Let go
and fall into chaotic bliss

There's this tune
that only you and me can hear.

You can sense pain
on people.
Like the smell of rust.

Freedom is the stars and the moon to the night sky

and what it a sky with no moon and stars ?

Dark .

love me

Like I'm your dopamine .

Endorphin

Oxytocin

Serotonin

and I will be

If you push me hard enough
I'll be your lighter
I'll light up your world
till my gas finishes

Freedom .

Words for a thinker are hard to construct

As doubt is the fuel for this mind

And my mind has been working none stop

As my words just ran away

I used to write and write

but now I doubt everything I say

I'm sitting with a ticking clock

Waiting for belief meaning intensity in anything to unlock

I walk with no blood in my feet

I sweat without feeling the heat

And now I think and think
without saying a word

And maybe this love
will reach you one day.
But, for tonight with me it's ganna stay.

Are we playing ?
Why don't I believe that you believe what your saying
can we skip these words
How we tangle ourselves in our own web of thoughts
in our own words
when we both know we want to go
together

there

forever

there

take me

there.

Optimism .
You are far out of reach

Cigarettes don't do it for me no more

they don't fill that hole
and now I'm in panic mode
like I'm about to fall

**** .

Cigarettes don't do it for me no more
I need someone already
I can't built up my darkness no more

cause these stupid cigarettes taste bad
and this pleasure I used to find in them is sad
But I just can't bring back what I had
it's driving me mad

These stupid cigarettes used to do the trick
They used to stop these rushing thoughts I think Until they left me sick

Hello
hello

echo. .   .     .       .

I can hear you sad soul
I can hear your lonely self
Have you locked yourself
in a jail cell for the sake of appearances
So you wouldn't need anyone
unless they come to visit
You show them how sane you are
cause it's a visit

come in whenever you want
come in to my soul to my mind
yea it's nice when I'm fine
Where lights and roses intertwined
but you don't come when it's closed
you never knock on my doors

And now I sit here in this jail cell
where I don't need you
it's pathetic but at least I don't need you
I sit here with the lights closed
trying to fix it on my own
trying to call out on my own
Like
hello
hello
all I hear is the

echo. .  .    .       .


I'm waiting for a visit
So the lights would turn on
But I wouldn't let you know
that they were ever off
So you wouldn't be scared off
So you would still come to visit

My heart and a far away land intertwined
in the darkness of this night
Under my blanket I can see it
a ghost of my dreams and my enemies
a land made of golden sand
where I stand
and fall on these broken dreams
I Feel it like walking on broken glass

It isn't a pretty place neither is it sad
it's just a place where I'm always at

If I dial your number right now
if you picked up right now
if I could talk to you right now
what would you say
Hi ?
I urge to explain myself to you
even if you never asked me to
cause you see love
the world doesn't understand me
And the closest ones to me they don't stand me
no more
How I stand by my ideals so strong
how I analyse the world on every little wrong
how I want to save the world but I don't do much about it
By now would you hang up the phone
would you leave me alone
Or would you listen a bit more

I don't think I'll ever be normal
I don't think I'll ever be able to speak these manufactured conversations by people who have lived over and over the same situations
and if you hit the loop whole
you start losing sense
I'll never be able to play pretend
is this ever going to end

We are okay ..
Are the words you should never say
to someone like me
someone who can see
the salt particles in the deep blue sea

we are okay ..
but the truth is we will never be fine
as long as I exist in your life and you exist in mine.

I will do .
and I will be .
Even if it's the death of me.

5:45 am
I have a little taste of the sun
From the beam shining between my curtains
it's sweet taste erases the salty thoughts in my mind
And I almost feel like I'm fine

Write... me
let your words describe me
How you want me
Write pages and pages of every detail
So I know what I need to become
Handcuff me and don't let me run
Force me to be the way you want
don't let me run
cause your pages and pages of fake description is better than having none.

I have to stay strong while you leave me
to write my own self
You left
why do you always leave
leave me in my tangled words
leave me to figure it out on my own
leave me to think about not thinking about you
leave me to my own thoughts of
did you leave me or did I run .

so comeback and write me
write me the way you want
Handcuff me and don't let me run

She weighed a 1000 pounds of trouble and over dosed on distractions she drove herself numb till she didn't know how to exist no more

She was filled with desire, crave to be free to give  with no fee. It was engraved in her soul radiating through her eyes ,from just looking at her you know how eccentric she was but desire is a double edged sword of pleasure and pain that would drive any constrained person insane . She didn't know how to exist with all this pain so she ripped out her own eccentric vain. And now she's lost in being another human that is just plain.

