpone the inevitable for now,
Its what we're all busy doing anyhow.
But i've seen more in my short life
than hollow headed women baring their *******
for just one more drink that might help forget their boredom,
And sporting young men, desperate for attention in any form it may come,
Some form of reassurance,
We're glad you're alive son, we sure are.

He sat there in an oversized jersey,
and i wished he'd let me crawl up inside it,
To sit there in his lap and cry myself to sleep,
No, No! I've had quite enough of such foolish business.
It's in the past.
But isn't it all?
The past is never really gone,
I don't trust it for a minute.
I don't trust much.

We've both been through a lot lately,
Enough that we make the most
of distractions that present themselves.
I don't like to sit down and study
How a signal from your brain,
Reaches receptors in your toes;
Or how a muscle twitches.
And you don't like to be alone.

It's been our tradition,
The three of us,
Since we were about fifteen,
To modify our bodies;
(read: mutilate).
We pierce and ink ourselves.

You got your jumping Koi
When you were fifteen
Still in high school.

We got our ******* pierced in the last year of school,
Bored with the idea of maths or science
We wanted something interesting,
And that's what we came up with.

You came back to school
And couldn't stop showing people,
Even when they didn't want to see.

We all got our animals together,
My cicada, your frog, your bird,
The leaver's dinner for school was that night.
We were still rebels.

Then uni last year,
Two quotes in braille around our ribs,
And your quote in Latin
(which turned out to be Italian)
"No lies, just love."

Now today,
A new cat on my arm
And a rose on the back of your neck.

We are perfect,
Immaculate.

Procrastination at it's finest.

I am alone again in the dark.
I can smell the scent of my own fear.
My heart in cinders melts out from my chest,
If you were to touch me right now,
We would blend into one.
But you do not,
As you have not,
for such a long time now.
I never expected it to be fair,
But how perfect if it had been.
If our own disfigured selves were fit together,
Puzzle pieces that had gone missing suddenly found again,
Filling up the obnoxious gaps present in our lives,
Our picture completed,
leaving us in complete happiness.

Rabid foxes in the wilderness,
Darkened eyes piercing through.
Your hair stands like a halo-
You are easy to distinguish.

I’d take your hand,
If you’d allow.
Please excuse me if my palm grows damp
Beneath yours,
And the magnificence of the Sun,
and the Lights,
and the Excitement – barely contained in the Breath.

But soon the warmth washes away,
This hand beneath mine grows cold.
Stiffness floods the fingers,
Flesh becomes as concrete-
No more human than the pavement i tread on.

The foxes come to collect you,
And i must let you go.

My rat had babies,
five days ago.
They are eight in number,
little pink and black wrinkly fingers.
Closed eyes,
Ears not fully formed,
Wriggling on my palm
in the depths of their sleeping.
I came home late last night,
and i was drawn to see them,
so i went and felt for them, hiding in their nest.
A hair twisted around one's neck and one's foot.
Tweezers and pins and delicate maneuvering,
allowed us to get them free.
They are ok now,
but one wee boy will limp his first steps
even though i stayed up all night,
raising his leg and massaging it,
hoping to drain fluid from his swollen limb,
giving him kisses
and casting healing spells.
Good vibes don't fix everything.

I've had enough,
Of fleeting feelings,
I wish with all i have,
That something good would stay.
I've had enough of the bad.
Enough to write a thousand novels,
And still fill up every last journal
You ever bought me,
With the same **** thing,
Depression and anxiety;
I sometimes wonder
If i have or ever will,
Know anything else.
And it's so ******* repetitive.
I've lived this night before,
I hated it the first time.
Please let's skip this part,
Please let's fast forward,
Please,
This can't be all there is.

