Hey
(It was sunny;
You and I dodged the rays all day)
How are you?
(You smiled at me;
I felt like I had a place with you)
It's rainy, today.
(You said it was poetic;
We spent the day with hot espresso and black umbrellas)
It's weird, not seeing you.
(Every day you hugged me;
I didn't like hugs, before I knew you)
I miss you.
(You are gone now;
We promised to stay together always)
I love you.
(You told me first;
It came like lightning in the summer and took my breath away)
I can't live without you.*
(I don't often tell the truth;
If I am honest once, let it be this)

Another day gone
Another life beginning
While I simply wait

It was like we were two old friends
Sharing insights on a shiny green lawn.
We would come here again, I knew
In our own red garments and tasseled hats.
All I know is that
As you smiled so genuinely I found
There was no one I would rather see the end of adolescence with.
We are kindred spirits, you and I.

at last, my love, you came to meet me!
at last, my stomach churns to greet thee.
so soon, you came, to lift my heart
(but deepen cupid's evil dart.)

how, now, my love, can you be with me,
through all god's tricks, which played you swiftly;
to whom, my heart, do i owe the pleasure?
but you, dear one, who came with leisure!

you deserve more than the words I could give you

Maybe I'm silly to be in love with
A grey beanie perched on
Golden hair
A warm smile and blue eyes
"What's wrong with that?" I ask myself.
Nothing is wrong with cold lips touching warm coffee cups;
I could stay with you on a rainy day.
I am in love with the softness of anything that belongs to you-
Anything you've touched-
Worn t-shirts and mugs with the mark of your lips around them.
I touch your shoulder
You flash your white teeth
Unscathed by espresso-filled evenings.
You are an apparition;
A gift from god.

I leave a $30 tip.

I watch the rain as it patters against the window.
It reminds me of you,
Loud and unsettling.

You take my hand and I adjust your tie;
A feat of symbiosis.

I whisper,
"Thank you."
But I know that I am not welcome.

Your eyes slide down my cheeks
Following the blue trails of my tears.
You whisper,
"I'm sorry."

Forgiveness is anything but subjective.

feel the muscles tensing there
softly hear my praises sing
raise my pulse, and pull my hair--
my body is a loving thing.

touch my neck: its hairs will raise
feel my goosebumps spread;
if your lips on mine should graze
i shall never join the dead.

but to you i'm only skin
and all my tears are not enough
to baptize me from how you've sinned
and how you took advantage, love.

Renovate yourself.
Whether it is once a year or twice a month:
Become new.
Roll up in your bedsheets and feel the chrysalis change you.

Don't stay the same.
No, don't you dare.
If you stop moving the darkness will catch up
Destroying your dreams,
Your love,
Your hope.
Everything that kept you steady.

Renovate yourself.
Whether it is once a year or twice a month:
Choose change
Before it chooses you.

Didn't I tell you
That my garden was not to be played in?
That there is a sanction of land fenced-in
Only for me?

Don't play innocent,
I know you jumped the fence;
You tore up the flowers I had planted
In that beautiful garden, mine.

Don't act like you didn't know
That the white pickets were
To keep out children
Like yourself.

I'll never forgive you,
Even though the wind in the grass whispered your name.
Rows of poppies beckoning for you,
Claire.

Don't ask me why I'm
Drowning in my own saline

It's as if the blood stains have marked
My legs and eyes and lips
And I've started wishing it was my own blood

It would at least give me a reason to weep

Instead I watch in horror
As the brutal affliction consumes me from the ground up.

Don't ask me why I'm
Drowning in my own saline.

I crave indifference.

You were kind and gave me kisses
And held my hand, and called me sweet,
But now your voice simply dismisses
My heart, now dirtied with defeat.

If I chance to leave this bed,
I shall have my way.
You laugh at me and kiss my head;
Thus I dare to stay.

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
I sweat as my fingers pound the keys.
My breathing becomes erratic, my words bordering on incoherence.
This...
Will be...
A masterpiece!

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more of a disaster as I become more temperate.

Farewell.
Shall we meet again?
Return, to kiss my heavy eyelids in the moonlight.
Lover, shall we meet again
In this grave vestige?
Will Gabriel himself deliver my invitation?
If you are gone
I will follow;
Seek you out in a sea of cyanide.
Farewell.
We shall meet again.

you were my first cigarette
so fast you burned, and sweet,
and made the spinning in my head
and sped my heart's slow beat.

when the last of you i'd breathed
and you and i were done
there were burns all over me
and an aching in my lungs.

I imagine you sitting in an expensive café,
Tapping away at your phone.
When love goes by with an 'Enchanté'.
And you remain alone.

Hot as fire your tempers rage,
Cold, the song you sung
As you move and as you age
I hope from Hell your heart is sprung.

