10:17 p.m.

And still,
I couldn't bring myself
To tell her I loved her,
Because of fear of what had happened
The last time I loved someone.

Because of fear
That the part of me
That was whispering,
Shouting,
Screaming,
To stay away,
To not fall in love
Might be right.

Because of fear
That I would break her heart
And she'd break mine,
And we'd both go back to being broken
Just as quickly as we had taped ourselves back together,
Piece by piece.

Because of fear
That she wouldn't
Feel the same way.

Because of fear
That my feelings
Wouldn't be genuine.

Because of fear
Of repeating the past.

(a.m.)

"Sometimes I want to kiss you and sometimes I want to **** you"
Your texts run through my mind
Over and
Over and
Over and over and
Over and
stop, please just make the voices stop
"I really like you like a lot like sometimes too much"
how the hell can you say
something like that and then decide
to ignore me barely
Two hours later
I don't understand
I'm sorry
I love you
Come back
I need you
I'm lying
You said you hated me
You were lying
*******
I can't think straight anymore
And all of this is your fault
But it's partly
my fault, too
Because I knew I was falling
For a disaster waiting to happen
From the moment I met you
But I decided to let myself fall
Anyways
Even though they all told me
What a **** you were
How you would end up hurting me
And I didn't listen
Because there were times
Past midnight when you became so
Vulnerable, almost like you lay
Your guard down and let me in
I told myself you would never
Fall for a girl like me
We were just friends
But just friends don't do the things
that we did
They don't hold on tight to each other every time they hug, as if
That hug will be their last
They don't sing to each other
They don't harmlessly tease each other
Hell, they don't even *look
at each other
The way that we did
I looked at you
Like you were my everything
And you looked at me
Like I was something precious,
That needed to be protected
If only I could've realized it then
I should've realized that you loved me
From how badly you wanted to help me
From how you cried when I etched punishments into my skin
From how you would casually touch me, whenever you could
You would lazily wrap an arm around me, keeping me close.
you put me through so much hell
I shouldn't be thinking about you
in this way
I shouldn't be thinking about
your body
Or our late night facetimes
Or what your lips would taste like
Pressed against mine
I should hate you right now. So much.
But I can't
I can't.

Silver tongue, a man of steel.
My heart was his to steal.
Eyes as warm as the summertime fire.
Eros reignites my burning desire.

Gold eyes and sugary sweet lips.
His velvet hands upon my hips.
My soul alight with intense desire.
He is oxygen fuelling the fire.

Bronze body and a body brawn.
He loves me until dusk and holds me till dawn.
Oh that face, an artist couldn't have drawn.
What a loveable mind that could leave a heart torn.

One minute you don't reply

I decide that I hate you.
And I kinda do.
You just stuffed my heart
with lies of you're feelings for me
all this time anyways...

Then I figure, nah I still love you.
You will always be in my heart.
You will reply later.
But, I'm just telling myself lies.

I don't know what's eating me alive
More

Maybe its because I can't let go
Maybe its because I think TOO much
Maybe its because I don't like the way things are
Maybe its because I'm tired of waiting
Maybe its because I wish I had told you the words I had left to say
Maybe its because I wish I wasn't so shy
Maybe its because I don't love myself the way I wish I did

I don't know what's eating me alive
More

Every second that goes by thinking about you
Wanting to forget you

Or

**Regretting things I once felt was
Amazing

I love it when I notice others
using the same vocabulary
or phrases as me

And while my mouth may remain
a straight line
in efforts to portray indifference,
my heart is smiling
from beat to beat
because it means that
you held me so close
that a bit of who I am
rubbed off onto you

It makes me feel as though
I’ll always be a little part of you,
disguised by letters,
unnoticeable to anyone else

But I see it (I see bits of me in you)

I’m still with you,
and I wonder if you can see it, too.