She was sweet cause she spoke words that were sugar coated and shoved it down your throat just like a pill, a pill to cure you but it only makes you more ill.

Cigarettes cigarettes cigarettes

Cigarettes cigarettes cigarettes

****** up emotions they turn me to the notion of

Cigarettes cigarettes cigarettes

Cigarettes cigarettes cigarettes

Really can't think my mama thinks I stink

but I still smoke these

Cigarettes cigarettes cigarettes

Cigarettes cigarettes cigarettes

I love these

Cigarettes cigarettes cigarettes

Cigarettes cigarettes cigarettes

I doubt my own depression
I doubt my own tears
I doubt my own fears
is any of them real
what's real for me is unclear
What's unclear is who I hold dear

I doubt my own existence
I doubt if I want you away or near
I stand alone and alone I fall  
and when I'm down  I have no one to call

And I doubt my doubts if maybe I was stronger I would have more .

You're manipulative
you are
I'm your friend
am I ?

I hate you

There's sadness in my head.
There's sadness in my heart.
I feeling everything ending without a start.

it rushes in me
this grin on my face
This grin it leaves a trace

there is sadness
and it's not going away

Deep dark blue sea of sadness
I'm drowning .

Imagine all the people living their lives in peace woah oh~

imagine if my touch can bring you peace
if all my love can put you at ease
if you let go of this aggression
if you had no sins to be confessin'

Imagine if laying here would be enough
if our lives were never this rough
if all this smoking didn't making me cough
if all we needed was love

imagine if you could live in a place we can't compare or explain
All the crazy people were considered to be sane
if we could fly with no planes
If all people were good , no one is being judged, no sinners or saints

imagine all the people living their lives in peace ~
Heaven exists within you, if you search deep
Let this world go , come on take the leap

No commitments
not even to my best of friends
I can't handle they way it always ends
So no commitments
not even if it's my loss
I've lost so much now I just act like a cool kate moss
so no commitments
I fly solo
Thanks for all that love that I don't want to go, no
But I put down my rule and I pay the consequences
no commitment
cause it might break me
and I might lose me
like I lost you

Change of hearts
I didn't change my mind I still love you

but my heart doesn't listen to my brain
And all the things that fluttered my heart
Now , are missing

change of heart
but I still love you

The way you used to talk
your eyes your brain you haven't changed

And I still love you
but baby I'm a bit crazy and I'm a bit insane
And so I can't keep my heart in the same place

I've moved on
and now the noise of nothing sits with us
and it keeps getting louder

but I still and always will
love you

Silence sits with us

Our attempts are getting so old

they're starting to dust

But I still want to sit with you

as if it's a must

even if your fumes

make my aching heart rust

I still want to sit with you

as if it's a must

Even if I don't want to

I still want to

Sunset flowers and the swaying wind
no.

Rainbows and butterflies
no.

It's just an ordinary night .
and there's still so much to fight.
but I let it go

In these
four white walls
and a dim yellow florescent light
I let it go


in this echoing noise of nonsense
I let it go


I smile not cause everything is okay
I smile because I let it go

Inhale smoke
         B l o w

inhale smoke
          B l o w

Rushing thoughts .. hows and whys imagining what you're doing right now without me.

Betrayal.

All the things you said and did.

Betrayal.

S t o p

inhale smoke
               B l o w

All the parts of me I shared with you ..
All the little things you do that crushed me
they crush me
you crushed me


inhale smoke
             B l o w . . .   .   .      .         .           .                

S t o p

I'm stronger than this
I know better than this
I shouldn't be thinking this

As the weight of my own fears coming real weight down on me.

* lights up another cigarette*

Inhale smoke
           B l o w

I shouldn't waste my energy on this I know better than this

inhale smoke
         Blow. tears drop down on the floor

Weight of my own emotions on my chest I can't let it go .

I don't care anymore

inhale smoke
      


.. .   .   .   B  l    o         w               .                         .

I stay here
                Alone
I've been here
                 Before
I stay here
                 Alone
just the thought of you and this cigarette.

You are an incomplete thought
a wandering boat
set to sail in my mind.

You posses that magic
That can take me away
but neither of us can drive.

You are all the radiant colors in a sun beam
you are all the hollows of the night

You are nothing I know
yet I studied you so well
I even traced the details of your smile

sometimes I give in and I let your hollows caress me

But sometimes
                      I Give up myself to complete you .