I don't want to think that I'll be a Hemingway,
And Wilde was too sharp;
Parker loved a new man twice a day,
Poe's work was far too dark.

Homer never trimmed his hair,
Bukowski was drunk as a skunk;
Dickinson fancied her self as fair,
And Woolf's career just sunk.

I dream of being Vonnegut
Though Cummings mastered nonsense
Though when Dickens lines up to putt,
He and Plath couldn't stop at one sentence.

Fitzgerald knows the psyche twist
Though Freud will never slip;
Cobain spent every moment ******
while Courtney Love was on a trip.

When I think of my successors
(In Hell it must be tight)
I know to challenge my oppressors
I'll likely have to write.

Stop to breathe.
Let each moment count,
Let every heartbeat shake you,
Spend your time in gardens of roses,
Coffee shops, rooms with fading books:
Spend moments chasing hours that
Will never return.
2. Love yourself.
You cannot pour from an empty glass;
You cannot give from an empty self.
Don't wait around for those who say,
"I'll love you when you're whole," or
"I can fix all of you that is broken."
Do not believe that you are broken.
3. Love your neighbors.
Not because any man commands it;
Love your neighbors because they are trying.
And so are you.
Like them, you cannot grow without love.
Like them, you are always able to give more love.
4. It's okay to leave when they hurt you.
It's okay to go, okay to withhold forgiveness.
Some wounds don't heal.
Your worth is not based upon how well you heal.
Time has a way of teaching you,
Giving, in pain, the lessons you must learn.
5. Repeat.
You are never done.
You are never too far gone.
You will be okay.
You will love again soon.

Some day
You will front a darling little parade
And you'll be carried on careful shoulders
While your name flutters in the wind

Maybe I'll be among the crowd,
Or
(More predictably)
Waiting in the nearest bar
To read about it in the paper.

Maybe your
(Shaky, small)
wife will be there
In that elegant black dress
And she'll shed one single tear.
Not of sadness,
But of
Relief.


*"Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust."

Do you
Kurt Cobain
take Courtney Michelle Love
to be your lawful shredded wife?

I imagine her sitting across from him
Her lips stained a violent red
Smiling
She'd say what I say now
It didn't have to be this way

That's what's funny to me
Even afterwards she was composed
And maybe,
I don't know,
Maybe she was too full of ******* and hatred to really grasp it

But think of it this way:
Would anyone be capable of shooting up
and then shooting themselves?
Doubtfully

Do you
Kurt Cobain
take Courtney Michelle Love
to be your lawful shredded wife?

if i loved you dearly, then,
would you think to stray?
if i needed you again
could i make you stay?

and if i wanted you to see
my person, who i am,
would it pain you so to be
asked to give a ****?

if i loved, if i smiled
but still i wouldn't do,
if i'm not enough, my child,
what am i to you?

Passion is poisonous.
It appears, slicing into my skin
and dragging itself behind me;
A heavy ball and chain.

It is not action;
I am a prisoner of war
Bound by my own shackles
A passive affliction I never wanted.

The prison to which I'm confined
Remains pleasant and open
As the little white poppies droop
In the window-box outside the bars.

I had sent your world a-turning,
Laughing as it twirled away
So I feel regrets now burning
"Please come back to me," I say.

i think you only loved me
when i was frail and broken.
am i no longer lovely
if all my hurt was spoken?

and if i bear no danger,
and give you no more hell
am i, to you, a stranger,
now that i'm fin'ly well?

i think you only loved me
because you thought me small.
i think you used to love me,
but now you never call.

He sold records like
His dealer sold ******

I'm in love with a man who
Is six feet under
And gave up far too early

Cacophonous waves washing over me
White teeth exposed
The folded skin framing your blue eyes
Your laughter is for me
And for that I am honoured
But I'm finally old enough to know
That it isn't a code

You say the most flirtatious things to me
As if you don't know
That each one feels like a stab in the chest
And that the closer you move your chair to me
The farther away I want to be
To keep you away from my vulnerability

Never tell me you care
For I may just disappear completely.

Lovely lady, keep away
Charming men will lead astray.

Lovely lady, hold feelings in
Men are rarely genuine.

Lovely lady, never call
Men just love a decent brawl.

Lovely lady, don’t fall in love
He’ll be gone, push-comes-to-shove.

Lovely lady, I’d throw a punch
Did I not love them so ******* much!

My brain speaks in a whisper:
"You should be angry;
He should be afraid."

My lips speak just loud enough to hear:
"I don't love him;
He never loved me."

My heart beats thunderously in my chest:
"He is the best thing that's ever happened to you;
How could you ever forget?"

