I loved her.
Before I even gazed upon her
I loved her
Before I was even dazed by her words of splendour
I loved her
Not for her ability to
charm others
as even though she just as often harmed others
Not for her straightforward intelligence
for she shared a forward thinking
dissidence
And not for her beauty & majesty did I love her
Because not far from often, did she bring cruelty and calamity too others that I did love
And when I loved her, it wasn’t because of her bountiful spirit
For when one drove responsibility towards her
she was both accountable and idyllic
her innate strength insurmountable & prolific
And my love did not come from her humble yet dominating origins
Hunters and gatherers roaming in forests
Nor her families evolution, amongst changing nations
into cultural irrigation, harvesting & cultivation
Yet my love was neither superficial
wrought by a feverish desire for atypical minerals
As it is evident she grew up to live lavishly, as if she were a daughter of kings and pharaohs, emperors and regents
Far from superficial
it went beyond my own existence
‘tis was it deep
And watching her grow up
yet older and slowly darker
it flooded me with a sense of grief
For that was the only side she showed me, and allowed others to see
But beyond the seas and ravines, ridges & fjords, she beamed
And that is how it felt for a time
her happiness distant and far gone
Looking back it’s blatant she was far from dormant
But I believe during that time she was merely misled
It took time to connect her heart with her head
And for a time it seemed she was finally ready to proceed
And that was all but my dream
for her
But in my heart, I knew she would waver and ultimately capitulate towards the darker times
I think, even though she was mature and grown
not enough time separated her from her home
a family always wanting to dominate and roam
The precedence was set
The credulous to fret
And even though it’s in her nature to align with basic instincts
I awaited,
like those in scriptures
for a sign
that leads her to brighter precincts.
Of this hope
it was something I dreamt about
until I was left awoke
It was a scathing cycle, hopes festered
with a heart broke
And in the depth of my despair
I was still convinced,
that behind her “politics” & warring nature with others,
that the woman I loved & dreamt, was still there
And you know what?
She convinced me
Not deceitfully nor schemingly
but seemingly
through action
She was on a phase of exploration
visiting foreign nations
and establishing relations
Truth was
All of it was a ruse
corrupting & enslaving
it was just another way of experssing her roots
Since then, I’ve never been lead astray, I knew it was just one big game
Even though I never believed that’s who she wholly
was and is
I can’t help but fell this is the way it is
Her being at an unbeknownst
war with herself
One that expresses all she can be
charming, beautiful, full of majesty
That she is the most complex & admiring existence in this universe
And another of opposite birth
One that can be harming, full of cruelty and calamity
And of this side I fear brings the other to her knees
And it ladens me with tears
But of this side of her
I fail to recognise,
as the woman I loved,
and it’s the only failure
I won’t rectify
The woman I loved,
the beautiful glimpses of allure,
that sparks through the impure and demeaning
Is the only meaning I can find within myself to breathe
But I’m lost
Lost in her mystery
Lost in the past
Because, I don’t see her anymore
giving rise to my love in the past tense
For I don’t know where she lives or with whom she spend her time
with
But of the worst fear I hold within my heart
is that the woman I loved never existed to begin with
That the idea of her was just a figment
of my idealistic mind
That all these years,
I conjured a fallacy of this supposed
“Benevolent”
side of her
so I could forgive what she had
imposed
And that I believed & fought so fervently
in her
because in hope
it would bring life to her
Whatever the reality
I will never put cease
to my belief
that I will see her
Why?
Because the person
of whom I am talking about
is
Humanity
And she is the most beautiful thing I’ve known, regardless of her flaws
My take on personifying history