why is it that headlights are so much more blinding when there's warm streams puddling at my chin because i'm physically furthering myself away from you? why is it that the farther i am from you, the more i feel like there's something heavy holding my heart tighter and tighter, pulling at me with everything it has to turn around and come back to you? i know i'll return to your side in just a few days, but i feel pages and pages torn from my memories wedging their way between my ribs making it difficult to breathe normally. as i blink away the tears that still are falling, i see that beautiful smiling face of yours looking down at me in your arms, telling me that you'll see me soon, even though we both know that "soon" isn't soon enough. i can see you desperately trying to fight back emotion after emotion as you release me from your warm embrace and i know that you'll always invite me back with open arms but that doesn't make it any easier to leave you here and now. every ounce of me longs to be with you each moment we have. i've seen too many times when two people are forever separated- and one of them is forced to attend a funeral that they didn't think was going to occur until their hair turned silver and their eyes grew dim. continuing to live a life absent of you would be the night sky without a moon, waves without noise, flowers without color, music without sound, kisses without feeling. i wish you understood how void my life would be without you-almost all would be vanity. now that i know how complete i am when you're here, i can't imagine what it'd be like to no longer have you near. i slam on the brakes as bright red lights seen almost too late and i tell myself to be more careful, stay focused, think straight.
that's one of the main reasons i keep pushing forward when i feel i have no energy left to spare-
*it's the thought of coming back home to you.

When you see me do good, do not praise me. When you see me reach out to a friend in need, do not reward me. When you watch my life and see the things I do, do not honor me. Consider me not but to God give the glory, for what am I without him.

You'll never know how much I miss you
I don't think I could explain, either way.
You could only imagine
How much I miss you.

When I open my front door,
I don't see you spin around
on the linoleum floor
Tapping your long nails across it.

When I need to go for a short drive,
You don't bark when I grab my keys
and slip on my shoes
Like you normally do.

Like you always had.

You don't get to ride shotgun
or hang your little head
outside my window.
You don't get to take a nap
and keep the seat warm
whenever I'm gone.
You don't get to hide behind the seat
as soon as you see us
turn on the road to the vet.
Every day you'd sit and watch
outside my window with anticipation-
probably couting down the seconds
until I'd come back home again.

You don't get to anymore.

I was so proud of you.
You never did anything worthy of punishment.
You only growled when someone tried to move you
while you slept curled up next to me
as if you were trying to protect me
from anything that could hurt me.

And the look in your solemn brown eyes
was all the apology I needed
to gather you in my arms
and tell you that you were forgiven.

The way you loved me leaves me astonished.
How you'd slowly walk back to me
and put your head in my hands
after I accidentally stepped on your toes.
How you'd continue to sleep next to me
through the restless nights
when I'd nearly kick you off my bed.

I had always felt so bad.

When your eyes grew clouded
and your ears went silent,
you'd still see my arms reaching out to you
and you'd still hear me calling your name-
And even though you became a little slow,
you'd still know when I needed you most.

I'm always filled with sadness
when I think about how your years
come and go much faster than my own.
How I won't get to spend
the rest of my life with you
or wake up each morning to your quiet yawns.
But I'm also quite at peace
Because you were able to spend
the rest of your life with me
and awake to my hand between your ears
reminding you that I was right beside you.

But-
Now that you're gone
There's a small hole in this heart of mine
that will never be able to be filled.
Because that small hole
is shaped for you and you alone.

With each day, it gets easier-
Easier to live without you, I suppose.
Because of you, I will never be the same.
I'm more joyful, more hopeful, less concerned for the 'morrow.

But this couldn't ever change
how much I miss you.
I don't think I could explain, either way.
You will never know how much I miss you.

Where is Gods voice, and why is he silent. Why are there no whispers or convictions of the soul. I ask this of heaven and waited for an answer, but nothing was forth coming. I pleaded for understanding and sought wisdom, but still all was quiet. In personal reflection and intensive study, I still could find no answer. Then when it seemed that no more could I do, I sat quietly and listened. In that moment, I heard a voice inside of me. I ask God is that you. The voice said yes. Filled with so many questions, I wanted to know where God had been, then I felt the spirit wash over me and I looked around. I saw birds flying and heard them singing, I heard the water running and saw the golden sunlight shining through the trees. I began to cry and I understood why the heavens were quiet, God had been busy taking care of me.

written January 3rd, 2017

"Hypocracies flood my mind, time after time

I'm not fine, I'm lying when I say these things in my mind are just all composed of rhymes and lullabies

To get me by

Time flies, yet compositions on white boards and ideas of how I want to be are at an intertwine

Inside - it's one thing

On the outside - I can't compromise"