I stood up for you and covered your *** too many times to count.

Sometimes I wonder why I did it
when you treated me so badly
in the end of it.
We had our good moments but that was when we were alone, when you shined a different way and after awhile that faded into the person (maybe you wanted it that way) everyone else saw you as:
selfish, mean, bigoted person.
And I wonder why I often allowed you into my life, and clung onto to you so strongly and why I let you ruin me/let me ruin a wonderful relationship until I finally gained the strength to let go of you and I remember:
I wanted to help you.
I wanted to heal you.
I wanted to love you,
in anyways a could (as a lover and then a friend)
but you wouldn't let me.

You are just like me.
I could not help you
because
I could not help myself.
Now I have, and I am
and I hope you can
do the same for yourself.
I no longer wish you hell,
I wish you well.
Have a nice life,
shining honey bear.
((even if you'll never see this))

there has to be some defect inside me
to only attract people
who do easily can leave me
without a fight.

I'll mask these feelings
in alcoholic drinks and cigarettes
in dim lit bars and busy coffee shops.
I am left to accept kisses from just as lonely people that I have never met
and never will have the chance to.

No one shows you the inside anymore.
It's all about the exterior
because as I've learned
the second you show the inside,
they leave and it hurts more
than it did when you were alone.

I hope it doesn't stay this way forever
because God knows we all deserve a little favor
and a little better than what we've been given.

A story on a faded picture,
One I've never seen.
A bright, bold lavender flower,
And a towering evergreen.
I'm full of dirt and soot,
Coming clean in time.
I think to myself
"One day I'll stand as tall as the pine."

I am trying to see a light
covered by a shadow.
Remnants of an old lover
That I am trying to cover.
Memories won't be replaced,
Just put on a shelf.
I promise I see you.
You are like a lighthouse
guiding me back to the shoreline
as I have drifted way
too far out in to the ocean
to find my way back on my own.
I thought this was going to be good.
I thought that
he would be my life raft
and I would float along,
and it'd be fine
but you get delusional
after drinking too much salt water.
The storms came
and my ship shifted
and couldn't survive the damage.
I ripped myself apart
to patch the holes
but they were way
too big for my skin.
I can only do so much.
He sunk, and at first I thought I would too but I am being guided back home by your light,
please don't forget that.
You are my light.
Thank you for being my light.
When you need me, I will be yours.

I can see the light in your eyes
when you look at me.
The one I could never feel inside myself
but the ones that I saw in others.
I fed into their flickering faint flames
that were barely burning.
Ones that will one day turn to ash.

I see a fire in you
that so bright
that it makes me feel warm
when I've always felt so cold.

Can you keep me warm?

My lips were numb the first time I kissed you
And I think my brain was too
I pulled your face to mine in the winter air
because I was lonely
and everything felt like a dream

I wish it was.

The second night I saw you
I got too drunk to even function
because you kept buying me drinks
and I kept drinking them
because I didn't want you to think I didn't like you

That same night you said I offered ***
like it was some cheap deal
made under faulty lighting.

I never did.

The last night, I saved you
from being stuck in Mt. Adams
outside a bar.
This time you were the one too drunk.
You walked to my car,
and tried to give me directions.

Arriving at your apartment,
and you parked my car.
We went upstairs and you ate.
Dumped your food
and I offered to clean it up for you.
Then you ate me,
even when I said no
but I offered to clean that up too.
In fact I had to.

And here I am regretting all
And claiming it as all my fault.
I didn't read the red flags
because my glasses
made mine
white.

Peeling my skin back just to know who I am
A soul in a frame made of self doubt and hatred
Searching for ways to deal with my head
Because most of the time I think I'd be better off dead

(Stuck on an island with no water, just sand)

Good things may come
But then I let them go
I think I learned my lesson
I think it finally shows
That I don't believe
I deserving anything
Because of my history
And improvable brain chemistry

I was Birthed in dissolution
A failed dark blue connection
Figured that was my fortune
By a self serving gyp-
see in his cold hearted confession
Of disloyalty and shameless affection

Cancerous thoughts make me believe
this is my prospective
A route seemed so engraved into stone
with no prospect of making amends or newfound correction

I can't be far sighted forever
Need to see the big picture
Write my own story
because my life is not yours
and when love comes my way again
I'll pick my heart up off the floor
and I'll make a new passage
I won't shut the door

because I deserve love in the form
of this secure homely address
Shared by spirit who loves mine
and all my emotional baggage

a second shot at love will be the best
for my vulnerable compassion
to make myself new and be whole again

This body seems unfamiliar when it's pressed against mine
Because it's a stranger I never met
Someone who never met my eyes
graced with a smile and read too deeply in
But that was not an invitation to put his "manhood" between my legs

His fingertips gently ran down my skin
then roughly found their way to my hips
and suddenly his lips met my lips
And I froze
I was scared
ashamed in myself
was it me?
was me not saying that I didn't want to have *** not clarification enough?
was me trying to roll over because of your efforts not a sign?
and I cannot believe I kissed you good bye in the morning.
In fact I can't believe I stayed the night but I was tired and ashamed of the body I was in and hoped when I woke up, I'd be a different person.
And I was.

I wish I could show you this feeling if you haven't felt it before.

Not that I would ever want you to but
have you ever sat down in the bottom of a dark closet?

That's what it feels like to me.

Have you ever felt like your bones were glass and you were a empty vase?

That's what it feels like to me.

Have you ever felt like you were make of cement,
heavy but hollowed out on the inside?

That's what it feel like to me.

Have you ever felt like if you closed your eyes there is the possibility that when you open them back up you will see the black is still behind your eyelids?

That's what it feels like to me.

My heart was buried in the ground
on November 18th, 2016.

Samson
You brought joy to my life
when I felt broken
and now that you're gone
I'm back to square one.
Memories of you
Never to be forgotten
Feels like everything's ended
But maybe it's just begun.
You taught me true love
And I can't thank you anymore for that,
Thank you for fighting
For one more night with me.
Thank you for trying to defy the odds.
I promise I'll get justice for you in this lifetime because This shouldn't have even happened from day one.
You fought hard, and you stayed strong.
Thank you for loving me when I felt unloved.
Thank you for comforting me when I was sick.
Thank you for staying close when I was upset.
I know you're always with me.

It comes in flashes
Like a video reel
Cutting from clip to clip
Of your face
Your smile
Your eyes
That laugh.
I can't go back,
and I'm strangely
okay with that.

My itching ears
But Your words are clear
That you never wanted
me to be here
Things you could have said
But never did
Made me decide that
I want to quit
Sometimes love is not beautiful
Not an equal effort
Sometimes giving all that you can give
With nothing in return
Is like watering dirt
But wait, that's not love.
Is it?

I do not pity myself
or the scars that have been made
from others actions
and my own
but I do grieve the pain
that I have been caused
by the people
I have lost over time.


In 6 months time
I am pleased in the strides
I’ve made in healing
and recovery.

The more
I spend time alone,
the more I learn about myself
and what I need.

In time I will be ready to dive in again
but for now watch and wait
for the waves
to shift.

For the trees to grow,
and for new life to
come to the surface
of the dirt and soot
where hearts had
once been planted.