there is not enough room in my
chest for you to fit but
maybe a studio apartment
or a row house,
you could snuggle
in there nicely.

there is not enough room in my
palms for you to fit but
perhaps in my king sized bed
or in the bed of your truck,
we could snuggle
in there nicely.

there is enough room in my
heart for you to fit,
over and over and over,
because my love for you
stretches miles upon miles
and you fit here perfectly.

i am told
"be quiet. don't tell anyone."

my body is broken.
my body is torn.
my body is not my body anymore.

i am told
"clean yourself up. get to bed."

my body burns.
my body is stained.
i am ashamed.

i wander back to the bedroom
and find teddy awake.
the look on his face makes me break
on the inside.

"what did he do?"

you know what he did
we all know what he did;
but we have to stay
                                                         q u i e t.

he shows me what he wants
to tell me.

large hands ***** my
fragile limbs.

"shhh"

he is gentle
too gentle.

it feels almost natural
and surreal.

he shows me what
words fail to tell.

my mouth utters
"no no no"
over and over and
                    over and over and over.

it
does
not
stop
until
he
is
finished.

nighttime howls throughout the house
the floor creaks underneath my small feet
i wander from our bedroom
down the hallway
my eyes drooping because i am so exhausted
i've barely slept in weeks
"kelsey what are you doing?" he asks
my voice is caged in my throat, i do not answer
instead i show him

i begin to dance, my nightgown flowing
around me like a wisp
he laughs a belly laugh and begins
to dance with me
we dance together in the moonlight
our bodies collective
i do not know where i end
and he begins

the moment ends
almost as soon as it starts.

"you kids get to bed
i'm tired"
his grumpy grandfather scolds
as politely as he can;
he smiles warmly at me
"kelsey i need to talk to you
for a moment"
a moment
a moment that would last more
than a moment
it would feel like
infinity

teddy goes back to the bedroom
leaving me vulnerable
i feel like a million eyes are on me
he does no talking
instead he shows me.

6 yrs old i was playing the bathtub with my mermaid dolls & wall crayons, waiting for my mom to come wash me like she always did
she would soap my hair up two feet tall and make it flop over,i'd get soap in my eyes & cry cry cry
crybaby that's all i every did was cry
dad would scream "make that baby shut the hell up or i will"
,i hated thebelt
so,i learned i learned to **** it up & be a good girl

16 yrs old daddy doesn't spend anytime with me
yells at me & tells me to get overmyself "i pay everything for u,i work so u can eat and be under a ******* roof"
the tears are choked back and god id wish hed just ******* choke me

Nimbostratus clouds overcast
Overcast tears
Crying, crying all day, all night
Sad girl
Bad girl
Dead to the world
Done with death itself

Staring into the blue and black sky
Reminds me of my stained skin
Reminds me of the palette I use to paint
Nothing is the same
Nothing is getting better
Staring staring staring

Digital phone calls
In real life conversations
**** Bill Volume Two
Better than my life

So I sit in the parlor
Eat my skin
Dance in the rain outside
Let my body bleed
Let the rain poison my blood
My heart will **** me anyway

Watch it all play out
None of this is really true
It's all inside my head
It's all just make believe

Because you see
I'm sick
I'm really sick
I have been since the day
Mom pushed me out
I've got daydream fever
And this world is not my own

I am not a child,
I am not your child.
In fact, I am all grown up.

I am all grown up,
but I cannot forget my childhood
because of you.

I kiss girls,
not boys,
because I am afraid that they will hurt me,
(like the monster you are) like you did.

I cover up,
extra clothes,
because I rarely wore clothes as a child
and you would peer at me through
the crack in the bathroom wall.

I don't sing with the birds.
I don't hug my teddy bear.
I don't leave the house.
I am terrified you are out there,
hunting for me like I am your prey.

But I am not a child,
I am all grown up,
and I can beat you up.

I am not a child,
and I will not call you "My Daddy"
and I will not let you call me "Baby".

I am not a child,
and I will not let you touch me.
I am gold, I am radiant, I am light.
And you will not ruin that,
ever, ever, ever again.