another ******* last night
the things you make my body do
restraint and self control
all in the name of you

understand that I'm red blooded
and the flesh I can't resist
so close, so firm, so tender
even in sleep I must persist

a stroke of your hand brings pleasure
the juice off your lips a treat
but sweetheart you're a vegan
and my wet dreams are of meat.

a lot of amazing women have loved me.

a nurse from Izmir
with almond eyes
and a quite confidence
that snuck out in her laugh.
both of us with lust for life,
and each other.

a teacher from Christchurch
with a competitive fire
who whispered me a confession,
under cover of a rattling train,
that was never heard.
our first night together left me in the hospital,
I still returned for more.

a co-worker from San José,
a sunflower in the wind,
untameably independent.
her smile buckled knees,
her touch left me thoughtless,
her voice felt like home.

a lot of amazing women have loved me.
and I sit here,
staring at this page,
trying to see what they saw.
and it's blank.

Ask how I am most anytime
I'll tell you that I'm doing fine
Whether or not that is the truth
That is what I always do

All my walls crumbling down
Shaky feet on rocky ground
Death knocking hard at my door
My day is fine, how is yours

Feet in the fire, heart on ice
Struggling just to get by
To tell the truth forget the facts
Doing fine now that you ask

What do I hope when asked by those
And do they really want to know
Don't they answer much the same
When they're asked how they are doing

Whether fried, boiled, broiled, or baked
I try not to give too much away
If you don't dive in too deep
I am fine if you ask me

I remember the last time
my chest felt heavy and empty
and everything I knew about love
was shattered and lost
in all of that hollow
all of that heavy

I remember the words that broke me
though I won’t repeat them here

maybe it’s unfortunate
or maybe it’s just life
but you probably have a memory now
or will one day
of similar
or completely different words
reminding you of a night or day
when hope and love and dreams
slip through your fingers
and leave your palms bleeding

leaving you holding nothing

nothing

but all of that hollow
all of that heavy

I almost died that night
I almost willing paid the price
for the luxury of suicide

the sweet and bitter cold nothing
the nothing that felt like
it was the only thing
that could relieve the pain
of everything hurting

everything inside of my body
and everything outside of my body
pushing and crushing
and constricting around me

it was a perfect night for dying
with all the cliches needed for a poetic obituary
the sky was painted with loud black clouds
and the rain poured down in waves of waterfalls
the air beat with the thunder of a funeral song
and the flashes of lightning captured
the contorted shape of my face
a bad caricature with an ugly cry

a sniveling and snot filled
******* gurgle
everything but the pain
pouring out of my face

I was sitting in my car writing my last note
with a ballpoint pen in a sketch pad

it probably didn’t make any sense
I’m sure I still have it...
somewhere....

I can see the driveway
I can see my car parked there
I can still feel the bottle of poison
   in my trembling hands
I can see the lightning illuminating the rain
  I can see the rain
    and the gravel it was falling on
     the dirt it was dancing on
       the puddles it was forming
         and then swimming in

and there in that darkness
there in that heavy beat of thunder
there in that hard falling rain

in all of that hollow
in all of that heavy

I saw the miracle of frogs
fresh tadpoles that just lost their tales
brave and beautiful as only children can be
leaping here and there
playing in the rain

no fear of living
no thoughts of dying
with nothing of nothing
in their tiny hearts

having the time of their lives
in all of that hollow
in all of that heavy

I saw the miracle of frogs

and I cried again
a little heavier
a little harder than I had been

all that pain inside
and all that pain outside
somehow in someway
chased out
all of that hollow
all of that heavy

my hands were still shaking
my whole body was still crying
as I got out of my car
and walked through the driveway
walked through the yard
I left everything of nothing
in the darkness and the rain
as I walked through
and with the miracle of frogs