Let's analyze this and that
by all means lets spread these thoughts like a rash
I'm going through the motions like a roller coaster ride
Slowly going up to my mind and crashing down to my feelings
indecisive
Don't know if it's ever going to end
my mind keep workin like
I'm I forever alone wouldn't be better if I just get ****** be a pothead and leave the world alone but to my morals I stand too strong and with my head held high how can I be so wrong as to have the closest friends around me do me so wrong or am I wrong? maybe I'm just to sensitive maybe I'm like to exaggerate **** maybe I don't understand them maybe its me !!!cause it couldn't possibly  be that these many people are doing me wrong but let's stay optimistic smile and focus on what you want in life but what if all I want is happiness and that happens comes when I love and be loved and I've loved each person that walked through my life ive loved the details of their smiles .. but everytime I open up completely I'm no longer that interesting or they find it  easy it hurt me now that they know how ? But no this can't be true this can't be true I might be alone right now but I'll find someone true and when I do I still want to be the easy loving letting in people kind of person I am because I love the way I am it's just sometimes it's hard to understand

I am what I am
and I do what I do
I don't know why that would bother you
hold my hand
save the moon
let stay forever young
and dance to this tune
forget about tomorrow forget about today
forget about yesterday
Hold what u love dear
and with it just fly away
Drink up every happiness you feel
soak it in yourself till you feel real
whatever trouble your having it's never a big deal
cause what matters is the love
you feel
it will let you heal
The conjuring of the past
Would not make it last
but the presence of this beam you give
will make us live forever
and dance forever
sway to the melody under the burning sun
sway to the melody and stay forever young
I love you now I love you tomorrow and I loved you yesterday
doesn't that just make everything okay ?

Rain on my parade
Of loud nonsense
where each drum and trumpet
Plays it's own tune on it's own tempo
and all the big balloons
are popping from the intensity of the sound
The destination is blocked so we keep going in circles round and round
but with all the noise I can still feel the sharpness of one sound
One sound
the lowest yet so loud
rain on my parade of nonsense
so I can stop and look around
under the phony moving vehicles
behind the eyes of people watching so critical  
Heavy rain would be a miracle  
rain
rain
rain
and break everything down

I just want to love you every minute of everyday
So why do you keep withdrawing your feelings
I just want to love you with every meaning of the word
but why do you betray me every now and then
why do you forget me every now and then
I want to tell you how much I love you
When you let me in
So why do you block me out
I just want to love you
I have so much love to give
let me
let me
love you
Stop playing pretend
let me love you
I just want to love you

You can see me now
stripped down from everything lifely
you can see me now
my soul
I trust you now
so you can see me now
so don't        
            Don't you dare crush it.

Hug me.
Hold me.
Love me.

And the whole universe will freeze.
Just for us

You spark
and it fills the emptiness in my mind
I try so hard to walk that I forgot how good it feels to stay right here

you smile
and I spark in happiness cause I got to your heart
I've gone through

I'm into you
So make me feel alive
we shouldn't stay blue
if you love me and I love you too
make me feel alive

Hold on .
While I put on that image

the image of me that doesn't seem to be insecure
The one you want to be

Hold on .
While I fit in
it's just ganna take all my strength created by my weakness and a minute

hold on .
I did this before
it can't be that I can't do it no more

hold on .
I know I'm losing soul
But I know you won't love me for my core
if my image is all over the floor

So hold on .
hold on just a minute
while I pull it together

Hold on .
a hot mess isn't what I'm going to be forever

So Hold on .
while I pull it together

One
two
I remember to breath

three
four
your getting close

five
Six
That feeling hits  

seven
eight
I give in to fate

nine
ten
This ain't right ; I back off and I play pretend

I have to be what I want to be logicalize everything around me
you fit well but now you don't
So I move on and to be what I want to be
I put the reasons but they don't seem enough
I have too much to handle and letting you in
feels like giving up
So I move on to be what I want
My ocean is deep but I'll never tire from taking the lead
I've got to be what I want
don't you dare judge me
I've got to be
what I want
you have to be
what I want

I miss him
so who are you to understand
I want perfection
so who are you to understand
I've got to be what I want

Even when I fall I will stand
cause I've got to be what I want

Let those walls down

You're making me put my walls up

Why can't you just let me love you?

My words have failed me
I can no longer explain
From my own thoughts
I'm drained.

All I know is I want you .

Beach
sunset
hope
Yellow flowers
in July
The bright blue sky
in the morning
the way you're yawning
and that late night talk
when you're completely there
just raw
Is what I call beautiful

Where did you go ?
For a while there we were gold
young and true

what happened
where did you go ?