Dear R,
I hope you are doing well. I hope you are safe and happy and find all of the best things in life (i'd name them, but I haven't yet found them myself). I hope german life is treating you better than ever. I hope you make a million more friends there, though i don't really need to hope for, as you're sure to do it anyway. I hope you don't get too cold in winter. Make sure you have thick warm socks and sturdy boots. Sometimes it's best to walk on untrampled snow as it's less icy. I hope when you return here, or to Aus, you have a safe flight and get plenty of sleep. And that you don't get very jet lagged once you're home. I hope you read this. I hope you have a long happy and healthy life and you never want to die. I hope you wake up every morning smiling and go to sleep contented every night. I hope you feel full and content with everything you have in your life, and everything that is yet to come. I hope you stop feeling anxious. I hope you begin to understand how loved you are, by every person that has come in contact with your soul. I hope you realise how special you are, how unique, how kind and how loving. I hope you see how much you have to offer the world, and how happy you are able to make others. I hope every venture you undertake in life is successful. I hope i can visit your bakery one day. I hope you meet the most lovely girl, just like you, with an open heart and mind. I hope you fall deeply in love and reach a new level of happiness. I hope you spend many happy years together, perhaps marry, raise children and love them more than yourselves. I hope she is stable and has a good mind. I hope she is able to let herself be happy. I hope she doesn't doubt herself, hate anything or ever want to die. I hope you two never cry again. I hope she understands herself and her desires and her emotions. I hope she has feelings that never waver and are rational and make sense. I hope she is beautiful. I hope she never does anything to hurt or upset you, nothing silly or rash or unthoughtful. I hope she can plan a future with you that you both believe in, and that comes true. I hope she loves you unconditionally. I hope she holds your hand in public, and likes to play with your hair and that she's really good at video games. I hope you are happy. I hope she never lets you down.      All my love.

Look in one direction and i see mountains.
Huge towering beasts,
Cloaked in dense forest,
Until conditions become bearable for only the snow to inhabit.

I am sheltered by them,
And safe beneath them,
I am protected.

Yet turn around and there is no safe sheltering being,
But a vast expanse of blue.
It looks inviting at first,
Calm and serene and beautiful.
It is ice cold.
It does not end,
Not that i can see.

Beneath the calm of the surface lie Sharks sharpening their teeth in preparation,
Jellyfish with stinging barbs lingering near the coast,
Spines of the kina stretching up from the depths – just try and stand on me, just try!

It is dangerous the sea.
Even if you swim between the flags your safety cannot be promised.
Can rips translocate?
Can swells increase their size?
Do the sharp edges of the rocks beckon your fragile flesh?

The mountains now do not look so safe,
There’s nowhere up there in the land of snow for me to retreat to.
I would freeze,
Be covered in the snow,
Not discovered until an avalanche six years later in early June.

Those mountains are no friends.
And they approach.
Sea or snow.
This island is a death trap.
Inescapable.

She wrote about how to write a poem.
Ironic instructions in tiny letters,
Scratched out and scrawled in,
Words flowing as she flew,
Further and further away from me.

And in her words I put myself,
Imagine she might be writing with me in mind,
When she mentioned the girl she'd only just met,
with limited memories,
Of huge significance,
but also possibly no significance at all.
Because who really knows.
It's not the event itself that's important,
it's the value we place upon it all in hindsight.

But I can say, that every moment with her
Has held some form of significance to me.
Each time we've held hands,
It's felt monumental in some way.
And each time i've seen her face,
- all three occasions -
the light in her eyes has seemed profound.

And i don't know if it really has to mean anything
but i'm glad to have met her,
to have discovered this connection,
As strangely brief as our interaction may be.
Better to have known her little,
than to have missed her all my life.

*******.
All too soon I'll be crossing you off my list.
Do you even know it?
Are you already aware?
Or as ******* stupid as you look?

We're all trying to be ourselves.
We remain the same.
We say:
  "I am no clone"
Then wait and hope for another,
Just. Like. Us.

On another night when I can't sleep,
I am, for once, grateful for my solitude.
I've been using again,
wish i could say it were drugs
but it tends to be more valuable tender.
Witchy cravings
for love and fulfillment
sought out in the arms
of whomever might be around
just now.
and just for now.
No making attachments now.
I never asked for that.

and it's 3.40am now
on a moonless night
and i'm lying wrapped in a blanket
wondering why it is
I'm not yet one with the stars
or the trees
or the wind.

And i've got commitments to fulfill in the morning,
the real morning,
but my brain just won't let go of this moment
because you never do know
if it will ever come back.
and i never do you know
if you'll ever come back.

I realised why she walked so slow,
She never wanted to get anywhere.
And now I realise why you rush on past,
You never want to end up back where you were.

You fear that upon slowing down
The past would catch up to you,
Panting and hanging his head low,
Saying "It's taken me forever to find you!"
And you'd reply "Forever went too quickly."

