In monumental testament.
I grabbed a bottle and began to fill it with notes.
In times where reassurance was needed most I replaced the contains of the bottle with thoughts.
Unable to speak in a time where actions proved to speak louder.
Hesitant eyes that waited for reply. Drawing a blank where silence seemed ideal.
On one of the notes I drew a ship on the front and back of it. Sliding it in the middle of the bottle.
Shaking the bottle up and down, I watched it shift back and forth in wave after wave of loose strips of paper.
Rough torn edges, uneven chunks of paper.
Considering myself human for the most part. Taking a minute to walk across the shore.
Watching a ship sail it's maiden voyage.
Blue lines, the smell of paper.
The sound of waves crashing against the sides of the ship.
Sitting down along the side of the shore. Watching a ship caught in a storm of paper.
Reassuringly gathering my thoughts.
The ship drawn perfectly, setting sail across the depth of the bottle.
Leaned upright, splashing down on one note or another.
Following my first mind I sat the bottle on a stack of books.
I still wasn't ready to talk

Instead of love and needing
You used and wanted
Flaunted your lustful conquests
Distastefully like a sick game
Just another name on the page
I know the feeling of being trapped without a cage
Prisoner of love
My crime confusing love and lust
Left in disgust
My punishment life sentence of emotional emptiness
I'll drink to that... Again.

Up then down
Sad happy tears of the clown
Laughing at my expense
Hence the stares of ridicule
Judgement sympathy
*** does anyone love me
Like me
Notice me
Hear me
I hear you I hear me
The voices louder this time
No reason or rhyme
Can help me escape
This corner this maze
In a daze but moving fast
How much longer does this thing last
Losing my grip
Even reality is fantasy these days
Starstruck in the dark skies of my eternal despair
Lost faith in living but no one cares
Just be the beautiful tragedy they want you to be
Entertainment on that stage
I'm a bird trapped in a cage
Longing to fly but I have no wings
I see songs in my head but I have no voice to sing them
Dear god where is the lithium?....

Some call it bi-polar
I prefer manic-depression
It fits us better with adequate expression
We live our life in swooping loops
We strive at our peak then it droops
And the doleful drudge is destitute
Until all progress stops and stoops
To a halt, face down in mud and roots

And then we rise
Called back to life by a guiding light held deep inside
Sorely self-aware, we work until we burst
Droll desperation, at our best when at our worst
"Wow you got your **** together you lost and soulless ruffian."
Then we hit our peak and it all starts back up again

So it began, my life of pain
Covered in shame
Step-dad laid his claim

So it began, my life of woe
Down the rabbit hole
Some known how the story goes

So it began my life of tragedy
It happened so rapidly
It is now my woven tapestry

So it began, my life of regrets
Sadly it's not over yet
Impaled daily on life's bayonet

©Pauline Russell