I got drunk and told you
The stars couldn't possibly hang without you
I got high and told you
The sun rose to say hello to you
I got angry and told you
That the moon crashed to the Earth in your tears
I got a boyfriend and told you
The lunar eclipse would come someday soon
I got tired and I told you
The constellations hung in your irises
I got depressed and told you
That you were my pluto
I got lonely and I told you
The stars had already died

i want to build new things
out of what you left me
but these bycicle tires are flat and
you smashed my teacups against the wall

i want to build new things
out of what you left me
but my voice is flat and
you smashed my heart against the wall

You're a child
In the way I have to swat your hand away
I tell you:
Stop! Keep your hands to yourself!
You continue reaching
And I would kindly have at you with a belt
"I'm over him," you said.

my hands are pale that clutch your sleeve;
my heart a bird, and nature pecks it.
i beg that you will never leave--
you take a bow and make your exit.

Everything is tired--
So tired

And my words refuse to form epics
And my lips refuse to form words
And my eyes don't glow
And I roll out of bed to cold tile
And sharp white lines

And the keys don't fit in the door any more
And your lips don't curl
And you don't see me
And you don't speak
And I don't worry

Because I loved you too fiercely
Because you didn't love me
Because I was cold
Because I couldn't swallow the pills any more

Everything is tired--
So tired--
Because I still dream you between my bedsheets.

please forgive me when I find someone new to hold

Never will he love my lips
    Never will he dote and fawn
And now I seek his fingertips
    Lying lonely in the lawn

Steal a glance my way,
Darling,
You'll never look too long.

And take my missing sleep,
My love,
It'll only make me strong

You can keep a shirt or two
Love of mine,
Just swipe one from my drawer

Rob me of my books,
My pet,
For I can read no more

Take my ridiculous social constructs,
Baby,
They're useless anyhow.

And you can have my money,
My dear,
Don't pay me back, now.

Steal a kiss or two,
Dear love,
But never kiss and tell.

But never steal my heart,
Lover,
I'll never want it back.

Are we
Sheep
To be herded in lines
Sheared of all that makes us valuable
Powerless

Legs weak and pink
We hold ourselves as tall as we can
Transfigured to be the same as everyone else
Unsatisfied

Bleating feebly from hoarse throats
Brushing up against each other desperately
Tufts of hair shooting from thin bodies
Alone

Led off to slaughter
*Freed

Oh, from a starving lady to a man,
This can't be more than just a little show!
Say then, what if there is some higher plan?
Don't say you'll love a girl who you don't know!
I cannot say your love is false or dull,
Nor can I ever say she's not a dame
But I can say my heart is twice as full
Of poems that are titled with your name.

So, if the words you say to her are true,
Then you go have your fun and I will stay--
Outside and all alone and without you,
My heart will sing those words you'll never say.
My love is thus-- My love is always so
That what is in your heart I'll never know.

Love is in the air.

Little pollen fibres floating with
Drifting dust motes
Small and invisible
Were it not for
Light refracting on a window pane
Socks with a positive charge
Metal doorhandles

My body's whispers for oxygen become shouts;
Suffocation.

Love is in the air.

Every year my family gathers around the kitchen table
(boxed wine and chatter
about distant binge-drinking aunts)
When I was young my sister carved the turkey
(swatted my hand when I reached for
the carving knife. "I want to do it this year!")
I am in her place at the kitchen table
(boxed wine and chatter
about the bruises on my knees)
I will forever stand in the kitchen
(no one swats my hand when I reach for
the carving knife. "Maybe I'll do it this year.")

I am not one to pass a fancy
But more of one to slip and fall
Let them rise and smile to greet me-
Watch me how I'll never call.

I have been there, surely waiting
As the phone sits still as pain--
Here I go, without complaining
And here I do to him the same.

Let his love be thoughtful, touching
Telling me it never quits-
Then watch me, mascara running
As I dash that heart to bits!

L'Envoi:

Ruthlessly began the cycle
When that man stood by, stood by,
Pray for help to God and Michael-
And kiss your heart good-bye, good-bye.

i don't remember how to write
without you.
my words used to flow and,
might i add,
attract the eyes of many

i write from where it hurts the most--
from deep in the pit of my stomach
and there is still hurt to write about, yes,
but it lingers on the notches of my spine
so
the pain is too close to my bedsheets to do a ****** thing.

i miss you now from my stomach
where the love once lay its head

"I can't,"
You said,
"I'm sorry."*

I gave you everything
And now I'm left with nothing.

So perhaps, love,
This is for the best.
Let us see the end
Before we begin.

I'm not trying to hurt you.
What you said
And what you did
Are distant and unparalleled planes of reality

I'm not trying to hurt you.
As if my pain was not your goal
But ultimately a consequence of your arrogant carelessness.

I'm not trying to hurt you.
But you did
With impressive efficiency
And you shredded my concept of trust

I'm not trying to hurt you.
Maybe not,
But I've never been more hurt in my life

I'm not trying to hurt you.*
You took the confidence that filled my chest
And in return I got existential dread