If you keep walking in a straight line,
Holding up your head,
Eyes facing forward,
Arms swinging to keep up your pace,
And mind preoccupied by passing cars,
You won't end up back there.

Unless it's all a circle,
An unending loop,
And the faster you stride ahead,
The sooner you'll reach your end.

Where did my words go?
You nasty devil,
Did you eat them up?
Steal them away,
When I wasn't looking?
Sneak them into a paperbag
And throw them into a lake?
You left me speechless,
And alone to my thought,
Indescribable and dark.
And where did my movement go?
Venomous demon?
I used to move like the wind
Like the water
And the stars.
In my limbs i held
All i ever wanted to know,
And was yet to learn.
But you've taken it from me;
Immobile and mute.
And where did you put my kindness?
Sneaky serpent?
I was one with the world,
I gave and I received.
We shared and were one.
Now i lay alone in darkness,
Wishing i could change

Stop me right here if I am wrong.
Let's not just continue on.
Yesterday felt different to today.
Everything is stationary and everything is static.
Not the least of which resides inside a cranial vault.
Locked up tight beneath a skull.
Held up high on a spine which just longs to rest.

And those bricks felt cold against my skin.
At least no one threw them.
At least, structurally, I am still whole.

But you never did take me for serious when i said I loved you.
You never thought maybe i wasn't lying when i told you, you were my favourite.
The only one to listen,
Just another who wouldn't believe.

I do have some trouble coming to terms.
I don’t understand why they will never come to me.

It’s supposed to be summer,
But outside just looks cold.
I wonder how it feels.

The silence seems to hum.
I think it purrs,
Happy in its own existence,
How nice to be THERE!
I would like to join it.

We could have a tea party,
Us three,
Me,
the silence,
and the hollow cavity carved inside myself.

Take me with you.
I've had too much of here.
And this small shrub's not enough anymore.
It delivered as promised,
But the pain reappears,
And once I've run out I'm just left feeling sore.

Open the doors,
For the walls are too close,
And I must have my space,
And you're standing too near.

It used to be nice,
But now that drum in my head,
Beats only a rhythm of fear and of dread.

I can't get away,
For where would i go?
It's hard to find a place that yourself wouldn't know.

And the drum hits hard.

You don't know; I don't say.
I won't show; you won't stay.

The drum hits hard.

The sky is falling
Gravity lost his train of thought
Lapse in concentration and down it all comes
We see it drip between us
Puddles of cloud start to gather.

Where is the moon
Could he hold himself up
or will he be joining us soon?

This blue seems unreal
But touch it and taste it
It will not be denied its existence
As all we’ve ever known leaks from the heavens.

From the green of your lungs,
A new sound sends forth its shoots.
Roots down take time to grow,
But time is precious,
Time is fleeting.

From within,
A passing breath escapes,
“But I am not passive!” it warns.
And in the daytime’s chill,
Takes up a new, more solid shape.

Tendrils spring forward,
They were waiting,
Coiled within the lung until called to action.
And now in motion,
Grasp out!
Attempting to bring your final breath home.

Back home,
To the known,
To the comfort,
To the green of the lung,
Where safety abounds,
And no one shall be harmed.
Back home to the lung.

Growth of a new species,
Hanging down from the heavens.
Like trees or vines strung from a ceiling.
They sway from the disturbance of your breath.
Moving gently - hear a rustle.

Hold you air to see them still,
Fall asleep and see if you'll awake.

Spotlight eyes appear in the dark,
These hanging trees are coming alive.

Is your skin pierced by their looking?
I sense they will it to be so.
Pinpricks upon the cushion of your skin.

Do not struggle in the vines.
With every motion they grip tighter.
Pull you closer to themselves.

Remember how we floated that night?
Minds pulling up their anchors,
And allowing free motion;
An escape from the docks that are our bodies.
The solid encasement of ourselves left alone for a while,
As the stars invited us in.

We were friends and clung to each other in our journey.
Distancing the impending reality.
Separating ourselves from the surrounding truths we’d never really believed.

We flew,
And we swam,
And we were.
Drifting in eternity.
Aware of those around us,
But happy for the moment in oursleves.

Do you remember how we were?
So content in our secret movement.
Releasing our beings,
Freely,
Gladly,
Relenting control.

That night when we floated.
And we were together.

