Every time it comes to mind
I remember what you taste like
-Our warm embrace-
The curvature of your lips is etched into my memory

And that night we laid there,
head on my shoulder
Your body pressed against mine

Please don't think me naive
Just for remembering

puffs of snow
on drooping branches
.
.
.
.
.
.
for the last time

I can feel sleep tugging on me slightly

Like the pleasant little ripples that lay on top of deeper water

Small remnants of something larger and more powerful

All of a sudden
a great warm wave grasps my body

Transforming into a little leaf or a tiny shell
I am carried weightless into the great warm abyss

Once there, I will float limply for a time

Simply waiting for the new sun to reach my face

I feel as if I'm in a straight jacket

Squirming on the linoleum floor

And all I can see are those white walls

Flickering in the florescent. . .

****

**** the cruelty of a world made up of rows of white walls

And all you paper people

Typing as you decay

I will be better

I will

Go

Beyond

You

most of what i do is just a distraction from the apparent reality that there's no good reason to be doing it.

I am but a warm breeze
Passing
plaintively
Searching for that momentary ecstacy

forever
slightly out of reach

Find something you like
It should be a place, an experience
First be attentive to it in all its detail
Concentrate with all your will on every aspect of it's being
And then
Release
And fall into it
Allowing it to envelope you
Sink down
Down
Like a stone
Be heavy
And be

Punch the wall
Throw yourself against it
It will not break.

It's all going to be okay
It's all going to be okay
It's all going to be okay

that's what I keep telling myself

even though I know
no one's here to stop my tears
from trickling down
and drip drip dropping from my chin

It's all going to be okay
It's all going to be okay
It's all going to be okay

if your eyes cry then you have seen
if your heart stops then you have felt
if your soul screams then you have been

if your eyes smile then you have seen
if your heart beats then you have felt
if your soul, like the sun
shines with a comforting warmth
then you have been

so stuck in our heads sometimes
Like walking into another room with
Windows and books on the shelf and
Plain walls

And when the walls shimmer away
hold our breath
Taken
reclaim what it is To
be
Captive

Odd that freedom engenders slavery
They embrace in us
And Chase us like foxes

We are but flesh
Embracing on the
Precipice of silence

Words in the dark


Illuminate

stop trying to live in someone else's reality
as if they could know you
or contain you

After the leaves fall
And all goes silent

Summer's warm breeze is carried in our breath
And a harmony of voices
like candles
Ring wanly through the frigid night

Two bodies embracing
Find warmth in eachother
We become what was lost

cracked and ashen dying tree
cold and broken, our anguished keen
roots unsevered lead the way
to time’s ending, and daylight stay
four undoing must be five
what has withered, can be revived

Close your eyes and conjure a calm breeze within your mind
Feel it's soft warmth on your cheek, and fingers softly sifting through your hair
And now the grass between your toes on the cool damp ground

Know that you are nowhere
Out of sight
Out of grasp

There is always pain
And
   every
    single
     person
on this brown Earth has known it

But when I find the nowhere in my mind, I know

That all must pass with time

I wonder sometimes
how it all could've mattered so much. . . .

but then I think of the feeling-

-I remember what it was like
with my head on your chest,
tracing fingers round and round,
goosebumps on my skin. . . .

I can't even bring myself to say your name,
but

I wish I could feel you again.

I'm running.
I have been for a while, I think.

I'm just trying to find a place
Where joy outweighs my suffering

I don't think it's real, though.
Not really.
If It existed, I would already have it

Because it's all in your head, as far as I can tell.
There's no "where" better than "here"
Because here is the only where there is.

****.

seems like it's today again.

i'm worried about what comes tomorrow
but today isn't even through.

we're all caught up in the "now will be tomorrow's yesterday,"
asking "when?" over and over again, you know?

it feels odd that it's never really been "tomorrow" or "yesterday,"
because no moment has ever not been "now"

but my mind's chasing its tail again. . . .

it's better to just get on with my "now,"
'cause thinking's the problem, really,
it's always been.

a blanket of snow
On the silent tree

all must pause

Let the words fall from your lips
Like drips from the rooftop
rhythmic, but without melody

Oh the cold drops on  my neck

But I am a rising tide
To wash us away
Like little the little shells

you filled me
in a single moment

with the taste of vanilla
and feet sliding playfully over the mossy river stones
and white sunlight through the window shades

our dreaming starts when sleeping ceases

fill me
again

please

In naive defiance
Our treasures glitter in the sinking sun

Are they still mine
After you've gone?

