alabaster flesh
crumbles at your touch
and streams of pure feeling
flow through the cracks

blow breath into my lungs, and
invade me with your warmth
let your blood run through my veins
my heart pounding at your touch

I am yours to use, please
put me to your ends
my body is yours to shape,
take my flesh your hands

be my sculptor, love
make me what I am

Is this your body?
it isn't mine.

I think I must be wearing your skin
Because all I want to do is tear it off
Piece by bleeding piece

Take it back please

I wish I could fall, love,
Into your embrace

And feel you envelop me


But I have been captured
By time and these walls

I have built to protect me


Don't wait for me, my love,
The rain is falling

Don't let your time wash away

the trickling stream
in cool bliss, I close my eyes
my mind is floating

I will never be normal enough for you,
so **** your normal

Before, I was different.
Tomorrow, I will be different than I am today.
Even so,

I hope that I will remember what I was like
After today has faded into yesterday.

That I will not forget what it was to be me
In this present moment

Because once tomorrow comes, today will be forever trapped behind the pane of glass that separates present from past.
I want to remember how to feel that which can no longer be touched, to see that which is no longer visible, to hear that which is no longer audible.

Then, maybe
I won't have to spend so long staring through that impenetrable pane of glass

Because I will remember

Why do I always wear blue
Rain jackets
On sunny summer days
And pretend . . .

The stormy weather is only in my mind

It's all going to be okay
It's all going to be okay
It's all going to be okay

that's what I keep telling myself

even though I know
no one's here to stop my tears
from trickling down
and drip drip dropping from my chin

It's all going to be okay
It's all going to be okay
It's all going to be okay

cracked and ashen dying tree
cold and broken, our anguished keen
roots unsevered lead the way
to time’s ending, and daylight stay
four undoing must be five
what has withered, can be revived

I'm running.
I have been for a while, I think.

I'm just trying to find a place
Where joy outweighs my suffering

I don't think it's real, though.
Not really.
If It existed, I would already have it

Because it's all in your head, as far as I can tell.
There's no "where" better than "here"
Because here is the only where there is.

****.

It's 3am and I miss you
.
. . . . When your arms held
my fractured being
Stopped me from filing apart. . . .
.
But now you're gone
and I can't sleep.

Take my hand

And we'll create a world within each other

Someplace to hide

To escape the memories that haunt us

Someplace the past cannot find.

I wonder sometimes
how it all could've mattered so much. . . .

but then I think of the feeling-

-I remember what it was like
with my head on your chest,
tracing fingers round and round,
goosebumps on my skin. . . .

I can't even bring myself to say your name,
but

I wish I could feel you again.

The end is sand
Carried
On wandering winds

To nowhere in particular.

Love is a violent thing.
Here we are
******* and fighting and bleeding,
Addicted to the feeling.

only world worth
existing
you create yourself.

I wish I could be enveloped
****** down to the root
Slowly being incorporated into its tree-body
Until I'm all tree and it's all me

a blanket of snow
On the silent tree

all must pause

puffs of snow
on drooping branches
.
.
.
.
.
.
for the last time

We are but flesh
Embracing on the
Precipice of silence

Words in the dark


Illuminate

In naive defiance
Our treasures glitter in the sinking sun

Are they still mine
After you've gone?

The memories of the golden time
When two were one

I bestow upon you my most beloved possessions
These kisses I plant on your cheek and lips and neck and chest
How lovely we are together
how lovely

After the leaves fall
And all goes silent

Summer's warm breeze is carried in our breath
And a harmony of voices
like candles
Ring wanly through the frigid night

Two bodies embracing
Find warmth in eachother
We become what was lost

i'm one of those narcissistic beasts,
those animals that christened themselves
and created gods to **** the demons in their hearts

what's a god to a god-creator?

