i have learnt that everyone in my life is not accommodating to how I am i didn't ask to get molested i didn't ask to be molested again and then even on the third time i didn't ask.
but you 'people' make me feel like i begged for it
like its somehow my fault
i was 7 years old the last time and who knows how old I'll be the next time and mum i think you knew
I have a disorder now
I can't trust anyone and I hate everyone and I cant touch anyone

at least not healthily

The first time I saw you, you we were 18 years old and you were in jean shorts
You said I had cool hair and we agreed to start a band.
I thought you were so hyper and that we could never have a sustaining friendship.
But life's funny like that

You told me of your dad
Your hyperness; My sombreness
Our delicateness; Our humaness
We are girls too big for this world

And the thing is:
we didn't start a band
but as we go through life we'll always have each other's hands
Because we're scared as hell
And you might have forgotten all the things you used to love
But I'll be there to remind you as we're growing up

d'you know what m8
i cant ******* stand being alive anymore
i don't know what to do with my time
i have no one at all
i am small and hurt and this world doesn't love me
******* hell man i need to be so ****** that I'm not me anymore
fukn ell man i hate myself and my life and every person i know
lord do i want to never have existed and I'm obviously scared of everything and what the **** does it mean to be brave does it mean to be stupid does it mean to be normal does it mean to feel anything that isn't loss or ache or emptiness or bone numbing p.a.i.n

We've been reading Catch 22 in English
Everyone thinks Yossarian is crazy
But normal is relative
And he's relatively normal to me

i love you and i've told it to you so many times before
but i can't tell you anymore because the more i do the more i believe it
but you don't believe in me
you don't believe in what you can't see
i wish you would start seeing what you don't see

today my mother said i should get married and i can think of a thousand other things i'd do before I became somebodies wife

also, **** patriarchy and capitalism and all my ex's and my last best friend and my father and my depression

I love him and I don't want to I really really do not ******* want to but we're in the same class and it's difficult and even if we weren't he is in my head.

I used to be in his bed and I regret it because he made me feel things and I made me feel things and I don't want to feel anymore. I don't think I make sense anymore. I don't wanna be me anymore.

And I went to the bathroom and thought "Just stop it. Just ******* stop it. Stop feeling for him. Just don't love him anymore."

But I do

It is difficult to write with a heart as molten as mines
It is difficult to write with a mother hovering behind your left shoulder on the phone with her lover who I know means nothing good

I know he doesn't.

Don't ask me why because when I get into anything I start feeling so much and I am trying to not be a sponge anymore and I don't know if this makes sense but I understand it. I know and I am trying

I almost emailed you a link to my page so you could see that I've been writing poetry about you for years. But no one knows about me on here. Literally no one. And maybe I will keep it like that.

I don't have any followers and I'm grateful for the lack of pressure.
I do have likes and comments and I am so pleased about that. I'm pleased as cheese. I'm pleased as ****.

I hope you're thinking of me. I hope you call.
No one can call me crazy anymore.
Nobody at all.
Not even me