The memories of the golden time
When two were one

sometimes I wish I wasn't awake for this dream.

Love is a violent thing.
Here we are
******* and fighting and bleeding,
Addicted to the feeling.

I bestow upon you my most beloved possessions
These kisses I plant on your cheek and lips and neck and chest
How lovely we are together
how lovely

Having trouble
Sometimes being is hard because....
But you can't stop being
And I don't know what's going on.

Sweet melancholy
Lips so sweet
I curl into your soft embrace
But your arms won't contain me
For I am a restless beast

I wonder if that thing is a someone
like the other someones i know...

we look through each other with indifferent eyes
like the gray winter rain that
blurrs the landscape of our minds
become unfamiliar once again.

but we can take comfort in misunderstandings

and pretend to know what it is

that makes us anything

but somebody else's

someone

Laying in the dark
What odd shapes we  make
And how cruel, that
when one is feeling
Something so sweet
There is also loss
Of what isn't
Of what used to be

only world worth
existing
you create yourself.

Words pass

through soft lips

So adoringly

And run down your cheek

And

Our eyes begin to dance

Some bridges are made of glass.
how stupid I was
to place trust in something so fragile....

I know you did nothing wrong,
But it still hurts.

Now that we are drunk
on the wine of gods,
can we put the bottle down?

what are we
this flesh?
twisted and stretched
to contain all our humanity

am i not what I say i am
certainly not what I think i am
but in this midnight twisting
I am you
and you me

nothing makes sense but some things seem to
be
like the twisted flesh in the midnight

without thought
of what
are we

Dont leave me alone in my head
This ******* constant anxiety
Always
Driving me insane
Dont leave me
Cause I'm screaming
But i cant make a sound

How have I, up until this moment
Never felt my own heartbeat
And been stricken by its presence
Odd
What a horrifying idea

I am something new and without a story
An empty mold
Because the warm sun touched my face
But there's a part missing
Some memories I didn't make
From the time when I should've been there
But I wasn't anywhere at all.

Infatuation is exhilerating
And often deceiving
But i wont stop thinking about your smile
Although we

Never again

Will meet

The condition of existence
To run like a light
From its shadows

memory is not
and how can it be
-like this corpse-
what i call
me

i am not here
i am not here
i am not here

Be like sand
Breaking and shifting under the tide
Stagnation is a sin to me
I am movement
I am flux

Tomorrow,
I will think of these interesting days
And wish for them to be new again.

These odd days of
mixed joy and suffering
They have a quality of more-ness, somehow
As if each day could be two.

And when, again, I am in the droning
Repetitive swirl
Then I will wish for these days again.

Wanderlust
How your eyes dance bright
And your body twists in the sunrise
I would run to the east with no thought of ceasing
If you would twist with me in the midnight
That eastward light, the burning lust within me
How long will you dance, barely out of reach

I can't tell what's real
Eleventeen crows
With dogs on either side
Fly by the
Empty church on a Sunday night

Cause my head's a blur
Of black dogs chasing white crows through the dark sky
Where the bark
Is my head headed

**** me
And al-so *******
I'm a butterfly
And my poem is better than yours too.

I'm on drugs
Just not the kind you think
They help me with my feelings
And keep me from the brink
Of some in-sane
Dicis-ion-making

Like wearing shirts back
To front
And in
Side out

and other things...

nothing's real

One setback from suicide
All I feel
What's my death worth
All I feel
Be my bullet please
Love
Come into me
love
Save me

Im not

human

I'm not

human

Hollow and plastic
Can you hear my heart ticking?
Tick tick in my hollow
Empty

I'm not

human

I'm not

human