Remember how we were happy.

Who has stolen the puffs of smoke,
That earlier arose form my lungs?

For just a moment I saw them,
Then gone.
And now far above,
In a disloyal sky,
Glimpse their shape before they're hidden again.

Strewn around in a disorderly manner,
Your lack of pattern confuses,
I cannot decode you.
Organise yourselves into a system that may be understood.
Do so now, my lost little plumes,
Then I can read and re-claim you as my own.

The cooled breath of my winter morning weighs heavily upon the daytime's sky.
I am sorry that i breathed.
Next time will be different.

Watch the winter heights confusing themselves with my puffs.
As snow and cloud fuse,
Think of the Sun and await His great returning to the land of your birth.
And the happy days when the puffs are lit by His will,
Taking up new shapes,
Like the masters of dance that they are.

My winter does come to a close.

It was night time when we met them,
The Punks awaiting Pizza,
Outside of Domino's on the main street of town.
Myself, and two friends were walking home
On the lamp lit streets.

One called out
"Want a game of skate?"
And Josh, who carried a skate board, agreed.
Indie and I sat down beside their leader as we watched their game.

"How are you guys tonight?" He asked us,
"Good thanks" we replied,
And heard a little moan
The lead punk moved,
And from inside his denim jacket a puppy poked out his head.

We crooned;
"Oh he's gorgeous, what's his name?"
"Chaos."
The punk replied.
Of course.
We petted chaos on the head.

A girl punk came out from round the corner,
"It's still not out." She told him.
"What are you waiting for?" We asked.
"We ordered pizza," He said
"We're just waiting for them to stop waiting for someone to pay.
When they throw it out, we get free pizza."
We laughed, we'd never heard such a plan before.

The girl held three avocados in her hands
I asked if she'd got them from New World,
I'd been excited that they were on special this week
"No," She replied,
"I got them for free. Out of a dumpster."
"Oh."

"So, are you guys like real punks then?"
"Yeah guess you could say that." The leader said.
"We don't respect society, and they don't respect us."
"We've been crashing in abandoned houses.
Some landlord found us the other day,
But he didn't really care,
Cause we hadn't broken any windows."

Josh won the game of skate.
And we got up to leave,
"Nice to meet you guys." We said,
"Good to meet you too." They replied
"Keep safe."

A quiet place where it's safe to be.
Where no one moves or speaks or looks.
You're not alone,
But not invaded.
There is never a problem.
Never a trouble.
Maybe you'll like it there.
Prehaps you could stay.

But first you'd have to leave here,
And often that's easier thought than done.

Your head is a lake,
filled to the top up.
You can feel the weight of the water on your weakening shoulders,
And see its depths, and feel it movings,
as you grow stormy from within.

Even  your own two feet,
Fight for their territory,
Peacefully,
Yet defensively,
Growing venomously.
And ‘us’ won’t be satisfied,
By ‘happy’,
But would rather search out (for you, for us),
A heavier feeling to rejoice in.

Heavy makes happy now,
We are glad when it comes,
Gladder when he leaves.
But still, I see you yearn for his returning.

Come back! Come back to us!
I am a mountain, didn’t you know?
I can engulf you,
If I so choose.
Swallow you whole,
Covering your world to darkness,
To join me in my game,
Of non-existence.
You’ll find me in the empty bath tub,
Where the game is best played out,
This cold inviting tomb.
Peaceful,
Peaceful,
Quiet.

Won’t it be?
Perfectly still –
For once, For once.

I am a fetus within your womb.
Carry me gentle,
Mother,
I am fragile,
I am easily broken.
Shattering like the shard of moon and star,
That lie now upon my window sill –
Still.

I caught them.
All of them.
For us to see and share and hold.
Won’t you hold them?
Hold me?
Hold us?

And from the silence a gasp!
Awake!
Do not slumber!
Now is not the time for sleep.
Do not waste it,
This moment,
Where we are free to smile beneath the night-time’s Sun.

Awaken, dear allies.
I cling you to my side.
You are mine,
And if you’ll have me,
I shall be yours.
That sounds just fine.
As do we.

I hear you mumble,
Mumble.
Be clear please,
Clearer.
I’ve travelled destination-less too long.
Sometimes it scares me.
Please,
Speak a little louder.
Include me,
Inform me,
That I might know the master plan.