I wonder if that thing is a someone
like the other someones i know...

we look through each other with indifferent eyes
like the gray winter rain that
blurrs the landscape of our minds
become unfamiliar once again.

but we can take comfort in misunderstandings

and pretend to know what it is

that makes us anything

but somebody else's

someone

stop trying to live in someone else's reality
as if they could know you
or contain you

you filled me
in a single moment

with the taste of vanilla
and feet sliding playfully over the mossy river stones
and white sunlight through the window shades

our dreaming starts when sleeping ceases

fill me
again

please

sometimes I wish I wasn't awake for this dream.

seems like it's today again.

i'm worried about what comes tomorrow
but today isn't even through.

we're all caught up in the "now will be tomorrow's yesterday,"
asking "when?" over and over again, you know?

it feels odd that it's never really been "tomorrow" or "yesterday,"
because no moment has ever not been "now"

but my mind's chasing its tail again. . . .

it's better to just get on with my "now,"
'cause thinking's the problem, really,
it's always been.

Close your eyes and conjure a calm breeze within your mind
Feel it's soft warmth on your cheek, and fingers softly sifting through your hair
And now the grass between your toes on the cool damp ground

Know that you are nowhere
Out of sight
Out of grasp

There is always pain
And
   every
    single
     person
on this brown Earth has known it

But when I find the nowhere in my mind, I know

That all must pass with time

most of what i do is just a distraction from the apparent reality that there's no good reason to be doing it.

I feel as if I'm in a straight jacket

Squirming on the linoleum floor

And all I can see are those white walls

Flickering in the florescent. . .

****

**** the cruelty of a world made up of rows of white walls

And all you paper people

Typing as you decay

I will be better

I will

Go

Beyond

You

The man lays in the gutter
Street splattered with blood

Hundreds of scrambling feet
Run to pick up his crown

words unspoken
speak the loudest

I did not know
or refused to know

the difference between improving the parts of myself
that could grow into things great and full
and help me grow into something more myself
grow closer to me

and changing parts of myself
because I felt hatred for them
though they were me

The desire to improve oneself often grows from self-hatred
and can only be cured by acceptance and love

yet
self-acceptance does not equal stagnation

My essence wilts
In
this cruel cold

enduring truth:
That
all must gray

though sorrow screams
This
I whisper here too

sun’s healing warmth
will
always stay

Why should elsewhere
Be preferable to nowhere?
Or anywhere really….

Whatever “where” I inhabit
It will be my where.

Though suffering seeps upwards through the floorboards
And creaks in the night
And comes when the wind shifts
And the moon’s light is blocked by the

swirling

Black

Sky

I have always had a morning
I have always known the warmth of a fireplace
I have always found an answer.

so I just wait.

Find something you like
It should be a place, an experience
First be attentive to it in all its detail
Concentrate with all your will on every aspect of it's being
And then
Release
And fall into it
Allowing it to envelope you
Sink down
Down
Like a stone
Be heavy
And be

I am but a warm breeze
Passing
plaintively
Searching for that momentary ecstacy

forever
slightly out of reach

This is the moment when I feel most like myself.
A small watcher in a moving place
I Sit and feel
think
And observe
And read, too

Sorry for the melancholy, but
I wish I could be lost here
Stranded in this place

I want to be swallowed up by this world
Just like this

I could do it I think

But first I have to get lost

Human
What an interesting concept
An animal
Calls itself human
And feels higher

Imposes laws
Imposes duties
Imposes power

Yet it is an animal
What a wonderful lie

if your eyes cry then you have seen
if your heart stops then you have felt
if your soul screams then you have been

if your eyes smile then you have seen
if your heart beats then you have felt
if your soul, like the sun
shines with a comforting warmth
then you have been

i left my eyes behind
because i wanted to see more

i left my mind behind
because i wanted to know more

i left my heart behind
because i wanted to feel more

i left my flesh behind
because i wanted to live more

i left my soul behind
because i wanted to be more

Sail with me

As wind exhales

two ships drifting
Into that wan iridescence
That
Lovely

euphoric
unconsciousness

You are my Eden, love
And I will eat the fruit of your tree

Let me curl into your embrace
Love,
Encircle me

You cannot see from the outside, how many times I've tried to commit suicide. You'd be surprised at how well I can mask my feelings, how easy it is not to cry. You can't see the scar down my forearm through my jacket, nor the note I keep on my desk.

I am not unique.

And that is why I always smile and say nice things to other people. Because of the things I can't see.

I've disappeared into myself
And reality seems
.
.
.
.
.
.
distant