Relapse and rewind
This happens every ******* time.
I've been neglecting the drugs,
The ones that were supposed to save me.

They only make it worse
Make me feel more crazy.
But when the time comes
Where my tide breaks
I cannot hold my ground.
The monsters come to me
With deafening sound.

Whispers from malevolent lips
Sound so sweet.
Like candy for my starving soul.
And soon I'm on that sugar high.

Rushing cherry red
It's got such a lovely flavor.
Feeds my hunger
Satisfies my thirst.

It won't be long
Before I'm back for more.

I've been laying in bed for hours
Pretending you were still here
With your arms wrapped around me
Whispering how much you love me
In my ear

I do this every night
Curl up to your ghost
Pretend you never left
Because I needed you the most

And I still need you
Because every day it gets harder to breathe
You filled my lungs with air
I didn't want to leave

But it hurt too much to be without you
And I knew love was dangerous
But just like you said
It's socially acceptable madness

Well I'm out of my mind
Completely off the rails
But it never bothered you
And I let this love fail

My teacher told us to draw
A place where we feel safe
I drew myself in your arms.

I've written about the wind
More than countless times.
I've always been so envious
Of it's freedom.
But now more than ever
The jealousy burns me

The air
How it moves and turns
It's free
And it can touch you.
It gets to brush those lips I miss,
And swirl around in your lungs.

It's ubiquitous limbs
Brush up against your arms
And weave between those fingers
it can hold your hands like I used to
it can do everything I can't.

but what I'm most covetous of
how it can watch you
and rest it's head against you
how it can twist in between the cracks in your smile.

the wind is my enemy
she is the temptress that mocks me
she laughs while I cry
because she lives in your lips
and you have no idea

A hug is so rare
The kind that can make you smile
And make you feel safe.

When I open up my thoughts and confide in you,
I'm not looking for a solution,
Or for anyone to fix me
I'm looking for a hug.

Because like you said
You're not my psychiatrist
Not my husband
You're just a boy.

And boys will come and go
None of them can fix me
I have to fix me
But all I wanted was a hug

Wanted to feel safe
Wanted to know you cared
But if you can't do that
Than I guess this is where we must part
And I will miss you.

I will miss dancing in your basement
Playing with your gecko
Listening to your thoughts
And what you have to say

Sometimes you don't make sense
But that's okay because it makes sense to you
And if you need someone to listen
I'll be here
And if you ever need a hug
I guess I'll show you the compassion
That you couldn't show me

the terror your eyes make me feel,
is unmatched by any physical danger.
no height nor fire could make me shake and drip like you do

and I suppose it's not your fault,
but I sleep in oceans and mediate on dancing.
your smile makes me fear for my life
and your touch makes me want to die

but please don't blame yourself baby
for you can't be held responsible for the tempest, she follows me
and this fleeting kiss has been an unmitigated dream.

but lastly that voice
oh that voice,
the one i could listen to for years
is but a siren song
leading me to the rocks where i am foreordained to capsize

My therapist says i need to be honest
i need to tell everyone the truth
about how i feel
what goes through my mind.

im so lonely and distant
and the only way to get close
is to be honest.
but i cant
im not sure why i cant

i cant tell him how im dying inside
i smile and blow a kiss
but i have killed myself a thousand times
in my mind

"surface relationships"
thats what she calls them
doctor know it all
doctor get inside my head
doctor please fix me

maybe im just a freak
she tells me not to say that
but the idea of letting someone see  my pain
is so terrifying

anyone whose seen me bleed
tried to stitch me up
stop the gore
or brush me off

and i cant do it again
i cant get close
once i do
they disappear
even if they didnt want to
they were gone

and sometimes im the one who leaves
i dont know why that is either
because im just a freak

i bat my lashes
and put on my red lipstick
smile and laugh
like a babbling idiot
when all i want to do is die
and i dont know why