Perhaps I'll just escape.

Take naps during the daytime - preferably in the sun, but otherwise in bed and at best while being cuddled.
Water plants - in pots or otherwise
Stop and look at the clouds
Use their brains
Brush their teeth
Not shave for a while - just to see what it's like
Walk with a dog - preferably one you are associated with, not stolen from a stranger's backyard. Walks should be completed without the aid of a music playing device and completed in a forest for maximum effect
*Hug - anyone who seems like they need it

I am tragedy,
and i carry it with me wherever I go.
I am lost and alone,
at home and in crowds.
Pin ****** on goose-pimpled skin,
barely visible to the well dressed eye,
and less so to the naked.
I am the hopelessness you thought you'd escaped.
I wither with each day,
growing younger,
full of potential to waste.
Full of the potential desire
to finish this cruel tale,
I know now where it is going,
I get bored easily,
and such a story as this
hardly seems worth my time anymore.

Allow me to hold your breath for just a moment,
I long to figure the reason why you breathe,
And why it is, your heart continues.
Persistent machinery of wicked wiring,
And unknown roots.
I distrust anything that can work without rest.
It is not natural.
Breathe in, breathe out.
In rhythm with the drumming in your chest.
Stay in time,
Remain suitably in line.
And do you know it now yourself?
How it is,
Or rather, why it is that you exist?
Because without any explanatory factors
What s the point of anything at all?
There must be some form of reasoning,
Or you'd be able to simply slip off without struggle
As you wished.

How is it that the body can be so sure of what to do
When the mind is clueless?
The blood in my veins returns to my heart,
I kiss you automatically,
Yet I am still so unsure.

I've never been one for clear cut precision,
In the making of decisions,
And now, more than ever, I doubt myself.

They tell me I'm not making sense,
That my thoughts are muddled,
That I am not making sensible decisions.
But, was it not those same sensible decisions
That have led me to where I now am?

I tell you assuredly, it was.

Though my mind is muddled,
My heart keeps pumping,
It is truly a wonder of engineering,
Effective machinery
With no use of an operator.

I will sit here for hours
Willing it to stop,
And it will pay me no heed.

Sliced from forehead to toe-tip
i am the naked
revealed.
what is seen cannot be reversed,
for all your scarves and blindfolds.
And I fear, sir,
That you have seen my soul.
In crowed rooms you hunted me,
singled out my tattered being for your prey.
I prayed like the mantis
to a mythical power for salvation,
but your eyes, relentless as your hands,
made me beneath you and before you,
to come undone.
If smite i could,
trust this; I would.
you are no kind soul
looking to help the weary traveler.
you are, as ever,
the vulture in disguise.
I am coming to believe
there exists nothing else.
I am only of worth
as long as i am of use.
And lately i only feel useless.

I have vowed to no more eat that which harms,
And to the best of my abilities,
I do so.
I see no difference between the cat you pet
And the lamb you slaughter.
I see no difference between the dog you play with
And the calf you tear from its mother.
I see no difference between the pet birds in cages
And the male chicks thrown in the grinder at birth;
They will produce no eggs, we have no use for their lives.
I believe it is not the role of man
To deem whom should retain their lives
And whom should die for a  moments self-gratification.

Vegetarianism is wonderful,
Every little bit helps; less humans eating meat,
means reduced CO2 emmissions
and less world wide poverty,
The grain that could feed a hundred hungry mouths
Is not used to produce  single burger patty,
For a single peckish man.

But drinking the milk of a cow,
Eating cheese and eggs
All contributes directly to the meat industry.
Dairy industry is veal industry;
Dairy industry; milk, eggs, cheese all supports and prolongs the practice
Of killing and eating children.

You ask that we respect your choices;
but you do not understand that your "choices",
Your learned eating habits,
Your probing questions of "what do you eat then?!"
And your arguments of "But meat just tastes so good"
Are directly offensive to all we stand for,
And all we fight against.

To me, arguing that the taste of meat,
Makes the living conditions of these animals ok,
Is a kin to the argument that slavery is fine,
Because the work gets done quicker if you can use a whip.
It is a kin to the idea that **** isn't that bad,
Because it at least feels good for the ******.
It is a kin to the comment that women are inferior,
Because men could beat them in a fist fight.

