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If I could lie to you I'd say,
I didn't care
I've given up
No harm no foul
this was nothing
And I'd say,
I didn't cry
I slept that night
It was all right
my hands weren't shaking

All these things I'd tell you
if I could lie to you
After all this time, I have learnt to write in the dark. See, this jukebox plays every night and it wouldn’t shut up no matter the pounds I fed. Such is the night of a writer; it goes on shuffle and repeat. And sometimes I hear your voice. Most times, it sounded like folding a picture of us and keeping it in the pockets of a stranger’s jeans, probably ending up tumbled and dried. I ask myself if it could have been a painted canvas. It’s just the thought of you that haunts me at night. If you ever do heart to heart talks, let’s talk about haunted houses. Some people get out of it; some don’t; some re-enter just for the thrill of it. I might be all three and I might not be the most played song in your playlist. I have tried several times to write about you, but none of them sounded right when I read them out loud. Some may write what they believe and some may write to believe; I might or might not be both. If I survived writing this prose, how could I be sure if it was your voice haunting me or if you were just a house I sought refuge in? The Northern Lights stays in the Aurora Zone; no one said that they’d ever Go West. Your skin on mine was like a child holding on to candy, I never wanted to let you go. When I wake, I only wonder if you have ever missed me at 3a.m.. I could make a mixtape titled: I heard you in these songs. But you were one who basked in the light. So I guess it’s safe to say that what was written in the dark stays in the dark.
 Nov 2014 Madison McCray
Autumn
I have so many issues
It's quite hard to explain.

So if you find that I'm worth it
You need to learn to stay through the rain.
 Nov 2014 Madison McCray
Syd
I'm damaged goods.
the mail-in rebate you'll never quite get around to sending.
rather you neatly sit it atop your chestnut coffee table, politely acknowledge it's existence, and try to remember to buy postage stamps for an envelope you believe you will mail.
you won't.
you will ignore it.
just as you have ignored me.
legs crossed, sitting atop the coffee table we never bothered to buy, scraped knees and insecurities that you have tried your best to deny.
the mail in rebate will one day expire.
I pray that I will not.
 Oct 2014 Madison McCray
Louise
it's the idea that you'll never see them again that will get you the most
the father daughters dances you watch again and again at weddings,
knowing that'll never be you
it's the memories of your childhood running through your mind
and screaming for someone to take them away
it's the thought that he'll never be there for the important things
it's the fact that he'll never be there to pick up the pieces
even though he's the  reason most things are broken
you'll forgive him anyways, because he's gone now
and so there you'll sit at that **** tombstone every now and again
talking to the soul who left you to fight through this world alone
and you can't help but cry and cry until you're finally able to choke out some words
"i miss you"
 Oct 2014 Madison McCray
Syd
it was the twelfth of october when I first formulated the theory that the world was composed of lines. tangible lines and invisible lines and every other kind of line that lies in between the two. the invisible line that seperates you and I from each other in your bed, two bodies and two heads and one line drawn thin between our skin. the lines around the outside of your eyelids and the scar on your jaw from when you were a kid. its a childhood landmark that parked itself on your face as if to try and keep it's place in the space time continuum of tragedy. the world is composed of lines in ways that everyone who's never seen the inside of your chest will never even know about. the wrinkles in your shirt and the creases on your palms are where I call home and your heart beat is my metronome and I swear I've never known anything greater than the line that's sewn your heart to my own.
i wish the sadness would go away
but it collects on my skin
like tiny dust particles
and it slowly suffocates me  
until theres nothing left
but an empty carcass
that longs for more
i saw some pretty flowers
by the road today
i almost stopped to pick them
but instead i let them stay

because when i saw the flowers
i was thinking of you
and i knew you would reject them
like you always do

so maybe its a good thing
that your love for me has faded
because now the world has flowers left
for some other girl thats jaded
 Oct 2014 Madison McCray
Louise
i'm not going to lie and say you were the first thing on my mind when I awoke
but i will say that i'm sitting here 2 weeks later
with my stomach turning and my mind spinning with the
thought of you
and how you'll never love me
you were always the last thing on my mind
before i fell into a temporary sleep
please promise me one day
it'll be permanent
if you asked me if i needed you i would just nod
but that would be an exaggeration of the truth
because i didn't need you
i need somebody
you were the somebody who  left me with my 2 am thoughts to fight off alone
and the demons provoking my mind like your best friend used to
i'm laying here replaying all the signs i could have caught before you left but i'm just glad you actually gave me a second look
but if i could go back and erase the way you held my hand or made me smile, i promise you
**i would
why
why do i sit in this parking lot crying
while the birds are outside flapping their wings
why wasnt i made for this life like everyone else seems to be
and why am i so alone
why am i always alone
and why wont the sadness stop
why did you touch me
why did you touch my body
why did you touch my mind
why did you touch my soul
and why did you leave
why wasnt i enough
why am i so **** useless
why am i here
why am i still alive when this doesnt feel like living
why cant i sleep anymore
and why does eating make me sick
why do i try so hard to fill others with love, when i cant even love myself
tell me why
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