It’s never been this quiet before.
So quiet I can hear my thoughts
Arguing loudly in the privacy of my mind.
Before that it was the buzzing of my phone
From all the notifications you gave me,
But other times too it was from the loudness
of your voice through texts when you typed
in all caps in a heated argument.
Other times too, it was just your soft voice
Just right next to my left ear, whispering sweet
Nothingness that made me feel special. Till
I realized you had said the same
words to every other girl you have been involved
within your past.
Then I shrink. I don’t feel special
Anymore. I don’t want you next to me,
I don’t want to feel second best.
Like you said, for me, its either first or nothing.
And to you, now I’m nothing.
So ill just go where I belong, where I can actually
Find mock peace within myself.
In the quiet that surrounds me.

After a break up, boys don’t care about you anymore.
They don’t care about whether the new girl they’ve moved to is your closest friend.
They don’t remember that it’s the same girl they countlessly denied over and over again.
They don’t care about the fact that your heart skips 100 beats in one second when then pass.
They don’t care at all that you miss them.
Boys only want what they want.
They move to the next best thing at the slightest opportunity.
They glance at you and smile, expecting you to smile back, but forgetting that they caused you the worst kind of pain you ever felt in all your years of living.
If you don’t smile back, you’re a bad person. If you smile back and your smile is a little wonky cos maybe you have just cried, then you’re ew or now they know you’re still in love with them.
You do your best to avoid them in the hallways. Why did you do that?? Now you’re the bad person.
Look what you’ve done to yourself.
All because you fell for a boy. Big sigh.

You didn’t notice when I was sad, your excuse; you had work to do.
You didn’t notice when I fell down, your excuse; I was too far away to catch.
You didn’t notice when I was mocked endlessly, reduced to the lowest of all.
You didn’t notice when I left.
You forgot my birthday. July.
My favorite color. Purple.
You forgot I had family issues. Isn’t that what you always do?
When I cut myself, you used it against me, knowing very well you were the reason.
Not that I expected any less.
You forgot I was right next to you, and more importantly, you left me.
You left me for her.
You left me for her. Again.
You left me for them.
Don’t you have a heart?
Didn’t you say you care?
Why do you always lie to me?
I guess its cause you never notice me anywhere.
So would you even noticed if I die?
Just asking.

Come to think of it, you never loved me for who I am.
For me to find out, it was just a matter of time.
Looking back at old texts, you really are just like the rest.
I thought you were a different kind. A special one. Rent free in my mind.
But you never once mentioned any personality traits you liked of me,
only the physical qualities.
I on the other hand saw you as my world.
I still do, but I’m not going to let you know you made me blue.
I like your smile, “reptile skin” (lol)
I like your eyes, your funny shaped nose,
I like your caring side, the funny side,
The smart side, (literally all of you)
You liked my “****” lips, my “seductive” thighs, my “pretty” eyes.
You liked your “stress….” My “cute” face my ahh.
I did almost everything for you. Almost.
But of course, of course, who cares about me least, I think of the most.
I guess it was a long time coming…

Darling.
This word.
You made it no more special.
You used to call me this, out of love.
Then you lost the love.
You didn’t tell me.
You changed the meaning.
It was my name till you wanted something from me.
Then I became darling.
If I didn’t budge, then my name plus darling.
That was your ticket.
You knew I was narrow minded.
I loved you too much. Actually, I love you too much.
You always said you were good with words.
I’ve heard. I’ve seen. I know.

Laid my eyes on u in September didn’t know ill be staring for this long.
I guess you don’t remember, but no distance has ever felt this wrong.
In November, you shined as bright as an ember, you are the only one that could keep my attention this long.
I’d been told by countless people, that your kind of love is evil.
But I guess I was willing to risk it all. Like they say love is the devil.
You had me wound around your finger, draped me in the finest of fantasies.
Now I’m stripped of all the warmth you ever gave me, it’s so cold but you’ve been set free.
I’ve tried countlessly and many times, to not look at you, not to give a ****.
But it’s just so hard for my heart to comprehend, is it the same you? Then love is a scam.
Now it’s the next year, another September. I still see you vividly in my dreams.
I try to act like I don’t care, but my hiding isn’t as good as it seems.
I’m living a double life now, my heart is torn at the seams,
I’m still coming to terms that, you’re no longer in love with me.
People have told me to forget about you in so many instances
But all I can do is love you all year round, from a distance.