You will instantly think I am radical in my views,
You will try to brush them off as the rantings of a crazed vegan
Or you will stop reading
Because you really do not want to see what I have to say.
But I give you only the truth as i plainly see it.

If you must eat meat,
Hunt for it and **** it yourself,
Let it live a real life first,
And respect that for you to eat,
It has died.

i love you as i always have
and as i have not always loved myself
but wish that i had been able to.
many things would've been different
my whole life, for instance,
yours too.
I am sorry that it is not.
and that you never could quite understand
how it could be
that you loved me so much
yet i was still so sad.
and i kid myself,
i lie, hoping i won't realise,
pretending it's all fine;
that it doesn't hurt to breathe in your absence
that someone else will be able to fill the void
and that i will go on with my life.
I am static.
Since you left, I am still.
You said to never speak to you again,
my mind disobeys,
and in my head,
in deep recesses i am able to hold you still.

I have an all too eager heart,
And a mind that will fall time and time again,
For what it hears the heart murmur.
In the depths of a borrowed soul
Whispers of promise and improvement
Echo around the nothingness
Carved and hollowed out there,
Forming a great crevice.
I will fall in to it.
Watch where you place your feet,
Or you may follow me down.

I must be blessed,
Surrounded by benevolent spirits,
Guarded by angels,
Watched by my ancestors before me.
This life cannot have been the first time we’ve met.
Some never find,
What we have discovered in each other.
We are a four leaf clover,
A needle in a haystack,
A rare and precious taonga,
A treasured gift.
We are perfect,
Immaculate.
In you I find a comfort,
That sometimes wanders from myself,
You are my closest companion,
and I learn so much
From the way that you are.
We are sisters,
Blood is irrelevant.
We are weird sisters,
Queer witchy feminists,
Living by self-developed norms,
Rather than societal,
The value of which cannot be overestimated.
Together we cannot be held back.
We are perfect,
Immaculate.
I will float with you
In our next life also.

I have no problems with reality,
Not a one.
For my reality has been kind to me.

She is not the hard unchangeable reality whom others face,
But an easily molded reality.
A reality I can all too simply alter.

My reality is maleable.

The paper goes down,
Disintegrating under the tongue,
And enlightenment goes up,
All these new realities i'd missed before.
The colours all increase,
Each sensation felt as though via magnifying glass.
A vivid, deep reality arrives.

The bottle tips up,
And boredom- bred of a mundane life,
And sadness- for no particular reason,
Flow out.
A blurrier and faster paced reality sets in.
Much better.
Much better.

And one might forget everything -
in my reality that is.
So many nights never truly occurred.
I had nothing to do with that long-haired boy,
The accepting of his alcohol,
The ripping of his shirt,
The kissing of his neck.

In your harsh reality truths are unavoidable.
Not so in mine!

Yes,
My reality is kind to me.
It looks after me well.
It will do what is for the best,
Erasing and blurring.
Good reality, good pet.

I feed my little reality her meds,
And we stay happily together;
happy in our preferredly hazy state.

I'm afraid of what these hands could do,
For you or to you,
And what they might accomplish
While your back was turned,
Or your eyes closed,
Or your mind off wandering.
It's a ******* misery
That we can't be.
But what if we were?
Would my stomach still eat itself with fear,
Would my nails still pick at my skin,
Would my mind still refuse to rest?
Or would perfection reign?
Rain over both of us
Till we were soaked through
And when we shook our bodies
Water flew from even our bones.

We were wove, together.
Separate strands,
Somehow entangled,
Tied together through weird fate,
And deepened understanding.
Things we spoke,
I still hear in the silences.
Whispers and sighs,
Heavy with regret.
How could you do this to me?
They said.
The moon replied;
“I am unsure”
In desperation I called
In what was I not heard?
Arrogance?
Fear?
Disbelief?
And I can’t go back
Nothing is ever really taken back.
Once done, always done.
I’d be a fool to believe otherwise.
This knowledge does not make it easier.
We were wove together,
It takes time to undo some knots.

I still repeat words you said to me over in my head.
And now I only speak in tongues,
For few understand the ramblings of a loveless madman.

I was running,
You were chasing,
You ran out of breath,
I never realised you'd given up.

We are hopeless lovers
Distraught in worlds of unimaginable alone-ness
And I only want you.
I only want you.
And you are not here.